A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has only slept with 2 people in his life - myself and one other that was a drunken moment when he was a teenager. Consequently, I found him to be a bit inexperienced (he was 33 when we met) so sex has always been polite and nothing crazy. I have never orgasmed though because he always ejaculates quickly which is annoying at the time but nothing I get too upset about.However, for the past year or more my sexual desire has gone from 10 to zero and he has stopped asking for it now. The problem I have is that he only wants to in the morning before he has to get up for work so its quick and easy without foreplay etc. He only worries about himself so I feel like its a chore, one I'd rather avoid because its over so quickly.I would like our sex life to improve greatly but I also have major body issues at the moment because I have put on weight and he makes comments that I should go to the gym - he never says I am beautiful etc. I am also a bit shy now because it has been so long so am too scared to initiate it, let alone discuss it with him.Can you tell me if anyone else is going through this problem, and do you know if there is a female viagra or something (in Aust) to get me interested again? I want the passion to come back like we were when we first met.Help!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 Ok, maybe going over the edge here, but here goes.
To male reader, anonymous:
You have to stop treating your wife like she's going to break.
She wants it direct and immediate, no foreplay no kissing, just C^*K, give it to her hard and often and everywhere.
Get aggressive and soon things will just get better.
However with the poster it's just the opposite, you're his blow up sex doll. Roll me over and do it again.. borrring.
But how do you fix that. This may not be what 20 sessions will sound like in a shrinks office but here goes:
Girls night out, many of them. Get decked out in your finest, act all excited and sexy, you probably won't have to act because it's fun to get dressed up and go out on the town. Go out come home late and again all excited but tired from all that fun, shower, be naked and don't worry about your body, that's even sexier than sex, believe that!!! get ready for bed but don't go to bed, read a book, do laundry, do anything but get into bed. Then go to bed and laugh and giggle and sing if you want to. Go to sleep but get up before your husband does, don't be in the house, go shopping, gardening, talk to the neighbour, get OUT of the house before he is awake even if he gets up at 5am. I must warn you though that if you go out with the girls there will be questions, when you get home there will be questions, when you are not in bed in the am there will be questions. Take them with a grain of salt.
"Oh, had to do this and that.. have to bake, garden, so much to do" Say everything with the air of no worries, just about my business and pat him on the arm or back and speed off. Speed is important here, no long conversations, just speed off with a sigh and a smile and a little laughter. Soon it will be "what's gotten into her?" But maintain your chores, your sexy style, your need for speed. Do this in about a few weeks after girls night out. When you know he's about to come through the door he finds you on hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. In jeans, rags, a dress, granny pjs, it won't matter. Because once he sees that you may be in harms way.. just warning you run, but you probably won't get past the dinning room.
That'll fix things in ways he'll never understand, but you'll have one clean kitchen floor for months to come.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011):
You and your husband sound like my me and my wife. In fact, if you didn't say you were in Australia I'd bet it was her posting!
I was a virgin when I met her and she's the only one I've been with. I wouldn't say our sex has always been polite, because I can get rougher than she wants sometimes, but, yeah, there are certain things I won't do with her that I'd probably do with a mistress (like tie her to the bed and drip candle wax on her.) I just feel weird doing that with the woman I love. She hasn't said she needs that to get off, but she's pretty shy about discussing sex. I do know that an old boyfriend used to tie her up with rope and that she used to share some fantasies that made me feel like she was a bit of a slut (like having two men at once or sleeping with another woman or having a one night stand with an anonymous man or having sex with a well-hung black man) so I know deep down she has some kinks that I just don't bring out of her.
I think she feels sex with me is a lot more boring than she thought it would be, because of the "bad boy" lifestyle I lived when we first met. I definitely know she thinks I am a terrible kisser - sticky lips and sloppy. She says I kiss "like a little boy." We haven't engaged in romantic kissing in ages and I know that French kissing was something that turned her on. I would like to improve on my kissing, but I need her to be patient with me and she's just not.
I shouldn't share this, but once I went to a bachelor party and there were strippers there. One of them sat on my lap giving me an eyeful and then started to kiss me (thank god I didn't get mono or anything else!) and it was so erotically charged. We were kissing each other so deeply and passionately I could tell she really enjoyed it and I did, too. Our lips and tongues connected so expertly and it was like we were predicting each others movements. We were so in sync and in rhythm. We were both breathless. Obviously, that girl had kissed her share of men so being with a woman who could take a little charge and show me the way could do wonders for my technique. We probably would have blown each other's minds in bed, too, had it gotten there. It was because I was able to relax and not be nervous and not worry about what she thought. With my wife, there is always this sense of; "Oh my God! Am I doing this right? Is that what she wants? Oh no, I am on her hair! She seems bored." Therefore, I know I am capable of being a good kisser and likely a good lover with the right partner. I think my wife could be that partner if she wasn't so critical of my technique, just lived in the moment, and relaxed a lot. It's not that she's critical verbally, but her body language says a lot.
I have brought her to orgasm using my fingers and occasionally by rubbing her clit while having sex, but I, too, tend to ejaculate quickly and it frustrates her so much she basically gave up. She used to ask for Round Two to try to get off, which I obliged but I think that was out of frustation and not because she had such a good time(she didn't get off the first time). It's not that I don't care about her pleasure. It's just that I get so excited when I am with her I lose control! I try to engage in a lot of foreplay, but she says she doesn't enjoy it much and wants to get to the Main Event post haste! If I play with her breasts she's like "Why are you men so fascinated with those things? What are you doing? The action is down below, buddy!" Giving her oral? Forget it. She won't do it and doesn't want me to do it. She just wants sex and she wants to get off from it and I can't do that for her often.
She has told me that sex is just not worth it to her anymore because her orgasm takes so long and it is so much work for the two of us that she'd rather not bother. I think, like you, she was hoping for fireworks in the bedroom to help get her off and I am just not as capable of that as maybe some of her other lovers. I have asked her to teach me and help me practice (both sex and kissing the way she wants to), but she is not interested in that. I think she feels that either you got it or you don't and I don't. That's not fair to me, though, because I am still interested in making love to her and satisfying her.
Like you, she has now gained weight. Unlike your husband, I tell her it doesn't matter and I think she is beautiful. However, she doesn't feel sexy. Like you, I think we are also now a bit shy to even approach the subject. We tried having sex on vacation at my suggestion (I was surprised she agreed!) and it was terrible. She just got so tense and I was so nervous that we couldn't really manage to do it. It felt really weird and awkward and forced instead of natural and loving. After that wonderful experience I don't know if I can convince her to try again, because that was 10x worse than any previous experience and she seemed to hate every moment of it. (Worse than she remembered, I am sure.)
I wish I had a solution to this problem. We are discussing sex therapy. What I think needs to happen is that we just need to start doing it again. It won't feel weird after the third, fourth time in succession and maybe we can find a rhythm. I desperately hope so! The big problem now is actually doing it, because we are both so shy and embarrassed we can't even talk about it let alone do it. We love each other, but we can't keep living in a sexless marriage!
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 Quckies are like a snack, better than nothing when you are on the run or tired but you can't live on them forever. That's why you have shut down to sex. You need some meat and potatoes in your diet on a regular basis to fill you up again.
And the benefit of this to your husband is more sex! So it's a win win proposition for both of you. There are many ways you can achieve this by extended foreplay with your husband alone or by introducing some toys like a couple of vibrators.
The rule I like best for men who don't last very long is the "me first, then you rule". Which is self explainatory.
The second issue is the one of body consciousness. You have two choices, either lose weight and get fit or learn to love your body as it is. I think that the later is a better choice, because you don't have to be skinny to enjoy good sex. And once you have improved the love connection between your husband and yourself, you will probably start to feel better about yourself, which will eventually lead to a happier and fitter you all on its own.
Hopefully your husband loves you enough to be on board with this program, and would rather have regular sex with you now, as you are, than the promise of regular sex later with a thinner wife. If he doesn't well that's another issue all together.
But I think that if you are willing to work with him as he is with all his faults, then he should be willing to work with you on yours. Good sex depends on you both making a new committment to each other. The alternative is to continue as you have been, and just give up on ever having a mutually satisfying sex life. And you are both too young to do that for the rest of your lives.
Buy a couple of books or movies, whatever works to get the blood flowing again. But you have to make time for good sex, or you may as well give up on your marriage.
So sit down with him and see if he is willing to meet you halfway on this or not.
I wish you the best! Please write back and let us know how it is going.
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