A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi im 24 years old and am not very experienced with girls(shy),im good looking so get a lot of attention and have been told im a flirt(only 1 to 1) if the girl show an interest back i freeze,at work i try to be polite and keep to myself but im realy a depressed loner(not in the crazy way i do have friends but not even they know im depressed)i spend my weekends and holidays in my house. now im fine with this but work people as well as my friends assume i have a active life and i like to keep that illusion. anyway there is a girl @ work who is 29,and i possibly the nicest(as in personality) girl ive ever met is pretty as well,she is a bit big tho (nothing massive) anyway the problem is where she is nice to talk to and nice lady i dont fancy her,shes not my type, she been here since summer (so the decision isnt rash).this girl is always cheerful and happy and uses all her spare time for positivitynow everybody and i mean everybody at work has been hinting and some outright telling me she fancies me,she has to come to our office at least once a day i note her times then avoid her,but now she seems to be coming in later and later @times after the deadline(im alone after 4) she litteraly just stares at me and smiles and fires off opening after opening ala" so what do you do on weekends" or "do you hang with your guy or girlfriends" remebers everything i say,and always finds an excuse to touch mecut the long story today she was all dressed up and she came to my office extra late and the convo washer) hey me) wats upher)nothing much im just being weird, (stares at me)me)okfluff talkher)(staring smileing) so,, gigglesme)whather)seems to do a slight open arm gesture then shrug) im going to get some sweets you want some?me) na her) gets them and comes back(ive walked out by now and am at the lift) then she comes over you sure you dont want some?me)na aint you finish by now?her)erm yh,no im ,yh anyway we get in lift she looks down and looks sad.now we go through this every few months her almost spilling,and then we ignore each other for a while but as soon as i strike up friendly convo she starts the whole thing again.now the thing is i like her as a person,but dont fancy herfeel like shes expecting a lot more than i can give her(due to her age,she always says im mature for my age)shes nice and cheerful,im depressed and grumpy,dont want to bring her down(ive seen how depression works)im a flake,unreliable and boring, i dont want my workmates in my buisness,or to think bad of me.dont want her to spill her feelings as i hate messi dont want to be rude at all or to hurt her feeling as shes a nice girlideally what would be the best thing to tell her the next time i see her?im thinking "hey your so funny such a good FRIEND to me" my sis says she would see through that and know that i was brushing her offi basically still want her as a friend but without the problem of a smile from me turning her on again.im thinking to say something about workplace relationships but im pretty sure she said shes leaving soon(not sure) and the fact that she may see me flirting with other girls and take offence. please help it hurts me to break hearts or to hurt innocent ppl, so in summary how do i get her off my case without being rude or flat out rejecting her,while still being friends,?why do i feel like a bad guy(im a flirt) but dont as far as i know with her.? thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk she has backed off big time now which is good, I didn’t even have to say anything.Last week she announced something which was a semi opening. I just changed the subject and carried on with fluff.Since then her boss has been making all of the deliveries and file handovers (as she does when she’s away), but she’s been in the whole time. Her boss is also a bit standoffish with me (they are close). I thought nothing of it until I realised that the crush girl has been in the whole time and is avoiding me.I bumped into crush girl yesterday (I thought she was away). If looks could kill I would be dead. lolI watched "He’s just not into you" this weekend. It was on tv. I presume she did too.Anyway in summary, I feel like I’ve been made to be a bad guy, but you know what? I don’t even care as in my heart I know I never PURPOSELY led her on. And when she goes into a “what did I see in him/why’s he such an asshole” phase, she can say, apart from not telling her directly I wasn’t interested, I really didn’t do much other then be friendly.Thanks for the help mishmash and whoever else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): How to word it?
"Sometimes when we are in a public situation, I think you go out of your way to make me uncomfortable and I don't appreciate it."
She can't really argue with that and it's not rejection. It's a civil way to bring it up without having to give your opinions directly about her. The thing is she'll know exactly what you're talking about. If she refuses to acknowledge it at that point, then I think you really might have to reject her in a public way.
I think she's leaning heavily on your good manners and your (stubborn) concern for her dignity; she doesn't think you'll ever protest.
Hope it works out. It'll probably be awkward for a while.
Best
-mishmash
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey lolI definetly wouldn't tell bosses or anything, I think it's a bit much and as you said I would be laughed out of town,I was speaking to a female friend and she suggested most of what you did as well as the usual don't smile, don't flirt, give 1 word answers, all of which don't seem to work.I so agree with what you are saying about trying to embarrass me as when were alone she seems to be almost holding her breath (as she is when she's with her boss) and looks terrified and tense,The funny thing is shy people would rather not talk so if people (colleagues) are around I will always leave them to talk to her where if we are alone to avoid her akwardness I will start a boring convo.(also to dictate the convo so she doesn't).What I'm getting at is that she should be able to tell I am alot more able to convosate when we are alone, as I basically never talk much more than hello, yes, and no's in front of them, so for her to pull that stunt infront of 2 coworkers was obviously aimed to make me squirm as she was watching my every move.It's honestly got to a point where I avoid my office unless I have to be there (I'm not under obligation to sit at desk as I have set things to do around the building but when I do them is at my discretion)The times she comes in (my office)is a quiet 45 mins or so(after my early workmates go home before the late worker comes in)where im alone in which I could surf the net or whatever I like, now I'm never in there and always find something else to do but I miss that relax time What I will do is wait until she starts again preferably when we are alone and I will explain to her im not interested, I will not mention the work thing because there are some girls from work I really like(who dont crowd my space) some even as friends who I can playfully flirt with without any sweat, and I don't want it to seem like I'm just fobbing her off and then flirting with another girl from work 2 days later, or would she not read into that too much? What would be a way to phrase this to her?What im getting at is I don't fancy her I'm not attracted to her but obvioulsy dont want to tell her that but don't want to tell a lie and then maybe get into something else with someone else right infront of her eyes,because what I slowly realise is that the main thing that bugs me about her is that she makes me feel uncomfortable, her flirting style is very awkward. She stands too close, and touches me after that split second between natural and forced if you know what I mean? She is very tense and serious and stares at me to much.I mean, with me, flirting is fun and playful with most girls even those with bf's I know are just playing with me gives me that good feeling, but with her I find myself feeling very strange after she walks off.lol I might have to do my friends idea. Tell her I'm a confused about my sexuallity, as I kissed a guy in AA and drug rehab after coming out of prison for crimes I can't say, while picking my nose and farting lol that should scare her off no?Thanks alot with your unbiased help over the last few weeks and yes I'm rambling again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): Wow....I think I underestimated her. It sounds like you're being sexually harassed.
And since I've never done that (at work anyway) or been sexually harassed that explicitly, I'm not sure I'd be the best help.
What's wrong with her? She's probably aware your shy and you were probably feels your were so conscientious about her feelings and she's taking advantage of your weaknesses. After all, your post was titled, "How do I reject her without being rude and hurting her." Time to take care of your own feelings.
In short, she thinks your a pushover and so she feels she can do this and get away with it. Do not let her.
Here's a hypothesis: being rejected by you was humiliating for her and so she's probably exacting some sort of revenge by sexually harassing you in front of coworkers. I doubt she would flirt with you so openly or confidently if it were just you and her alone. She knows you find it humiliating and that's why she does it.
So, I think it's time to take the gloves off. You can either talk to her directly and ask her not to "sexually harass" you. I would specifically use that legalese term or the British equivalent. Only because she'll think of what's she's doing in terms of her employment or career. That should be enough to scare her off.
If you don't want to have a one on one with her, then it's time to be dismissive or outright rude towards her, preferably in public so she has no incentive to try it again. Don't wait on your messages to be delivered via a coworker. The next time she starts telling you what she likes, don't be embarassed, be sarcastic. Saying something along the lines of "Well, I'm looking for someone young, slim, and who I don't work with," to her face will probably show her you're equal to her game. She's consciously humiliating you, so I think you're within bounds to be honest with her and tell her you're not interested.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't talk to a superior about sexual harassment. I know that runs counter to a lot of advice you might receive, but sometimes it can make dealing with the other person really awkward after the fact...and they end up angry that you never got the chance to approach them about it personally and they are pissed that the woman threatened their job security...this is what I've found from men I've known who've received accusations about sexual harassment via superiors. The fact that you're a man complaining about sexual harassment might not be taken seriously either. Not fair, but true.
If I were you, I'd dismiss her publically. You've got to or she'll walk all over you.
Good luck with this...sound like a really hairy problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwat is wrong with her,i think she realises and then she starts again,shes gonna make me be rude now ive decided that she is flipping stupid(seriously like mentally) or that she just as i suspected because im quiet/shy doesnt respect my boundarys and wants to just overide them as she thinks i wont say anything, if i was doing this to ANY woman people would be saying im a creep or whatever and do you know what i would deserve it. today she comes in leans on my table(bear in mind she can walk 2 yards to his desk)(they work together sometimes so they can have this convo anytime) while talking to my colleague (her main conspirator) the convo was she walks in comes to my table but is talking to my colleague the whole time while filling out a sheet him"hey"her" hey, to fat for me"him"huh?(looks confused) ohh yeah?her"yeah and too short" (im tall and slim)i was generally confused at this pointher"HE was such a nice guy just not the one for me" then looks @ mehim"you are so fussy girl so what you gonna do now?"her" find someone taller and less fat" looks at me again giggles then leaveshe turns to me that girl tut tut tut urm u should ask her out, i say nothing then he turns round u should really ask her out she might say yes,do u fancy her,u single? and all these questionsi just told him "im not looking a relationship,and definetly at work, hopefully he goes back and tells her this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): hmmmm....Point taken. Your intuition is probably right about her thinking she can wear you down just because you're shy. She sounds like she has had less experience with the oppositite sex than you which might account for some of her juvenile behavior ....and also for her attraction to a man 5 years her junior. And she obviously she doesn't appreciate details as much as you do. :)What can I tell you? Nothing. She's got it bad. You pretty much have to wait till she gets bored with her own feelings. I do remember acting like her with a boy I liked, but I was 12 at the time, not 29. And I do remember feeling so humiliated, that I never wanted it to happen again and avoided him after I could tell that my attention made him uncomfortable. I guess you are in the unlucky position of delivering this particular life lesson. In my mind, you pretty much have to continue doing what you are doing and she'll eventually get the point.I had a 30 year old man at my office who behaved in a similar way. Not the giggling and rumor spreading, but other things...I guess the male equivalent of that sort of behavior. He doubt he had any experience with women on an intimate level and I was informed from his male coworker and friend that he was a virgin. It was hard for me to deal with, because I actually liked him alot, he was funny, intelligent, had great character. We went running after work from time to time and occasionally shared a meal. When he developped feelings beyond the platonic his personality became so distorted and his behavior became so juvenile. It's a long story and there were a lot of "details" I remember ....they were definitely "details" I paid attention and read into, because it was so difficult to have a normal conversation with him...It eventually became impossible to be friendly with him. I gave him the cold shoulder for a couple months after he did some petty things. Things evened out a year afterwards. We can now get a drink together and there isn't any akwardness. I am please to find that he no longer takes me as seriously as he did...Sounds like she is just learning late. Subtle rejection is hard. Sometimes the details really do just go over your head because you hold out so much hope for the fantasy in your head. Maybe you've felt this way?I've also had men be "kind" to me. They offer to buy you the drink, they even say they like your company, they flirt with you in public, but then they say "subtle" things in private like how their life is a mess and they aren't in a "good place" at the moment. Sometimes it has taken me a while to decode what that means exactly. I'm no expert.Anyway, good luck with this girl. She sounds like she's starting to catch on. You survived V-day, no? And she's not coming by your desk after work anymore, is she? There are probably cultural dynamics that are lost on me. You seem like a conscientious guy, but I wouldn't insist on being a bleeding heart for her. It's not doing her a favor. I kind of feel bad for her...gender sympathy I guess. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey thanks for your insight,mishmash
1st thing im a quiet,shy person so one of the things i do and overdo is observe and read into details of any situation,(most quiet ppl do this) if i enter a room witth my brother and we see 2 girls, where he notices 2 girls and will say things like the prettier 1?????
i notice 2 girls,there facial expression,the general mood,and body language,
another thing im facinated by the way ppl interact(even in 3rd person)(probaly due to my poor ppl skills), the gist of what im saying is i notice details and they fascinate me, so naturally i suntimes assume they fascinate others, so that is why i use alot of detail.
2 ive been rejected in street/mall/shop worker pickups,(rejection was a childhood fear) but most females reject in a way that is not rude ie"my bf is coming to pick me up" or what ever these sting for about a minute and then gone and forgotten i can see the girl again and exchange small talk no probs.
in a relationship or love area no i havent been rejected but again this is down to me(details again)knowing 90% i will not be rejected,before i go for it.
in that she would of had to give me good,body language,eye contact, and i can generally tell if a girl is interested as (again)i notice diffrneces when shes talking to me and other guys, if i try to talk to a girl and she gives off body language or gives me a vibe i just take it as "she not into me" and leave it,
what im tryin to say is suptle(sp) rejection is to me alot kinder than her having to tell me no.
it would never get to a point where id be chasing a girl for months where she gave me off body language or never flirted(was much more talkative with others) i mean words lie body language and eyes do not,
as i said im a playfull flirt with most girls i find attractive(its fun 1-1 and not serious)a older lady(early 30s) says "hes so quiet but such a flirt,to bad hes a baby" like i said all fun,
with this girl i DO NOT FLIRT,and we dont even have convos as she just weirds me out,i honestly know nothing about her apart from her name,age and general area she lives(when i say general i mean the north of the our city)
if i bump into her say in the lift i ALWAYS direct the convo to banal convo "u busy" i never let the convo steer onto other things i mean ive given her almost nothing to work on ie my hobbies (as i said im a loner)dont do much so am always vague
i honestly feel like because im a lil shy she thinks she can just wear me down or overide me,
3rd im honestly starting to feel we cannot be friends because i say hey wats up she jumps ,
if she comes into my office and im with another girl(just friends) she tenses up and will not even look at her.
4 i like her as a person to talk to at work i honestly wouldnt consider her as a outside friend, as she doesnt seem to get it, i hand on heart DO NOT FANCY HER, i do not welcome her attention, INFACT im pissed she keeps telling/hinting at workmates as it brings more people into the situation and they all do the silence and watching whenever she comes in,i mean ives seen her talk to my workmate and 10 mins later"so are you looking for a gf" me "no" or "i think she likes you i just know these thing" to which my reply is always "im not really looking for a relationship or girl from work"
i do not feel im above her i had no qualms about stateing im a loner,who does nothing and i dont want to depress her,also i said she is pretty and has a nice personality, but i see her like a cousin i have no sexual chemistry with her,none at all,she never pops up in my head with any sexual thoughts,
5 this morning she kissed my colleague(a female)and said"not you i dont wanna lead you on" and winked then later fluff in lift,then when she handing over the files she literraly went so low her face was nearly in kissing distance,i was working so didnt notice until my workmate mentioned after she left (i was watching the screen and could feel she was close but didnt look)
in closing, i do not want to have to say no,she should read my bl and the way im am with her(i even read a hes not into you article and i display about 70% of the signs)
if she ignores me then i will feel hurt as im polite workmate wise as can be its just i dont need her any further into my life,tho i wouldnt cut myself up about it,
like i said thanks for your help and its good to see things from a womens perspective,and also that you notice things about me that i dont(my sister does this alot)
thanks gd night/day
ps you see me and details again lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): OP,
It sounds like she's being disillusioned. She's probably embarassed of the way she's acted.
How you want to handle the situation, whether you want to be friendly or ignore her completely depends on what sort of relationship you ultimately want with her. If you can never see yourself being friends with her, ignore her. If you do want some sort of relationship with her, be friendly with in a reasonable limit. I suspect the easiest thing to do, the most adult thing to do, is to be friendly, treat her like anyone else, but don't give her extra attention.
It sounds tense and complicated, but you should really stop feeling guilty about it. Really. If you aren't interested in her as you claim, then you really have no obligation to be "kind" to her or to burden yourself with her anxiety.
Haven't you been rejected by someone? I get the sense you have been luckily(or unluckily) spared of that sort of humilation at this point in your life.
In your case, you are highly aware of this woman's existance. From the way you describe her and the detail of your posts, I would think you are hyper-aware and I can only conclude that in some you, you either:
1) Don't like her, but are in some way addicted to her attention. You pretend to care for her feelings, but you have a sadistic urge to watch her anxiety because it flatters you.
Or,
2) You do in fact like her, but would rather think that you don't and feel yourself above dating her for whatever reason. Her acute attention towards you makes you feel uncomfortable, because it reminds you of your own feelings that you wish you didn't have.
If I'm wrong with these guesses, I welcome you to correct me. All I can tell you is that this will eventually pass. She will get tired of being nervous around you.
I've been there, I've given up on hoping on people. She might even start to avoid you, not because she dislikes you, but because she doesn't want to feel anything at all for you.
In all honesty, how would you feel about that?
I don't mean to be harsh, I just get the sense that you have no idea what you want and so you point out her nervousness and anxiety to makes your own seem less apparent.
Forgive my directness, I just have the feeling you aren't being totally honest about your feelings for her. Feel free to PM me. Best of luck with it and happy v day.
-mishmash
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah v day went ok
but its the same thing i said of 1 word turning her back on
since last week she read something in my body language and kind of backed off(infact seemed terrified to even look at me) but whenever i say hi,she looks like ive got down on 1 knee,then on friday she ask me what im doing this weekend,i wasnt available n she trailed off
anyway today(v day) i saw her about 2pm with her boss come into the door as i was going out she got very tense but her face seemed to brighten up,as i walked out near the lifts(the doors are glass)i could see her staring at me so carried on examining my pApers,
now an hour later im at the lifts(blocking them accidently) when her and her boss come out now they both have to squeeze past me to get out, the boss(who i was in the same situation a year or so ago but we both got over it) squeezes past no problems and then offers to help me move the obstruction she on the other hand goes past without looking at me and tries to get through the door a few times before remebering she has to swipe her pass.
now at my home time i see her going home she tries to not catch my eye but eventually does i wave bye she does the same, i think she its over now,
shall i give her space for a while? or just carry on being friendly,
she,s very tense around me and most times tries to avoid eye contact or pretends to be on the phone
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): Like I said before, her feels aren't your responsibility. You don't owe her anything.
It might be the impmending Valentine's holiday that is making her believe if she spends enough time loitering near your desk, "something" might happen. Valentines and New Years make women do crazy things, especially single 20 something year old woman. They don't want to be caught single on either of those days. I bet if you searched DC you might find a rash of people needing advice about contacting exs and old flames right before both of those holidays.
But, I doubt you want to be anyone's Valentine's day accessory item. If you are worried about her feelings, let her down after Vday. I would just be wary next monday. She may come by just to exact a "happy valentine's day" from you.
When someone who is uncomfortable lingers around me and doesn't contribute to the conversation, I just start talking out loud describing what I'm doing. For instance:
"Well...now I'm shutting down my computer. I'm packing up my stuff. I am putting my phone in my purse. I should probably go to the bathroom to relieve myself. I think I might be in there for a while. Have a good night" It's really that easy.
If that doesn't work, you need to tell her you are seeing someone else, even if you aren't.
Let us know how Vday goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni will basically say she doesnt flirt much,either she just gets kinda akward and fires off question then kind off stops then ask it, basically her akwardness bothers me,as i her uneasyness makes me feel uneasy,
on a second note where i was sayin im avoiding and she is coming in later and later,
on friday i was busy and worked overtime(i didnt get paid) as i come out from my the toilet i look towards my office(small 5 man office which i have to close before i leave so if the doors open we/i am open) i see her coming outside my office a whole 2 hours after she usualy goes home i walk back into the toilet and when i come out shes gone. she actually freaks me out and i dread seeing her.
thirdly i get this feeling she feels i owe her something,any 1 expierence this?
god valentines coming up shit lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionvery good advice thanks any more angles are still welcome
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionvery good advice thanks any more angles are still welcome
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): what is it im doing to encourage her?
Who knows? She's got it bad for you though.
You obviously seem to worry about her feelings a lot though...and if you are flirtatious as you claim, I could see how she could get the wrong impression. I suspect you didn't intend to lead her on, but she probably confused your kindness with interest.
Perhaps now when you ignore her, she thinks you're just playing hard to get.
I think I can speak for most women when I say we are brought up to read into details of social interaction rather than speak our minds about things. If we are inexperienced and shy people (like she sounds...and how you describe yourself), we are also inexperience at reading people.
Given the hope that someone loves us, we can build up a whole relationship in our head that doesn't in fact exist. If people act indifferent to us, we insist on taking it personally...even if it means we get angry or grumpy with them...because at least there's a bond of some sort in being angry, even if we'de rather not be angry. Don't know if I'm making sense or not...
I've definitley fallen for people the way she fell for you when I was younger. When the guy told me he was not interested, of course I was humiliated and felt terrible for a couple months. I avoided him for a long time, but I got over it. And I learned a lession in the process. I don't regret it happened now and I am still on good terms with the guy.
She may like you because you are similar to her in the sense that she sounds inexperienced too. It just sounds like she may be emotionally illiterate when it comes to reading guys. She can't take a hint, because she can't read it.
I know her feelings aren't your responsibility and you don't want to intentionally hurt her, but tell her you are NOT interested. The disillusionment will hurt, but she will probably feel better having a definitive answer rather than going through the drama of not knowing.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your help ppl
firstly im inexperienced (for my age/compared to friends) tho im no virgin
secondly what makes it seem i enjoy it/am conflicted?(this will help alot as i may not notice i do it)
like i said im a flirt,the whole shebang with most girls,
but with her,
im am always on my bb/phone texting or watever,i hardly look at her,i generally(slyly) change the convo if she gets past fluff,have never touched her even on the arm,never compliment her,it must also be blatant to her im avoiding her times,she sees me talk to other girls much more than her,infact her staring smiling makes me uncomfortable,
like i said when she gets to forward i go cold and she backsoff a few days,but if i even say hi(i have to see her at least daily,she hands her teams files to me)shes all over me again,
what is it im doing to encourage her?
thanks again
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): The next time she flirts with you, don't pretend you don't see it. Acknowledge it to her. When you pretend nothing bothers you, she assumes that you like it.
The next time she flirts, just say something along the lines of, "Hey, look, I could be wrong, but it seems like you're flirting with me. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I feel I should tell you, I don't really want to be involved with anyone I work with." Say this in private.
She will be hurt and she will probably be ashamed she flirted with you in the first place. There is no way around her getting hurt.
But, she should lay off. Try to be nice to her after the fact. Don't avoid her. If you see her, make an effort to engage.
That said, it sounds like you have mixed feelings about her. If you are out and out NOT attracted to her, I understand, but you almost seem to like her attention. She can probaly see this and finds it encouraging.
Given that you are inexperienced as you claim, how can you even really have a "type"?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionany help with this as she will be coming up soon?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Hiya, just tell her you love her as a best mate but that's all. Say you see her like a big sister. She will be upset for a couple of days, but I would rather that than make a fool out of myself. Good luck, your a good guy.
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