A
female
age
36-40,
*ammyFaye1985
writes:Hi, I previously asked a question relating to the situation I found myself in. To be honest I had some rather rude and insensitive answers from one particular user but each to their own opinion.Basically I was in an violent abusive relationship with one man who I felt trapped with. I started an affair with another man at my office which went on for six months before My ex was arrested for beating me up and I left. I continued the relationship with the other guy which as going well although adjusting to life outside the abusive relationship was very difficult for me.I have struggled financially and emotionally, drinking excessively and the new guy being unsure and uncertain. I am in love with him but it felt more like it was just sex at first, which developed more and more. However, he is quite deep, a man of few words although now I see is sincere,sensitive and not forthcoming with his feelings.Anyway, Christmas I spent alone, which was sad as I am used to a family around me, another reason that tipped me over the edge. I just felt that my new boyfriend was not including me in his life and affairs not introducing me to his family or friends and didnt want anyone at work knowing either.Anyway, it was becoming more and more sour from December to March this year as there were rumours - which arent true at all - about him sleeping with another woman who has started, which I know wasnt true.Anyway,three weeks ago I met up with my abusive ex to retrieve my passport and got drunk ended up sleeping with him - big mistake. My boyfriend found out and we had a huge fight he stormed out two weeks ago. Complete silence and ignoring me kepy my keys and hoover. I returned his stuff whilst he was out.After agonising over this for the last two weeks and crying myself to sleep praying he would come back. He turned up at my house late last night but was trying to hide from me and leave my stuff outside for me to collect.I caught him, he agreed to talk to me and get "closure" he came across like he really didn't care about me any more and that I had hurt him too much that he wanted to leave his current job where we work together due to all this. That broke his heart and that he had spoken to family members about me and they think he should leave. I said it is very cowardice to just disappear on someone you are meant to love and that it shows he doesn't care about my feelings. He said he didn't want to see me that night as he knew he had missed me. He said it felt strange being at my house again and that he didn't want to be there, he was acting really cold and cruel. He said he wanted a baby with me and stuff and said he was committed to me and felt like I was just constantly messing about and not taking it seriously. I explained I was sorry that it has been hard for me since I left my ex and that I did love him but made sure I didn't beg him back or anything. Anyway we ended up going to get something to eat and then he dropped me to mine gave me a hug and said bye then asked to stay at mine. I said yes but didn't want to have sex. We ended up in bed and he was so passionate in kissing me and cuddling me. I said I didn't think it was a good idea to sleep together but it ended up happening anyway and although it was so nice, I felt a bit sad like it was not the same because we aren't officially back together. We fell asleep and this morning he was talking to me again, saying he wanted to move out of London, that he wanted to be with me but was still hurt and stuff. He is away with family the next couple of days and left some of his things at mine again. He asked as he was leaving I need to know whats going on with us, I said you know how I feel about you but its in your court now. Its whether you can get past this, whether you can forgive and whether you still want it and see it going somewhere. I think he is still a bit confused and so am I but I do love him and want to be with him. Anyway he said we will speak when he gets back. I just hope we can hit reset and start again happily and move forward from this. I have learned that as much as a manipulative my ex was he has tried to keep a foot hold in my life by speakin to my family. But I know who I want now and have managed to sever all ties with my ex. I dont know, I often wonder if this guy is serious about me though as I previously stated I havent met any of his friends or family.What should I do?
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affair, at work, christmas, drunk, kissing, my ex, trapped, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (5 April 2018):
 So your question is what should you do to move forward. I read your previous post and saw nothing I could add at that time. This post has more details but is at the same time even more incriminating. You have done some horrible things, and you know it. There is no point in going over that anymore. The two most important things you can do are Join AA and get off alcohol, and get into individual counseling. It is not unusual for victims of abuse to self sabotage, and you need help to prevent doing that again.
You need to accept and own your responsibility in this mess, and stop trying to fix his behaviors. You need to understand how damaging our behavior has been. This is called heavy lifting. You are the wayward partner here and it is your job to replace the trust you have broken.
Trust is built like a brick wall of promises made and kept. You make promises to him and you keep those promises. They can be simple things. You promise to be home at a certain time, and you get home on time. You promise not to text your ex, and you allow BF to have your password. You agree to a date, and you don't break it.
like many people in your situation you want it to be what it was right away. That's not possible. You drove a bulldozer through that wall. it's going to take months to build it back. maybe years. Are you willing to do it?
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 April 2018):
 Also, when acting the way you have been, "getting your drinking under control" means no drinking at all. Not one. Ever. You are showing signs of being an alcoholic or, at the very least, showing extremely reckless judgement when drinking. That means you can't just have on drink; you'll cave and have more - leading to further cruel, poor decisions.
You can't trust him because he had an affair with you. He can't trust you because you cheated on your ex and now on him. That's a pattern of behaviour, OP. You cheat on people and don't care how it feels to them. That's why you're not ready for a relationship and need to get PROFESSIONAL help, as well as be single.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 April 2018):
OP, you need to accept that you have a problem, get into therapy and be single until you work out your own issues. You've been through trauma, but this is self-sabotage and will hurt others too. You need to get help and fix yourself before being in a relationship.
You need to avoid jumping from one relationship to another and get the help you need or you'll find yourself in this exact same situation (if not worse) in a decade.
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