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male
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*umped :(
writes: Hi, I've just been dumped by my fiancee. We've been together for 6 years. Most of which we have spent every day together, including 2 years of travelling when we were together 24/7. I'm very upset.She says that she "loves me, but is not in love with me". Basially, I've never been able to show her a lot of emotion or loving. It doesn't mean that I don't love her, but I've never been able to show it in manner which she can understand. Also, there have been issues that she wanted to talk about which I have been unable to, not because I didn't want to, but I was literally unable to.My childhood wasn't great. My mom gave me a huge amount of grief for anything I did which she didn't like. From the smallest thing upwards. You have no idea. We had rows for years. Whatever I said caused a huge row, and I found it difficult to deal with. She kept a diary of our rows in case she forgot, just to remind herself. After the rows, she refused to talk to me for weeks afterwards. Now whenever I have a row, I just expect to have grief and go immediately into 'defensive mode' if you know what I mean. When my sister was killed, my mom told me she would have preferred it if it was me that was dead and not her. I have never been told I was loved, not been kissed or hugged by my parent. And my 'ex' fiancee wonders why I have problems with showing emotions.I love her deeply, and do not want to lose her. But she has had enough, and is leaving me. I know that I have many issues that need addressing, more than I can write here, and I know I have stuffed up our relationship as a direct consequence. My problem is, how can I get her to give me another chance to try to improve myself ? We've had problems before over the same issue, and has given me chances that I didn't follow up. Basically because I was scared to. I didn't want to admit that I had a problem. But now it is very clear that I do, and its too late for me to do anything about it. She has also asked me to arrane a date for our marriage, and I made excuses not to. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was scared to. I desperately want to revive our relationship. I do not want to lose her, but it all seems to be over. Can anyone suggest anyway that I can persuade someone who has given up on me to try one more time ? I'd be eternally grateful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): Well, I don't know how she really feels about you and your relationship. There could have been other things that she had "had enough" with. Talk to her. Ask her how she would feel about giving it another go, and also ask her what went wrong before. Tell her everything you have explained here to us. If she loves you, she will understand and possibly want to give it another try. In the meantime, I'd suggest that you try to better yourself somehow. Show her that you are willing to make an effort for her. Please consider counseling. In your situation, growing up the way you did, I don't think counseling would do anything but help. At least when you ask her to take you back, you have proof that you really are making an effort to change your ways. Even if she doesn't take you back, counseling can help you deal with your emotional issues, so in the future you won't have the same problems in relationships. Just ask her how she feels, explain everything about what went wrong and why, tell her how you intend to change your ways, and ask her to give you another shot. If it doesn't work, she's already moved on, and you have no choice but to do the same. Continue to improve yourself, no matter what. Down the road a ways, you don't want these same problems occuring. I wish I had a miracle answer, but I hope this will do. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out for you in the end. Take care!
~RJGirl
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