A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently in a very happy relationship. My girlfriend and I are very much in love and I trust her completely. We live in the same dorm at college, and we have lots of mutual friends. Unfortunately, one of my friends from the dorm has recently taken up hitting on my girlfriend. He follows her around, walks her to and from class when I'm not there, tries to take her to lunch, and constantly questions her about our relationship. I am not a very confrontational person, and neither is she, so we are both having trouble figuring out how to stop this. I know that she won't be able to talk to him, and my anger is getting very close to the breaking point. I'd hate to lose a friend over this, but at the same time I'm very tempted to just fight him and be done with it. Whatever I decide, I'm going to have to live in the same dorm with this guy for the rest of the year. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Sometimes it is a man's job to fend off others who are chasing his woman. You are going to have to face your fear and be confrontational.
Yes your gf can be 'cold' towards him, but this is where you need to step up and deal with this head-on. It will build your confidence, it will make your girlfriend feel protected, and proud of you, and strengthen your relationship.
So how do you do this?
You go right up to him, stare him straight in the eyes, and say 'Dude, stop hitting on my girlfriend'. Stand with your shoulders broad, breathe slowly and deeply, and keep eye contact. Don't look away. Don't show anger, don't tense up, keep your body relaxed. Remain as calm as you can, like you're just watching paint dry.
He'll try one of several things. Have your response ready.
He may deny it, and try to make it seem like you're being paranoid. He'll fidget and try to make a joke of it, and be evasive. The best thing you can do in this situation is to not react, just keep staring at him making it obvious that this answer is not sufficient. You don't even need to say anything. Just let him bullshit, you'll both know it's bullshit. Let him just go on and on until he runs out of steam. When he's done, say something like 'So you're going to stop, right?'. If he starts making the excuses, let him go on and on until he stops again, don't interrupt. Then repeat your question. Keep on going until he answers with a yes. Then thank him and leave.
He may get aggressive, to try to gain the upper-hand by feigning anger. In this situation, its really important to not show fear. Don't flinch, don't tense your body, don't look away. He's a friend, so there's no way this will come to violence. That means any implied threat is just that, and no more. Whatever happens, it's not going to be bad, you have nothing to fear. Besides, its often the quiet non-confrontational guys that are really nasty in a fight, because, once they finally get angry, they get REALLY angry. He'll know that instinctively, and fear you.
If he's being threatening or angry all you need to do is show that you're not intimidated. If you don't back down (and remember this is over your girlfriend), he eventually will. It's just the same as two Ram's locking horns in a field at the start of mating season. The one that 'wins' is just the one that refuses to back down. All you have to do is to not back down. If you are having trouble, just keep eye contact but go somewhere else in your head, think of a fun time you had somewhere. He'll see that you're not taking his anger seriously, and he'll retreat. The winner will be the one with more determination, go into this situation prepared and 100% determined and you cannot lose.
The other likely reaction is he'll be immediately embarrassed and ashamed. In this case, you've already won. Just keep calm and watch him fail.
Don't forget, be magnanimous in your victory ;)
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): im in the same position but the guy is my one of my best friend's cuzin. My friend is an "A" list friend like myspace top 4 kinda deal. so i dont know what to do i dont want to be the controlling bf who says what and where she can go.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (21 November 2007):
 Hi. Your girlfriend doesn't have to be confrontational - she just has to be cold. Answer questions Yes. No. etc and don't ask any questions, don't empathise, don't agree, don't smile. Not rude, no conflict - just cold. Saves fights, broken teeth and sore knuckles. Richard.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (21 November 2007):
 Mate,
seriously, man up. But you don't have to fight this guy, that is just stupid, you are at university not play school.
What you do, is when you are sitting with your mates, ask him in front of them why he is trying to hit on your girlfriend. Do this in front of your other mates, no guy likes to hear that another guy hits on his mates girlfriend. That is the biggest no no in the Guy's rulebook. He will look like a jerk. anyway why are you concerned about losing his friendship, what kind of friend is he to try and steal your girlfriend away? I would hate to think what your enemies are like if this is what your friends are like.
If he doesnt take the hint then, tell your girlfriend to simply say very loudly to leave her alone in public. She should have enough courage to do that. Nobody wants to be humiliated in public, and especially at a University if someone is seen to be harrassing someone, they take these things seriously.
You can get rid of this guy easily, just tell him to piss off. Seriously.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): This same thing happened with me and my bf. His best friend started hitting on me. He confronted his friend about it over and over again and it didn't work. Eventually his best friend kicked him out of the house they shared. I know you said that you are not confrontational, but I believe that you need to confront him about this, and if not, your gf needs to put her foot down. She needs to tell him not to walk her to class, etc. etc. She needs to tell him to leave her alone and MEAN it. Make sure she has no feelings for him at all whatsoever. Yes, you can trust her, but feelings can't be controlled. If she has no feelings at all for him, it should be very easy for her to tell him to leave her alone and to mean it. You both need to put your foot down with this guy. Maybe if your school has a sexual harrassment policy yall can work with that as well.
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