A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts,I am struggling with an issue that I have with my husband whom i love very much. This is not a new issue but sometimes it gets so ridiculous i stop and think why is this happening?Hubby and i have a pretty good life, we've had our struggles over the 10 yrs together, ive been through cancer, job and money problems, blended family issues, ex spouses, the list goes on but we always look at each other and are happy together and know it..we have conversations about the things going on and know its hard but agree there's no where else we'd rather be. My husband is always professing his love whether its cute texts i wake up to in the morning or breakfast in bed, i know he loves me and i do things like this for him. But...here's the but..i cant handle his mood swings ?? little things set him off and he wont forget them. If my 18 year old forgets her books on the couch..like her book bag he flips out over the fact that its dirty, or if she forgets to load the fridge with water cause thats her job. She goes to school and works, shes not lazy-she forgets and if i make any excuses..look out, the yelling starts.We can be talking on the ph while hes driving and if i ask him to repeat himself cause i didnt hear him he'll be like haaaang on im trying to get through this intersection..and then ill get the whole story of what its like in the traffic how horrible and how sometimes he speaks too fast and i have to patient and he goes on and on and is totally annoyed with me now and i didnt even do anything wrong as far as im concerned other than say pardon? Then once hes going on he'll shift gears on me and start telling me he was annoyed about something like the books on the sofa ot the water or the fan was left on or the lint tray wasnt emptied or theres hair on the floor or the blanket is put on the chair wrong and its blocking the remote control for the tv. Then he'll start bringing up history...from 5 years ago!The other night was bad. I was showing him something on fb that is a little controversial with his family. I was explaining fb, he doesnt have it. We had a great dinner watched some tv, home alone, we had plans for a bath..you know, and all of a sudden he starts freaking out, getting exasperated with me cause he says he has no patience for the crap and i was like sorry you told me to keep you in the loop and he just started going on and on and yelling and actually lost his voice and went and slept on the office floor. I said please come to bed but he refused.I said you cant talk to me like this, you can't yell at me like this.I've told him before this is abusive. Weve been to 1 counselling session. That happened because i asked him a question one day and he flipped out because he was busy answering a text and i should wait til hes done. He wouldnt go back to counselling.I went to a therapist and he said my husband will never change, he's an angry person.He has never hit me, touched me, he treats me like a queen except for when hes in a mood or something stupid sets him off and you just dont know what itll be. I blame it on stress but sometimes hes all happy but a bit too happy and then bam he flips.The hardest patt for me is that he'll always blane me or someone else for hus behaviour. He'll turn it around and somehow blane you for his outburst and this is when ill start to get heated...like seriously? I dont know, the nore i write the nore i wonder if hes bi polar or depressed but i suggest that to him he'd say its everyone elses fault.Not many people would believe he's like this, only people that have lived with him know.I don't know what to do. I cannot always keep my mouth shut to stop things from getting out of control, some of his crap is just stupid or unreasonable i cant just agree with and then he takes that personally and is mad at me!Any advice other than leave would be nice cause this doesnt happen daily but i know it can be weekly to every other week im putting out a fire.Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): You need to get him into the doctor for a check-up right now.All kinds of stuff can be wrong with the way he is acting.To name a few....heart problems....dementia it does not affect just the elderly....he could have depression or even be bipolar.You will never know until you see a doctor.Let me tell you my dad was like that just before he had a stroke and died.Do not delay in him seeing a doctor.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (3 October 2017):
Hi OP,
Sorry to say...It matters not what ANYONE is suffering from...Respect, self discipline, kindness to others, is still due.
In fact, the more you are suffering, the kinder, and more respectful you should be....Why?? The very people you are pissing off, are very people you are going to need to help you, in your worst of times. So no excuse.
You are NOT allowed to make excuses for him either. You do not tell people "Oh sorry, my husband is suffering from ADHD." You tell them the truth right in front of him..."My husband is not a very nice person. Let's go over here and talk."
The truth always hurts, but everyone needs to hear it in order to learn.
"Someone who will not learn will be poor and disgraced. Anyone who listens to correction is respected."
"Arrogance should be punished, so that people who don't know any better can learn a lesson. If you are wise, you will learn when you are corrected."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2017): Hi OP,I'm the one who brought up the ADHD.I just wanted to tell you again how much I can relate with what you're going through.ADHD or not, he's being ABUSIVE. I know. I've been there. I wondered too, how come my hubby could be OK with others and not me. Mind you, when I say "others" not everybody else, just everybody who's important to him, boss, his family (not his mother though, but the family that has rejected him and that he has been trying to impress), some of HIS friends (with mine, he cared less, so here and there the monster would rear its ugly head)...He could be ok because it took everything he had to pretend that he's normal (some ADHD sufferer resort to drinking a bit more in social or stressful situations, some use and abuse drugs, btw, one of the ADHD signs is when a person takes cocaine and feels calmer than usual, more focused). That's why his social life is close to nil. he just cannot make that kind of an effort - that's what I meant when I said he has been always oversimplifying everything since he cannot deal with the real, "normal", life.But enough about him. As I said, no matter what kind of a medical condition he has, what he does when he lashes out or tries to otherwise control you is abuse. And your suffering is real. And this negative behaviors can not only seriously affect his life but yours as well.He has to address this problem ASAP, because there are no magical solutions and healing will take time, even with the meds. Even when his cognitive abilities get better (and in the beginning it may happen fast when he's under the influence of the meds) and he's mood seems better balanced and he gets overwhelmed with this newfound feeling of optimism, some of the symptoms will still linger on, including anxiety, controlling and obsessive behaviors, tantrums... Chemistry is not enough. Cognitive therapy is a must. You have to make a serious decision. What if he doesn't want to address his problems? We'll you stay and put up with it? (just to remind you that you do not deserve this. you did nothing to be punished that way. just because you are healthier - more normal than he is - you are not obliged to be there for him and take the abuse)What if he starts therapy but is still very much abusive?(therapy is hit and miss process. some meds work better for some people but no meds will always work for everyone at any given moment. They come with some heavy side effects which shrinks usually do not talk about enough - they're bad for the cardio-vascular system, they may influence negatively the hormonal balance, significant hair-loss, problems with eyes... and trust me these side-effects can make him feel miserable and worsen the ADHD symptomes)Do you want to hold his hand and take the abuse?I love my husband. He wishes to do good. But my decision to stay with him has seriously affected my life. I knew that he was not fit to be a father, so time went by and I have no kids. I don't blame him. It was my decision. I do not regret it. Being the one who picks up what he cannot do, which is pretty much everything except his job and driving, has significantly influenced my career choices, since I was painfully aware that I'm only human and that I cannot do it all. So instead of a real career, I have 2 jobs that allow me to organize my time so that I can get everything done. Paying bills and doing taxes was just too much for him and I took in onto myself to get it done and avoid his anger when he gets frustrated by what he feels is the complexity of things...Think about yourself and what YOU want out of life. Know your limits. It's ok if you don't have the answers right now, but start asking yourself the right questions.You may discover that you too have some problems, otherwise you wouldn't have put up with all of this (it happened to me). But even that's okay. I sometimes joke that people stay with each other if they have compatible diagnosis :)Focus on yourself. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBrownWolf, thank you. Often when he's on a rant I just listen and when I don't respond he's like You're not saying anything! I'm not because I don't agree with him and if I say what I'm thinking it would start him up more however my lack of words affect him negatively as well.I can't agree with some of his expectations because I know people are human. Ironically though should he be human and mess up and point it out omg! He'll either joke I'm picking on him if it's something little to a full blown freak out if it's something big. I never know what will set him off ? you mentioned the lion scenario..it's funny cause I'll tell him big dogs don't bark - they don't need to.. in other words stop yelling!!He himself has said he suffers from ADHD, he has not been diagnosed personally however his son who is 35 was when he was a child and my husband said he fit the criteria for that diagnosis back then so I do believe this is strongly possible. I just see him able to hold himself together with other people in situations yet he can't within his family. He won't address problems with his own siblings because he says he will lose it. Actually the more I think about it I realize he really does have a temper. He's a person who if he feels confronted he lashes out...when we have an argument I'll say why do you have to bring a gun to knife fight? He comes out full barrel and it's crazy. He always says after I'm sensitive...well I am too!! Especially when I'm being screamed at because I said something that does not warrant the screaming.I've often thought he's a control freak...he'll tell me how to do things I've done my way my whole life. How to wash a dish, how to operate the furnace, how and where to park the car.. I'm a certified driver trainer!! One time I was meeting him for dinner, we had jyst bought a brand new car. He wanted me to park in certain spot to avoid anyone door dinging our car..I pulled up near the spot, miss judged the space I needed to turn so instead of backing up and starting over, I drove to another spot. He literally freaked out on me. Do I not see how much it matters to him, do I not understand him blah blah...we actually left the restaurant without eating. He'll actually somehow manage to justify his behaviour with how much he cares about me, the car, how he's caring about saving money...whatever it's about, he'll find a way to justify his anger.. sometimes it exhausts me.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (2 October 2017):
Hi OP,
Simple... Say nothing...Just stare at him...every time. When he ask you what you are looking at, you say..." I don't know. I thought I married a good man. A respectable man. But I have not idea who you are." Then get up and walk away.
You cannot change a man...But you can teach him. One way to do that, is to step on his ego and pride. Tear that away from him, and he will humble himself.
Whenever he acts up...You just stare...when he stops...you say "wow"...Then just walk away. Leave him in his own thoughts and shame.
When you say sorry when he is acting like a fool, it only gives him more power to act even more foolish. But when you do not react to his foolishness, or even respond...he will have address his stupidity...and that will make him think...When I act foolish, I get no response or respect. When I speak with respect, my wife responds, and treat me with respect.
Example... A lion goes to attack a buffalo. But the buffalo faces the Lion and just stares him down. The Lion roars, trying to scare the buffalo so it can chase after it, and take it down. But the buffalo just stands there staring at the Lion. When the Lion realises it will not get the upper hand, it stops roaring, loses interest, and walks away.
Humans are no different. They roar to get the upper hand. But when you stare at their foolishness...they are left to deal with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2017): You CANNOT control his moods. You cannot be perfect according to his set of rules just to avoid anger outbursts.Now...Could he suffer from ADHD?I recognized myself and my hubby in some of things you wrote. He was diagnosed at 41 last year and our life has changed so much for the better. Google it, there are so many web resources.ADHD or not, he should see a therapist asap.Here's my experience, which may not be applicable in your case.I understand what you're going through. At some point I did try to control my husbands mood swings and failed. Something would always go wrong. Life is hard and if he has ADHD he simply cannot live it and be relaxed the way we can. My hubby always felt the need to control his surroundings, keep everything in place, because he lacked the capacity to deal with the complexity of things. He's unable to do more than one thing at a time. Texting AND talking, out of the question. Following more than one conversation, are you kidding? Diving and following GPS directions, a nightmare... Problems were everywhere. Family, friends, work... This made him feel bad. Not just stupid, slow, but unable to organize his own thoughts... and yes, that had led to aggression and obsessing over his way of doing things (order, cleaning, oversimplifying) since he was a boy.Even today, after a year of medical and talk therapy he still says that he's major problem is mood control. Whatever the underlying problem may be, the first step is for him to go see someone and find the right therapy.Goodluck to you both!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2017): Hi, he defo needs to go and see someone about this ,can you speak to him on a calm day?? Nothing will improve unless he gets help.
You sound like your talking about me and I suffer with depression, I am sorry you feel crappy at times but hang on to the good times and I kno people say not to accept pills off the doctor but they help counciling is not for everyone,good luck
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