A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This will probably get long, and I apologize, but I appreciate anyone who reads and tries giving advice, as I really just don't know what to do at this point. I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved very deeply, for just over 3 years. It was far from perfect, but what relationship is? We were 8 years apart, me being the older one. For the better part of the first year things were great. There were issues that came up here and there - mainly with my trust issues, having dealt with assholes for so long before we met. We rarely argued tho, and were very close almost from the beginning. We were more than just lovers but - for me anyway - best friends. We lived together the entire 3 years and moved from one state to another just after our first year together. The move was supposed to be a new beginning for both of us, in a new city neither of us had ever been to. The reason behind it was for me to go to school. It was a decision we made together, and both felt that it would be good for us. For the first several months things were fine we were happy, but something started slipping. I was involved in school and didn't have a lot of free time, he was working full time and meeting other people. We started arguing - mostly over small things, and not very often, but the one thing that really bothered me was that he always hid his friends from me. I was never "allowed" to know who he was talking to or spending time with. If I asked I got accused of being jealous or too controlling. Neither of us knew many people here and I'd hoped that we could establish new friendships and social networks together, but I guess he didn't see it that way. If he went out somewhere he would never tell me, and if I got upset about it or questioned it at all he accused me of not wanting him to have any friends. This led to us breaking up just shy of our 2nd "anniversary" together, and a little less than a year after we moved here. He'd stayed gone all night without calling or letting me know anything and went directly to work the following day, from where ever he'd been, still with no word to me. I was pissed, so I kicked him out. He claimed he'd fallen asleep on a friends couch watching TV. We argued, and of course he twisted everything around to make me look like the bad guy. Days went by, I felt bad, tried working things out, he wouldn't budge. A month or so went by and he contacted me, wanted to "hang out". We started spending more time together, and eventually got back together within a few weeks. He moved back in. Things were good, I'd even say better than they had been in the year prior to us moving here. We were spending more time together, doing more things. We got 2 dogs, who bacame like our kids - raised them from puppies. We were always doing something together, long road trips, camping trips, dinners out, we had fun. With our dogs we were like a little family. I was spending too much money on our entertainment and would get upset about it at times, and over time my grades began slipping. The school I was attending was very intense, high-stress, short deadlines, long hours - 10 to 12 hours a day, 6 days a week most weeks - but for the most part I was able to juggle it and my relationship with him fairly well. Over time tho, I started getting suspicious again - he was talking to people online and hiding it from me. If I asked, he would throw the jealousy card at me again. This was an undending issue between us. I tried not to push, but when I feel like I can't trust my partner I start withdrawing emotionally, and subsequently the affection stops. If I tried talking about it, he just accused me of trying to start an argument. He'd never tell me anything or talk to me about his feelings. I spent too much money trying to make him happy - bought him pretty much anything he wanted, tried helping him establish hobbies that he showed interest in. I paid some of his debts off for him - all with my student loans that were supposed to be used strictly for living expenses - I know, stupid move, but the way I saw it was that he was working full time and I had the money in the bank, so his income could replace the majority of what we spent, over time, and it was helping us both out. I saw us as a committed couple after all, not just someone I was dating. In January of '09 I bought a vehicle for him to use, as the engine in his blew and he didnt have the credit or the money to replace it. I was driving him to work and picking him up, then having to be in class by 8am every day, which left me with about 3 hours sleep in between. It was just too much, so the truck I bought him was to help us both out. It all remained in my name. 2 months later he got sick and had to have emergency surgery. I left class to be with him in the hospital, where I stayed for 3 days, at his side. No one else was there for him - pretty much he and I were all each other had here. When I returned to school I had all the paperwork, but my absence wasn't excused because he wasn't family. I was forced to withdraw from classes or pay 11k to retake them, which I didn't have. 2 years of classes and tuition basically down the drain. I didn't know what I was going to do at that point. My stress levels had reached a boiling point by then, so needless to say, there were more frequent arguments between us, over petty shit usually. But in the month following his surgery, things seemed really great between us. I was taking care of him, trying to find an income, and helping him recover. He asked me to marry him. We got rings, started planning to go up north in the fall where it's legal. Didn't know how we were going to pull it off, but that would have come in time. We were happy. I was happy. We found a cheaper place to rent, with a yard and more space, so our dogs could be outside more often. I busted my ass to move us in there and clean our old place, with virtually no help from him. He helped in the move but that was it. He had to work and I understood that, but his job was not physically demanding, yet he always claimed he was too tired, so it was pretty much left up to me to take care of. I spent every last penny I had to get us in there. We signed a 1-year lease, his name being first on it as I had no income, just student loans. We were relying on his income to live on until I could find work - something we hadn't had to do up to that point, as my loans had paid for most of our rent and bills. A month after we moved into the new place, I asked him to pay the following months rent. He was fine with that. A few days later we had an argument. He said we were too destructive together and broke up with me. I was crushed. I begged him to explain but he wouldnt say anything. Wouldn't budge. He started staying gone a lot. I was trying to be understanding and get him to talk to me, but the more I tried the more he withdrew. He was still using the truck I bought for him, came and went as he pleased. Finally one night I'd had it and blew up on him. We had a major fight, very nasty words thrown back and forth, and he left, in my truck. That was the end of May '09. We spoke a little here and there afterwards, I still tried getting him to work things out but he wouldnt. He left me completely broke, with no way of paying the rent, which got me evicted, took one of our dogs with him, but left pretty much all his belongings behind. With help from family I found another apartment to rent, and moved all my stuff into it. I was completely devastated. I kept the things he'd left behind, knowing he'd want them back, but when I tried contacting him about it he denied leaving anything. He still had the truck, which I was responsible for and paying insurance on, but the cops wouldn't do anything to help me get it back. To this day he still has it, but I don't know where it is. I let the registration expire and cancelled the insurance, but as I understand it - from other people - he's still driving it, with his new boyfriend, who he's been with since about a month after we split. It's been over 14 months. I should be over it by now. I should hate him for what he did. I feel like an idiot for giving him so much, doing so much for him, when I should have seen all along he was just using me. I wasn't completely blind to it, but I loved him and would have done anything for him. I know I made excuses in my own head for what he was doing, hoping all along it would get better over time. But he twisted everything around and made it look like my fault. When we split up he said I controlled him, that I bought the truck because it was a pain in my ass to drive him to work, that I worried too much about money and bills, that I pushed him too hard to get the promotion at work that he got turned down for just after we moved into the new place. Everything was my fault. I know I was never perfect, but I never tried to control him or keep him from doing what he wanted. I only ever tried to encourage him. I never deliberately said or did anything to hurt him. I should hate him but I can't. I've tried. The last time we spoke he accused me of keeping all his stuff and not letting him have any of it back. That was never true. I tried to get him to come get it when I was forced to move, but he wouldn't. I haven't been able to move on from all of this. I tried enrolling in a different school, but I couldn't stay focused. I've been in such a depression since all of this happened, I can't focus on anything. I haven't been able to find work. My social life is virtually non-existant. I have two friends, but I don't see much of them, mainly from my choosing. I don't try to contact him. He tried a few times, after the smoke had cleared but I didn't have much to say. The few times I did try to speak to him I would get upset so it became pretty nasty. He wanted to "remain friends" but I couldn't do that. I feel like I need therapy. I feel like an idiot for being such a sap over all of this. Some days I think it's fine and I feel good, but then I have dreams about him - some random confrontation - and I wake up feeling the way I did the day it all blew up. I can't believe I let someone hurt me this way. That's the part I can't get over. Some days I can't stop crying, and it's not even because I miss him anymore, even though I do, it's just that I feel completely lost. I blame myself for not being good enough to him. There were many things I regret, things I didn't do, times I could have been more affectionate than I was. And thinking of him being with someone else, of having fun, of not caring what he's done to me, makes me angry and hurt at the same time. It's not jealousy. I don't know what it is. I don't know what to do. I know what I should do, but I just can't find the motivation. I feel like he stole everything I'd been working so hard to achieve. He took away everything that was important to me - including him. I know I sound pathetic. I just can't seem to find any other way.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Practice future-oriented thinking. Thinking which is future-oriented and actions which are goal-directed also focus the mind in a direction where one is not looking back on a disappointment or loss that will keep a person stuck in the past and have a negative effect on one's present mood. Negative rumination on past events that are not subject to change serves no positive function. Thinking about what you will do, planning how you will get there, future long-term and short-term goals are all mental activities which will have an uplifting effect on your mood. It's exciting to make plans, to have things to look forward to, and to see one's progress towards achievement of a long-term goal. This is true whether your long-term goal is in the area of work or career, education, finances, relationships, weight loss, cutting back on cigarette smoking or anything else that is important to you. Shorter intermediate goals in service of your ultimate long-term goal help you to recognize the progress you've already made. They are reinforcing and help provide internal motivation to keep on going until your long-term goal is eventually achieved. With all of this positive, productive, and forward-moving mental activity going on, that negative mental preoccupation that was contributing to that blue mood can easily become lost.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): So how are you doing a few days after you wrote it all down - did it help give yourself some closure? There is no easy way to get over that kind of emotional trauma - and of course everyone is different but the good news is the only way is up and you already showed signs of that when you said you couldnt believe the way you had let yourself react weakly. Therapy would help but is sounds like you need to make a plan - no matter how uninspired you feel at the moment - at least doing something constructive will give you some positive feelings...then start taking one small progressive step up at a time....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): I am so sorry for your emotional condition - maybe its not so much that you cant move on but that you are just a spent force - worn out emotionally - you thought this was the one - you put your whole life into working on this relationship and you put everything into trying to make him happy and make it work to the extent where you didnt give yourself any consideration - so now when it has failed you are left with nothing no path to follow no energy no direction no career no money - you are worn out BUT during the course of the relationship you had so much energy and drive - it is there within you - you are at a resting point now - you will be fine but you need nurturing with the right stimulus - keep positive and give yourself time to recover -- it will come back- you just need to find your new exciting path that is waiting for you to follow and this time make sure it is for primarily for yourself - we have to listen to all those wise people that say everything in balance etc - you just put all you got into another person who could not give the same back - you gave too much of yourself to the point now where you feel lost for inspiration - but taking care of yourself following whatever your heart motivates you to do and being close to those who love you will bring you back and all that energy you have will flow again - you and me both....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): I sympathize with what you're going through here. That's rough; it sounded like you and your significant other weren't on the same page about your relationship. Because of what happened in your relationship, it is understandably more difficult for you to let go: he stole your truck and let you with all your stuff. Here's the thing: you did what you could to rectify the situation about your truck and his belongings.
Now all you can do is to not contact him, because he's not worth it. If he was, he wouldn't have been secretive, nor would he have left you at all. My advice is, with what limited money and time you have now, to go enjoy things you like doing and hang out with friends. Why invest any more time and thought into this scumbag?
I know you don't have a lot of funding for yourself, but maybe you should consider counseling if you can't let go of this guy. Again, it's understandable because you had a lot invested in him, but it's really not healthy for you to worry about him all.
I don't know where you live, so I'm not much help, but I suggest you do some research on low-cost or no-cost psychological counseling clinics in your area. They do usually, exist, particularly in college towns.
One thing I've found that helps is writing your thoughts and feelings down in a private journal. You can write it like you're writing letters to your ex (don't actually send it!) or just like a regular journal entry. (Buy a paper journal or notebook; don't put this one on the Internet.) It sounds silly, but when you write down and re-read your thoughts, you can pick out themes in how you feel and when you feel it, and you'll also realize maybe why you're so tied down to him still, etc. It's been therapeutic for me in many ways.
I hope this was helpful at all. My heart really goes out to you.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (5 August 2010):
 The first thing u need to do is close ur eyes and say its not my fault. U were dating a real queen I must say. He was hiding things from you, chatting with ppl online, going out and not coming home. I give u props for being a mature sexual homosexual man in this relationship....U were ready to commit and he clearly was using u for your $ and relationship to fall back on. Because when u were hitting rock bottom he kicked u down even harder..I have many of gay friends and majority of them are rather promiscuous..the only one time I saw a gentleman in another relationship with another male similar to your story he was cheating on him behind his back. Its good that ur not friends with him anymore, but if I were u and heterosexual and homosexual relationships are completely parallel I would throw urself back out into the dating scene nothing serious just a couple of flings to progress into the im getting over him stage..Take back ur life, he doesnt own u, nor does he have a hold on u anymore...Ur touching the bottom all u can do is go up from here!!
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