A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, my ex and I broke up about six months ago, she recently got in touch with me and we began talking and I confessed that I was still in love and wanted to get back together. She is in a relationship and I told her I wasn’t asking her for anything but that this is where I am at with my feelings and if she wanted to be any type of friends that I need to respect her relationship and I need her to respect my boundaries because it does hurt me. She ended up telling me that she still thinks about me daily and she is confused and wanted time to think about it. It’s been a week and she hasn’t said anything and I’ve respected that she needs time to think and the fact that she is in a relationship, but I don’t know if it’s appropriate to message her and see how she is doing since I did drop a bomb with my feelings, I also wanted to ask her if she’d like to go for a walk with me and we don’t have to talk about anything on a romantic scale just talk about how our lives are going but I don’t know if I should give her more space, she did react with a post I made but still hasn’t said anything, I don’t want to sit around waiting because it’s driving me crazy but I also don’t want to pressure her into talking to me when she isn’t ready.Any advice would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 October 2020):
 You need to block her and let her go, I think you are being unfair to your ex and to her new partner.
You wouldn't want someone to try and play emotional mind games of TRYING to break up YOU new relationship (if you had one)? Would you?
It's cold and calculated of you to DECLARE your love for her when you KNOW she is with someone else. Because you hope that because you share history and a past that she might be tempted to dump her new GF and come back to you.
That is pretty cold and selfish.
Look, OP
You and your ex didn't work out. It happens. It sucks.
SHE moved on with someone else and then think she can be "just friends" with you as well. Because she moved on she probably hoped you had too. Which on her side was a stupid thing to do, and also kind of cruel. To contact you and pretend you two can be "just friends" so she can keep you in her life. UNFAIR to her new partner.
Neither of you are going to have healthy relationships if you persist in keeping "exes" around and thinking that is all dandy.
She wouldn't be dating someone new if YOU were the one she wanted to be with. Think about that.
You can get back together with her but I think you know it's not going to last. Either the two of you will have this revolving door relationship of on/off where you basically waste each other's time or you decide once and for all that this isn't the best match for you.
It is UNREALISTIC to think that you can go from a break up to being casual friends after 6 months apart. And you know it's unrealistic because you STILL have feelings and the ulterior motive of dating her again.
Be smarter.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2020): Okay, here we go! This is what's known in gay-culture as "lesbian drama." Lamenting and ruminating over that ex you could never get-over; meanwhile, undermining their new relationship by exchanging confessions of lingering-love and constant cravings. All the typical dramatic-events sung about in love-songs and read in poetry.
You're trying to tempt your ex into cheating on her new relationship; and you know good and well her new-girlfriend is not going to be crazy about you telling your ex you're still in-love with her. If she's now already with someone new, your feelings for her are irrelevant. That love couldn't save your broken and departed-relationship. I've been through the pain; and I know how it feels. Trust me! It's horrible!
You broke-up for a reason; and now you're busy at-work, trying to sabotage her relationship in spite of the fact that yours failed! Undermining her relationship on the sly is unhealthy for you; because the reasons you've parted are still there. Pride and ego refuse to be dumped for somebody else; but baby-girl, it is what it is! That chapter in your life is now closed. You do not need to be "friends." You need to move-on and get a life.
Think about it. If she has replaced you already, that's an indication she has moved-on; regardless of what she says out of guilt and/or to prevent you from attempting something more devious. She's protecting her new relationship by trying to keep you calm. You know her girlfriend is likely to see your messages on her phone; and you're trying to keep her phone as active and full of your messages as possible. Like I said, lesbian drama. Careful! What goes-around...comes around!
Sweetheart, you have to cut all contact. You've got to let her go, and don't listen to her sweet-talk. She's telling you what you want to hear to avoid any trouble. You may not even realize what you're doing; but it is self-destructive to punish yourself by chasing after an ex; who has already replaced you with someone else. That's telling you that what they wanted, you couldn't fulfill. Not that you weren't good enough, or pretty enough; but what they needed they've found in somebody else. If you give yourself time to heal, you will detach; and you will get-over her. You're picking the scab on your heart. Playing games with your own feelings. Only for her to defend her relationship by continuously rejecting you. Or worse, toying with your feelings to stroke her ego. You have to take-back the power you gave her over your emotions and feelings.
Sweetie, remove her from your contacts, block her calls, delete all the messages; and do your best to move on. You are in early-stages of post-breakup withdrawal; it's difficult to give-up someone you thought you loved. If the relationship gets so bad you have to breakup; love wasn't strong enough to save it. When they find someone soon after leaving you, it was to put-up a wall to keep you away; and to find someone they think gives them what they want and need they weren't receiving from you. They are tired of your drama, fighting, and feeling angry and hurt. They would rather find peace and harmony with someone else. Even if you got along well, her love wasn't on the same spectrum as yours; or replacing you would have been a lot more difficult.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (27 October 2020):
 Hello OP,
Why are you sitting around driving yourself crazy, for someone who is not in your life anymore?
It really hurt that both of you broke up...and I guess the pain of breaking up caused you to really enjoy that pain. So you can't wait to get back together for a second round of pain.
Let's go back to basic human behaviour...You accidentally put you hand on a hot stove burner, and gave yourself 3rd degree burns. The pain is out of this World. So you go back into the kitchen, you see the stove after six months, and you think...Hmmmmm...Maybe if I burn my hand a second time, maybe it won't be so bad?
You never go backwards...Ever!!! Unless she is your wife, and you are trying to save your marriage. If you cannot stay together now before marriage, you really want to find out what happens after marriage??
Best way to get and keep the right person in your life, is to keep the wrong ones out of it.
The right person could be standing right in front of you. But if you are to busy chasing the past and what you had, you will miss the good things to come, and what you could have.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (27 October 2020):
 I think that if your in a relationship you don't normally text an ex to see how they are doing.
So she got in touch, and you have said you are still in love with her and want to get back together. She did say she still thinks about you, so naturally her head is probably all over the place at the moment.
We don't know how serious her relationship is with her current partner. Although if she got in touch with you, then said she still thinks about you, so maybe not that strong.
I would leave the ball in her court now, she already said she needs time to think about it. I would refrain from contacting her again and give her the space she needs, however long it may take, some things are worth the wait.
If she does not get back to you, then you know she has decided to stay with her current partner. If she does get back to you, and wants to take things further, refrain from getting serious to soon, rebound relationships are normally short lived.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2020): Here's the thing. You need to decide when "enough is enough". You cannot just wait for feelings to disappear on their own. First you need to work hard on changing your perspective - the way you think about yourself, your relationship and her.If you really meant what you said about respecting her, her decision, her new relationship DON'T call her. That's how you show respect.She IS in a relationship, whether you like it or not. I have no idea why she contacted you in the first place. Maybe she knows (or guesses) that you are still hung up on her and she needed some ego-boost, maybe she had a fight with her new bf, or she got bored or nostalgic...You say "broke-up". These things are rarely mutual, even where both parties more or less agree on it, there's always someone who wants it more or has more guts to instigate it. So, you remain vague.If it's her that left you, well then, she has the upper hand. She may feel comfortable in reaching back to you fully aware that she has the power. Even if you are the one who technically left her or initiated the conversation about it, it doesn't mean that you really were the one who did the leaving. You are still alone, hung upon on her, wanting her back, while she sailed into a new relationship. So, that tells a lot. You fantasize about "a walk in the park"... come on.Let her be. Start with your own head. Write down, if necessary, the facts and think and act accordingly. Start with the fact that you "broke up" as you put it. Once you start paying attention to your thoughts that lead to fantasizes, when you prevent yourself from dwelling and developing them, feelings will fade away. They ALWAYS do. You may continue to care for her and wish her the best, but you will have your own life (and space for new people) and she'll have her own place - in the past. You say you don't want to sit around waiting, then don't. But it doesn't mean that you should do anything about this infatuation and obsession you have with her. Focus on yourself. Do things you like. Change your lifestyle to suit your needs (go to the gym, get some skills, meet new people...). Stay in touch with your friends and family. Read. Find a new interest. Get a hobby... whatever you like and whatever inspires you. Volunteer...People who think that we do not have the control over our feelings are wrong. Because the control doesn't mean not having them at all for someone, it's whether or not we give them space and act on them. For a feeling to flourish you need to give it space. You need to think about that person in a certain way (love or hate), you need to dwell on these thoughts, feed them... when you don't, as I said, the intensity of a feeling diminishes. People prefer dwelling on these thoughts, feeding them, because they fear emptiness and loneliness, not seeing that emptiness is an opportunity for something better! Sometimes you can even change your perspective completely and wonder what made you in the first place be so infatuated. And the answer is more often than not - something inside yourself. It rarely has to do with how special this other person is. There are so many good, honest, interesting, attractive (special) people out there. Why we get hung up on certain of them is totally up to us. That's where the work needs to be done.Some people need to work this out through many similar experiences, others need less. Some never learn. It's up to us.Moving on doesn't just happen. It's work. First you need to accept that you are afraid of letting go and then not let yourself think about her. When thoughts pop up, acknowledge them and focus on something else. What you may feel as "passion" is just your fear and obsession. Hang in there!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2020): How long were you together?Why did you break up in the first place?What stopped you 'dropping a bomb' with your feelings before now?Sounds to me like you're confused with still being single and your pride is wounded that she's moved on already.Her asking for time to think is her polite way of saying she's moved on. The fact that she didn't instantly throw herself at you is a tell tale sign. Sure she may still think about you, that's normal. But it doesn't sound like she still loves you, it just sounds like she still needed closure and this has given her it.Ask yourself why she has taken a week so far to 'think' without any contact. Ask yourself why you haven't reached out to her again within that week.Two people who still love each genuinely would be making slot more effort. This just seems to me like two confused ex's who just need the final cut off.
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