A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm looking for advice on how to move on from an almost relationship with my dream guy.To provide context (and apologies for the length), earlier this year I met this guy on a dating app. He was from my hometown, we found out we had mutual friends (but we'd never come across each other before in person) and we got on like a house on fire. He had every quality I'd ever wanted in a partner - he was my dream guy and I thought I’d hit the jackpot. Except a few months before we met, he'd moved abroad to play sport, which obviously sucked. The reason we'd matched on the app was because he'd come back home for a family event, but shortly after he had to return, so we didn't manage to meet up in person. Given the distance, I expected the conversation to soon fizzle out but he came back to the UK a few months later and he asked me out on a date and he stayed at my house. Fast forward a few months later again to September (a long time, I know) we were still in touch just as much after he’d returned, being flirty and enjoying speaking to each other. We built a strong connection – it was clear that we both liked each and he became a very big part of my life as we spoke multiple times throughout the day at length and both of us shared important info about what happened in our day-to-day lives with each other, like me getting promoted and moving out into my own place, to him having big working milestones and his wins in his sport. It was obvious by the effort he was putting in that he liked me and he also told his friends he liked me but the distance made things tricky (they then told me). I pretty much felt the same. It very much felt like we were in limbo not being able to move forward because of that. He said he was probably going to stay abroad for the remainder of his sports season (until spring 2019) so I thought there was a possibility something could happen when he came back. Any sensible person would have stopped things there given the uncertainty and in hindsight I should have done exactly that, but I guess when you're happy you ignore these things because you want to hold on to what makes you feel good. Anyway, we were both technically single and I knew he was probably keeping his options open (it did used to bother me if I saw him liking girls pictures on Instagram but I couldn’t do anything about that) so I made sure to do the same. I carried on using the dating app, speaking to other guys and I went on three dates with someone else - but the spark wasn't there for us.Then end of Sept/October came around and this guy abroad started to become very distant and our conversations started to fizzle – the time it was taking for him to reply got longer and longer. I knew something was up because he'd kept up constant communication for all of this time, so felt like something had happened for the behaviour change. I jokingly called him out on it once when he didn’t get back to me for four days, thinking ‘this is it, this is when he’s going to say he can’t speak any more’ but instead he responded immediately apologising and saying he’d been insanely busy sorting out visa issues that I knew he was having.We went back to normal after that but sure enough a month later and it started happening again. After a while I started to think he’d lost interest in me. I got fed up with the way he was acting when, after he told me he'd decided to stay abroad for a few more years he ignored my response for two weeks (!), so I decided to say goodbye to him. I wished him well abroad and a Merry Christmas. I thought he'd just turned into a dickhead to be honest and had got too big for his boots, which probably would have made it easier for me to move on.But a few days later I had a very mature and honest message from him in which he opened up to me, apologising for his lack of communication and said that it wasn't because he wasn't interested in me – in fact he thought I was amazing, that we got on really well and that I was good at everything I do. But he admitted that he was struggling with the communication because even though we got on really well, we'd only met once and he couldn't see himself coming home in the foreseeable future. From what I can gather, he was put in the position where he had to decide whether he wanted to stay abroad or cut his time short and return home… and he chose to stay abroad. Because of his decision to stay away longer, he didn't know how we could move forward and thought it was unfair to keep speaking because I couldn't move on if we carried on doing that. He reassured me that it was nothing to do with me and it was just a change or circumstances. I didn’t reply and we’ve not spoken since.Most girls would never get that kind of detailed response and reason for a guy’s behaviour – many just ghost - so on one hand I’m lucky to have that. But I am so, so gutted. I have this immense feeling of disappointment, sadness and a bit of heartbreak knowing that nothing is going to happen between us. I feel like life has been very cruel to make me meet someone abroad who, for most of my life, unknowingly lived around the corner from me. I invested a lot of time into getting to know him – nearly a year (!) but this is why I’m glad I kept my options open and did try dating other guys.I know he's eventually going to meet someone else as he's too much of a catch to not attract the attention of other girls, and it makes me feel sick to think someone else will have him whereas I got so close but it couldn’t work out. The situation was perfect with us having the same friends, same vibe etc. I think he’s the most amazing guy ever. But distance meant it couldn't be. I know I need to move on – I cannot put my life on hold waiting for him to come back to see what happens in the future. I But because I didn’t get to spend much physical time with him, it’s not even as if I can use any of his flaws to help me realise he wasn’t this perfect person I've put on a pedestal. But I simply didn’t see his flaws to know he had any - he could do stupid things like chew with his mouth open, he could be lazy around the house, that kind of thing but I don’t know that and all every one of our mutual friends have said is that he’s a lovely guy and he really believe that, I can’t fault him. I feel like I’m clutching at straws trying to think of things to make me stop liking him. I guess he chose to stay away over me which is a big blow to my self-esteem but I understand that he has a good set-up abroad and he doesn’t know me *that* well to sacrifice it…WhatsApp tells me he’s already changed his number (which I’ll admit I’m a little hurt by. Although this could be for a number of reasons, it’s just coincidental that it’s been changed a few days after this final exchange). I’ve deleted all of our messages and pictures because I know I’ll just keep going back through and looking at them. I’ve unfollowed him on social media (not unfriended him because a. I don’t want to seem that bothered and b. we have mutual friends so I’m going to come across him in the future because he’ll be moving back home where I live once he’s finished abroad).My friends just keep telling me to stay busy but I’m struggling to shake him from my mind. This, coupled with a hard time at work where I’m not really enjoying my job and seasonal depression is making it super hard. One minute I think I’m fine then the next I feel like I’m going to burst into tears. Every time I hear his name come up in conversation I wince and it’s also painful knowing that in a few weeks, he’ll be home for Christmas and I won’t be able to see him. There’s no way he’ll reach out to me (even though I want that I also know it would be bad for me, pouring salt in the wounds). I’m also scared that I will bump into him over the Christmas period and it’s going to hurt seeing him.What else can I do to make myself not feel this way and not be so hung up on my dream guy who I had an almost relationship with? I know I'm a catch myself and I have a lot going for me, but I just feel so low in confidence.Any guidance will be greatly appreciated - thank you.
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at work, christmas, confidence, flirt, move on, period, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2018): This is the first article I wrote just after he dumped me. I have since found a wonderful guy. I wasn't even looking when this beautiful person came into my life. I know what you're thinking now, but read this.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2018): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-give-up-someone-i-know.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-through-the-holidays-after-a.html
I got blindsided and dumped a few years ago. I came here to help others going through the pain. I know how it feels, we all do. If you have time, read these to articles. I hope they will be helpful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2018): I think you need to change your mindset here.If you had been predestined to meet and make a life together then you would have met him some years earlier and all this yes, no, maybe stuff wouldn't be bombarding your brain. You could have been teenage sweethearts and got engaged and married before he started going all out for a career.But just possibly this guy isn't really that into girls.He seems to enjoy playing the field and from what you say he had you firmly in the friend zone.Unfortunately dream guys are just unpleasant dreams as you say.And you have been cautious about moving on.More than twice he has placed you second to what he wants.Perhaps this guy is all about being first in everything.But I think you will see him again but unfriend him if you can because maybe its time he realised that you are not a doll or toy or handy massage kit for the ego.Then you know he will say "Why did you unfriend me?" And you can say "You weren't the friend I thought you were!" etc. So he is amber color on a traffic light system.He's not green or it would be all go.He's not red but he's definitely amber and amber usually turns to red which is stop.So tell him he failed you on the traffic light system and give him something to think about if you ever get the chance.He'll come back one day but he seems to assume that you'll always be on green.I think its time you changed.And you need a guy who starts on green and not on amber!Some guys treat girls like footballs and pass them back and forth and some guys just see girls like cars that you can always upgrade or trade in .In your case you just need to ask yourself if this guy was ever on the same page as you.If he had been he wouldn't have stalled now.But xmas is soon so enjoy any social functions you are invited to with friends and just shrug him off if anyone asks what happened to him.You can always say he went full speed in the opposite direction. And joke about running out of fuel for yourself.But you are a real person.You are not a situation.So stop defining yourself in terms of him and his good qualities.In terms of study topics he could be history.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2018): Geeso he sounds a dream doesn't he but somehow I don't believe he is . He didn't cut communication for your sake ..he did if because the reality is he probably does have some other girl in mind and he was weighing up his options until you called him out on it . Backed into a corner he sends the it isn't you. It's the distances and you can't move on blah. I bet he be in touch when he's home and if ibwefe you is be polite but a cold no
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