A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have really no problem with my husband's occasional preoccupation with other women, such as cashiers that he jokes with for the most part. I don't feel much jealously at all. HOWEVER, when he wants sex with me, that is when I get a bit irritated. I don't like how I am expected to not allow his behavior to affect my libido. I haven't really said anything at all about how I feel because I'm not sure how to approach the issue so I am asking others for suggestions. For instance, we had a doctor's appointment and all morning he worked on an elaborate plan to sneak a cookie to the receptionist when we get there. He came up with using a long stick etc to make it funny. After the cookie thing, which she responded well too they got to talking football. It turns out she likes the the team that rivals my husband's favorite team and they jokingly insulted each other. I didn't mind all this stuff and I went to the magazines while they did there thing. He sat down with me and we were quiet and I found a funny article and I began to read it aloud and I looked up and I could tell his mind was someplace else. He looked at me and said, "Can we have sex tonight?" I said, "Sure." I then started to share the article with him reading aloud and I could tell he wasn't listening and I said, "Did you hear what I read?" He responded with, "I can't believe she's a packers fan" and he smiled and had this far away stare. I said, "So in other words, you aren't listening?" He came back with.."No no...I am..but I'm also thinking too..." Then I felt so irritated that there was NO way I was gonna be able to feel like having sex that day. I didn't say anything but felt like I should. I don't want be angry when I say something. I want to be respectful. Am I being unreasonable? My husband jokes about how I never am interested in sex and how he never gets any, even though we have it once a week. Am I still supposed to be able to want sex even while my husband is preoccupied with someone else. And usually the "someone else" doesn't experience the side of my husband that is disrespectful. Too often, when my husband and I are together, he has this look on his face like listening to what I say is a painful chore. The way he acts with the other women is how he used to be with me. Basically, I don't feel bad at all about his behaviors up until the moment he asks me for sex.
View related questions:
jealous, libido Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 November 2012):
 It does sound like your husband is crossing the line with his flirtations. Guys are attracted to all sorts of women: that is a fact. Just because we are married or attached to someone in a committed relationship doesn't mean we suddenly turn off our pretty girl radars. Nor does it mean we stop being idiots. What is important is what we do with our attractions.
What your husband is doing though is playing games at your expense. He is unwittingly make you compete for his attention and yes this will affect your attraction to him. How do you know he isn't making love to one of his virtual girlfriends instead of you?
I think it is time for you to either sit down or write him a letter. Explain to him the hurt and pain he is causing you and that you feel like you are competing and you feel like you are constantly coming in second place. Ask him if you are enough for him and why he needs to seek cheap and illusionary validation through others.
Also, your husband may enjoy the thrill of the hunt and once he catches his "prey" he may lose interest in them. Unfortunately, many guys never outgrow the frat boy mentality.
Before I close, I do think you need to take a look at what you are bringing to the table. If you constantly refuse him sex (as he likes to indicate), you are turning down his affections. It is only natural that he will seek to validate them through others -- even if it is just mild flirting. One of the first killers of a marriage is one party turning down the other for sexual affections -- especially if men are turned down. Men express their love and affection through sex and when they are turned down, they are apt to drift.
Also, if he is acting annoyed by you, as much as I hate to break it to you, he may BE annoyed by you. Take a look at some of the triggers that are causing his behavior. Are you badgering him? Nagging? Complaining? Whining? These are all things that may cause him to wince when you speak. I don't mean to say this to be mean, but you may be unconsciously doing it.
Finally, I *highly* recommend you read Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and her book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". They will not be easy reads in terms of looking at what is going on your marriage, but I think if you follow what she talks about, you very well could turn around your marriage.
You may also consider going to therapy -- even on your own. I think there is significantly more going on in your marriage than what you've listed here. You may gain further insight into your husband's actions -- and your subsequent reactions through a counselor.
Also, if it matters, go Bears.
Eddie
A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (27 November 2012):
 His preoccupation with other women is being very disrespectful to you. It's time to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart chat about this. You need to let him know exactly how this is making you feel, and that it's affecting your desire to want sex whenever he asks.
...............................
|
