A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 26 years and have been having an affair for the last 5. I don't want to hear about what a piece of shit I am, I just want to hear about how I can forget the other man. My marriage was a good one, but my husband has never been very sexual-he can go a month or two without it. He has always been faithful. We have 3 kids. I am considered pretty and keep my body in very good shape. I am and have always been, very sexual but never promiscuous until 5 years ago. The other man is not particularly attractive, he's shorter and 10 years older than me with a record of treating women badly-3 failed marriages, a love child, and his own older children regard him warily. He has a reputation of being a dirty old man and owns a prominent area business. He came on to me like gang busters and made me feel sexy. He is insatiable in bed, and has done things with me I'd only heard about. I'm crazy about him, but I have no interest in marrying him because he has skull and crossbones all over him. He is chronically unfaithful, even to me. I want to regard him as a temporary plaything-I've cut off contact for months at a time...yet he still calls me. He has a real girlfriend now, and she doesn't know he's with me once a week when she works nights. Recently he has become more distant-this is what I really wanted, right? So, I broke it off. 2 weeks later he calls asking "are you still alive?" and we start up again. And now, he is distant again. This is driving me crazy! I asked him over the years if he loved me-I guess for some reason that mattered to me-and he's always said "no, but I'm fond of you." As a joke, I told him I was attracted to men with mustaches-so he suddenly decided to grow one. When I told him I was trying to work on my marriage and that we must stop talking to each other, he turned away and stared out the window. Early on, I'd pretended that my husband had moved out-just to see what the other man would do, and he did nothing.Help me stop answering when he calls. This must end. Why would I give a used car salesman the time of day when I always avoided the bad boy type? Why do I enjoy the idea that he's cheating with me? Why do I think about him constantly? Help me end this -don't tell me why it should end, but tell me how to get through it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEmilyanswers made me laugh-you are right and he is a drug! Well, more like the adrenaline rush was a drug...on some level I recognized that.Liewe, you too are right-I will now see this as a challenge that I can not fail. I am so tired of feeling sleazy.Anonymous, thank you for saying you're sorry I found myself in this situation...I can see that you understand. There is little sympathy for someone like me who did indeed fall into this pool of self-loathing. I'm so grateful to know that I'm not alone-and that there are those who truly understand. We are all only human and even the strongest of us can get weak...sometimes I wonder if my pridefulness-my belief that he wouldn't get me with his obvious pursuit-didn't cause my downfall...Hotpink, thank you. I will be able to forge nerves of steel now. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to tell you that you can do something-and you have helped me .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): How do you ever get over the guilt to make you forget, you have left yourself wide open, you say you had a good marriage but you cheated for 5 long years, you will get over him because going by what you say this other man never loved you anyway and was using you as his play thing, its called self respect and if you have any left that is what will move you on, how can you respect your husband again is a different matter as you have to look at him everyday knowing what you have done, maybe it is time to look at everything you value in life and sort out what is really important to you, your husband does not deserve this and must know something is wrong, he deserve a little respect and that is either you being truefull with him or you moving out if you just want to be USED for sex by a man who will never respect any woman as she should be respected.Men like that are so used to getting there own way they will never stop acting as they do, REAL men love, care and respect us for we are. I think you have a lot more to sort out in your head than just getting over or through an affair. Do you want be used or do you want to feel like a real person. Only you can answer that one. All the best you'll need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation - you really are not alone and my heart goes out to you. I think you're very brave to have come to this conclusion and, since you clearly know what you want to do, I have no doubt that you'll manage to do what has to be done - i.e. sever contact completely and move on.I came out of an affair a few months ago and have been in complete no contact for 3 weeks now. In my case, it was him who took the decision to break it off and work on his marriage, which has been incredibly difficult for me to handle. There was a long phase of limited contact, which made me feel like crap, but now it is completely finished and I'm actually feeling a lot better. There are some similarities: he is 9 years older than me, not amazingly attractive (though once I fell for him the love goggles took hold and I really fancied him) and he did so much chasing at the beginning even though I wasn't that keen, until he totally won me over.I found that he replaced a void in my life - my husband has been living abroad for a couple of years so I don't get to see him often, and with hindsight, I was lonely and he made me feel loved, wanted and excited. The problem, as you've found, is that the feelings are addictive - the more you get them, the more you want, and they spiral out of control. Calling it off is like going cold turkey and as long as you know you can keep going back, it's certain you will. What's worst of all is that the more intense your feelings for the other man, the more your feelings for your real partner fade into the background and are eclipsed by the lust and passion of the affair.From the tone of your email, it sounds like you know exactly what you want to do, and it's a case of finding the strength to follow it through. I know it hasn't been long that I've been in no contact zone, but I know this is really it and I am never going to contact this man again (even though it hurts like hell every day). I have deleted his number and email address, together with all correspondence we've ever had. I have told myself contacting him is just not an option (and now, whenever it crosses my mind, I realise I actually don't want to do it) and that being in touch with him was wrecking my relationship with my husband. I keep a tally of each day I manage no contact and at the end of each month plan to do something nice for myself as a treat. I'm also trying really hard on making things work better with my husband, focusing on the things that were lacking (also he's back from overseas in january, so am concentrating on that). All I can say is good luck - you know that severing contact with this guy is the best thing for you, so I hope you're able to stick to your guns. Just keep yourself distracted and concentrate on the fact that your life will be a lot better and more stable without this guy around. And if your marriage really no longer fulfils you and the gaps can't be fixed, then you'd do better to start fresh and find a man who doesn't have TROUBLE written all over him and who can give you his full and undivided love and attention.Good luck - am sure you can do it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): You know why you should end it so okay, I think you should make a commitment and a promise to yourself that you are worth more then this and that you want to stop this. I think the main thing for you was the adrenalin rush and the excitement around it being a secret. However, I suggest you find something to replace it with. May start a new hobby, something that will excite you. Maybe take up dancing lessons or a new sport, it needs to be something that will excite you. This might help filling the void and replace the excitment and adrenalin rush.
Tell him not to contact you again. If he does make contact there after ignore his attempts. Once you have make that mental commitment to yourself not to continue, stick to your promise to yourself. You need to mentally convince yourself that he is not worth it and that you are strong enough to resist him. I am sure you are and you can.
See this as a challenges and something that you need to do for yourself, not to feel sleezy and miserable with yourself in time to come. Replace this affair with something new and exciting such a a new sport or dancing or something. Start doing that as soon as possible. It will keep your mind occupied and it will give you the adrenalin boost you obvioulsy need.
It might even be a good thing if you can get your husband to join you. It might help to reignite some passion in your marriage and might spice things up a little. Dancing can be lots of fun and is good exercise too.
It will not always be easy but I am sure you will and can be the winner in this situation if you set your mind on it.
Good luck. Keep me posted.
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reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 December 2008):
Don't think of him as a man, think of him as a drug.
You know drugs are bad and that you'll have a 2 day come down for 20 minutes of pure pleasure. You know that they are not worth it and wreck lives.
But you go out and someone offers you a line and you can't resist because you want to lose yourself and be someone else and do something naughty that a good housewife would not do.
This is what this guy has become to you.
So how to kick the habit?
Stop going out to where it will be on offer and tell him in no uncertain terms that it is over and to stop calling. If you really want rid of him then tell him you want to leave your husband and marry him.
This guy has no interest in you other than sex. You can build it up in your mind that him looking out of the window secretly means he loves you when really he was just annoyed that you were going to put some strings into your relationship with him.
Go cold turkey and really try to bring some life back into your husband. Take him out on dinner dates. Do the things you used to do when you first got together. See a film. Have fun. Distract yourself.
Good Luck!! xx
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