A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've just been made redundant from my job and I'm gutted to say the least. I love my work, I love the girls I work with and more than anything I'm worried about money and how I'm going to aupport my family. I do have a partner who works but even though I don't make a huge amount of money I am the main wage earner in our household, I have a daughter to support and my sister (who is still in education) also lives with me. I just feel like everything is falling apart, I know that sounds dramatic when there are so many worse things going on in the world but I'm so worried about how we're going to survive if I can't find work, before this job I spent over a year looking for work! and I'm not the kind of person to sit around at home, I absolutly need the independence of working and having an identity other than just being 'mum'My boyfriend and I are were going to try for another baby next year too and I just can't get my head around the fact that that isn't going to happen now...there's no way I want to bring another child into the world unless I know I have a stable income in order to support him/her no matter how much I want to.I think it's going to come to the point that we will have to have some kind of benefits to help us through this and that's something I really don't want to do. I despise the fact that I cannot provide for my family myself because I'm a fiercly independent person.It just seems that losing my job is having a knock on effect on everything else in my life and my partner doesn't understand, it's so frustrating! He thinks that after having a little cry I should be okay but I'm not. I can't help feeling worried and stressed every single day and I know I'm snapping at him which I hate as we really need to pull together now but I just wish he would get his head out of the clouds and see how difficult this is going to be and try to understand a little of what I'm feeling! I just need to get some perspective on this from someone completely removed from the situation...how do I get out of this slump without letting it have an effect on my relationship aswell??
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your replys, they were all really helpful. I had a proper chat with my partner and I think he understands a bit better now that it's been a real knock to my confidence and that it'll take a while for me to get that back again.
What really helped was you guys pointing out that time out of work doesn't have to be time wasted. I've decided that if I can't find work straight away I'm going to do a university course to keep my mind busy and broaden the type of jobs I can do. Thanks again for your help :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): First of all, it is completely normal to feel like your world is falling apart when you lose your job. It's a massive, horrible shock, and your feelings of consternation, frustration, and fear and completely understandable. You sound like an incredibly responsible person, especially as you're really quite young still - and you clearly are a very caring person.
I am sure that your boyfriend wants to help you, but he's just not understanding what a knock your confidence has taken here. He sounds like a lot of guys - very caring and loving at heart, but a bit clueless about emotions sometimes! Sit him down and explain to him exactly how you feel. Don't accuse him of being unsympathetic, as this is liable to lead to defensiveness and confrontation when what you really need is compassion and understanding. Try to put into words what a big effect this has had on you, and explain that you're finding it difficult to adjust. Tell him that you don't want to seem grumpy and snappy, it's just that you're very upset and frustrated. Make sure your sister understands what you're going through also.
As for how you get out of this: the first and most important thing is not to catastrophize. I know it's a horrible situation, but it could be a lot, lot worse. Every time you feel like the sky is falling in, stop yourself and put a brake on those anxious thoughts racing through your head. Remind yourself of the good things - you are healthy, your family are well, you are blessed with beautiful kids, you have a place to live, you and your boyfriend have each other, and you are very resourceful so there are things you can do to cope (see the excellent financial advice given by the other poster)... So you might not be able to have a baby early next year, but you might be in a better position by the end of the year to try for another child and you're still young, so a short delay in this isn't the end of the world. I know it sounds crazy, but try to see the positives. This time without a job, while frustrating in some ways, provides an opportunity in others - it will give you space to get the house straight, to work out, and to spend a bit more time with your daughter and sister. I'm not saying that you need to accept the way things are - far from it - but you can draw some positive benefits even from this situation.
Try to keep to a timetable each day that allows you to see progress. Use that routine to develop a systematic approach to finding a new job. Otherwise it's very easy to feel like you're lost and drifting. Devote the morning or the afternoon each day to finding jobs using the internet and local media and applying for them. Make appointments - see a careers advisor, get some advice on your CV, and rewrite and rewrite your personal statement. Get help from anyone you can who might be able to have positive and constructive feedback. Start a spreadsheet and keep track of any opportunity that seems worthwhile, with a note of the closing date. Ring temporary employment agencies at least once a week: often in times like this, people employ on short contracts that may become full-time eventually once things settle, and at least keep you in the workplace in the meantime. A job that isn't entirely perfect can sometimes lead to new and surprising things - and will let you look after your family. Keep churning the application forms out at the rate of several a week. If you get rejections (and this is very difficult), try not to take it personally - tell yourself that it's part of the process of finding that perfect job. Maybe even brush up your skills with a class one night a week that will help you enhance your chances.
While this all sounds tough, I think you should remain hopeful. Just because it took you a year to find work before, does not mean it will take that long again. You are now more qualified than you were, with more experience - and that counts for a hell of a lot! Also, you will have more transferable skills - so even if there are not openings in your particular area, you might be able to use your skills to 'fit' a tangential role.
Try to stay focused and positive, but don't beat yourself up if you do find it tough, because it is a very difficult situation to handle. You are doing well just to recognize that you are struggling - so many people would just take it out on their family without any of your self-awareness and drive to change the situation. If the anxiety gets really bad, maybe go and speak to your family doctor about medications that can help you to stay calm through this tough period - and thus to ensure that it has less of an impact on your family also.
You sound brave, articulate, energetic and a real trooper. I have a feeling you will find a job sooner than you think! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (4 November 2010):
Two things that stand out for me here: Firstly, you're not a person to sit around at home and you don't want to bring another child into the world with all this uncertainty.
They both show you have a level head and know what you want, which is a start, because many people lack this which can lead to all sorts of problems.
You are right to feel worried about the future and you are right that you and your partner need to pull together.
But what you cannot allow is for all the worry to take over. This is a set-back yes, but not the end of the world and by all accounts, you have the drive to pull you through.
That is not to say it is going to be easy.
We all want a steady job and an easy life, but it doesn't work like that.
While it may not be the ideal situation, I would recommend getting any job you can just to keep the money coming in. You don't have to like it, but use it as a stop gap while you search for something better.
In the mean time, you need to make cutbacks to make things more affordable.
Draw up a monthly income and expenditure sheet and look at what you need to spend and where you can save, but you need to be brutal.
This could for example be eating out once a fortnight instead of once a week, or buying own-brand supermarket food instead of branded names. It could be cutting out satellite tv subscriptions etc or any luxuries.
As for having another child, just because it isn't going to happen next year, doesn't mean it won't in the future.
It's all short-term pain for long-term gain, but as long as you remain positive and determined to win, you will pull through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): i get the impression you are a very good person, who takes on too much responsibility. And allows others to not pull their weight. You need to create a financial buffer. And your children need to learn to enjoy simpler pleasures - like a long walk at the weekend and home made snacks to take on your long walks. Suggestion 1 to give you breathing space: ask yr partner to get an extra job. Suggestion 2 improve yr CV in preparation for your next job. Everytime we change jobs we improve in confidence. So while it is sad that you've been retrenched you will find that you will be better again in your next job. All your good organisational skills are demonstratable skills, if you implement these changes. To demonstrate your good strategic planning skills and ability to make the right decisions to survive. Suggestion 3: reduce household expenditure: resolve to stop all convenience/takeaway/fast food and make all your meals at home to save money. Take a thermos of a hot drink to work instead of purchased coffees daily. Cut out alcohol - it will save you money and allow a healthier life. Give up cigarettes to save money. Suggestion 4: clean up the house, clear your wardrobe of things you will never wear again and then organise your own Saturday morning Car Boot sale to raise some funds. Suggestion 5 re-examine your budget, there will be areas where you can shave off or cut down on some expenses.
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