A
male
age
26-29,
*ow1234
writes:Hey guys I am 18 and I always feel that something bad will happen I always have negative thinking all the time. It is affecting my behaviour and my social life and I am really getting tensed because of this. Somedays back I went for my friend (girl) birthday to a club we had become friend just some months back now after her birthday she doesn't replies my messages and we don't even talk. I feel so bad. At times I am really paranoid. I feel that I don't have a nice personality and I wanna improve my personality. I have a negative personality. What shall I do to change my personality? How shall I have a positive personality? Pls help me!! I need serious help Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (1 January 2015):
Dear OP,
You don't have a bad personality! You sound as if you care about people and want to improve as a person. Those are already virtues that will help you throughout your life. BUT you are still insecure and scared about the world. It's understandable, because you are just about to become a man and there are many new things for you to explore. For instance, how to find your place among the adults, how to approach women, find somebody to love. Those challenges are not easy and they can be scary sometimes or make you feel like a loser.
Maybe you also feel bad because you feel rejected by this girl that you liked.
It's a painful, but normal part of growing up, that sometimes the people we like don't like us back. Don't let this bring you down.
Some ideas I have that might help you (wiseowle also mentioned some of them)
1. Talk to people you trust. You shouldn't just hide those fears and the sadness. It's good to get it off your chest.
2. You are probably your own worst critic. Can you pay attention to the things that you say to yourself, in your head? Do you build yourself up, can you say "good job" to yourself when you did something good? Or are you always criticizing what you do?
A lot of people have an ongoing negative monologue inside themselves, and to change this can be important for your mental health. Try to talk to yourself as if you were your best friend, or a friendly coach, therapist, parent.
Instead of putting yourself down, encourage yourself every day! When you're tired, give yourself a break. Be kind and patient with yourself. Love yourself, take care of yourself. After all, you are the person that you will spend most of the time in your life with. If you don't have a good relationship with yourself, then you're going to have a bad time.
3. Pay attention to all the good things that others do for you, and all the good things you do for others. Pay attention to everything you do well. Often, we do so many things in a good and constructive way, but we only look at our mistakes. We forget the times when we were polite, on time, when we solved a problem, helped somebody out etc.
Also, we forget that we are being loved by others, that we get support and trust.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014): Part of how you feel comes with age, some of the negativity may be due to the lack of skills to handle some of the social situations you're in; and you may also need professional-counseling if you constantly feel anxious, angry, and paranoid. It sounds a lot like typical teenage behavior to me. I can't be sure, I've never met you.
Let's attribute the the negativity to low self-esteem and the feeling you don't measure-up to everyone's standards. Everyone seems cool, and you feel you're not quite as outgoing and likable. You're transitioning from your boyhood to manhood. The confusion you have, comes from the mental-growth and development of your mind. A transition from a childish understanding, to taking on a new social challenges. You're afraid of making mistakes, being liked, gaining popularity among your peers; and not looking foolish or awkward in-front of your friends, who seem so well-adjusted. We all grow at different rates, and reach different levels in our development from others. You can't always compare yourself to other people in a negative way.
When your mind races, take very long deep breaths, and slowly exhale. Do this several times. Bring oxygen to your brain, and steady yourself. Focus on your breathing and ignore the bad-thoughts. Remember, most people your age go through the same thing you are. You're growing-up.
Focus on what is good in your life. The love you have from your family, the fact that you have friends at all. You're the same age as most of your friends and schoolmates, and some feelings you have are growth-hormones going wild as you reach your manhood. You're at the awkward stage in your life, when nothing seems right.
I know it's confusing. You just over-think every situation; fearing failure or embarrassing yourself. Maybe you've said something stupid, or did something silly; and people laughed or ridiculed you. You took it to heart. This happens to everyone, young man. We all do dumb things.
Go online and read different articles about improving your self-esteem. How to build self-confidence, and how to feel comfortable around a lot of people. You have to understand your moods and feelings, in order to know how to deal with them. That's where professional-counseling could help tremendously. Also why you have a father!
It may be totally difficult explaining how you feel; if you have very ultra-traditional parents, who see everything in black and white. Or parents who are distant and overly-critical. You can also seek counseling through your family spiritual-adviser; if you practice Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism, or Sikhism. It will give you inner-peace and enlightenment.
Give yourself credit for trying. You can't always be so hard on yourself thinking the worst all the time. We all make foolish mistakes in public. We all get criticized or laughed at. Everyone you know!
Growing-up into the adult-world is frightening and confusing. So you'll see the worst-case scenario when you're not sure how you should handle certain social situations. Just hangout as much as you can with your friends, and observe how they behave. Practice what they do that is sensible and attractive to other people. Practice self-control. You don't have to say everything that comes to your mind, and you don't have to act-out on every angry-impulse that hits you. You simply relax, and enjoy being with the people you like.
Talk to your father, or any adult-male that you can trust and consider most important to you. They will give you the benefit of their experience, share life-philosophy, answer questions, and they can explain a lot of how you feel. They also need to know; if you are undergoing mental-health issues that require immediate attention.
You can't keep these things to yourself, or feel foolish or afraid to take your problems to your parents. That is what they're there for!
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