A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok im a bit late with my problem but its been on my mind, i feel ive no one to say it too and maybe its time i got some advise from people who dont know us. this is my first year married and i booked the time off work and of course made a point of letting my hubby know in plenty of time that i was taking the time off this year for valentines day.. but my problem is, when it came to valentines day, it came to night and then it came to bed time and i barely got a card from him (to which someone else picked up for him as he didnt have the time) i do love my husband and as it was our first 'valentines day' together, i thought he would have done something special. when i spoke to him about it, he told me if i had time booked off, then why didnt i book or plan something... I just feel that its the man that should plan these things and how do i get him to plan things for us rather than me telling him he should plan these things... hope you understand... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Hi, Im really annoyed today. I've know my husband for the past 4 years and our first wedding anniversary is in a week. I would like it to be special. But knowing my husband i know he will not do or plan anything. I have read all the above post and trust me telling him what u need or would like to do ,i dont think changes much. I just feel like Im nagging him about doing something and it spoils it already. I tell him once he listens, he understands, he agrees and no result. It feels like they live in a world of their own!!I know he loves me to bits does every thing else for me but its just these occasions that you want feel and be a little bit more special. Its the same for any occasion, valentines same old. I'm dreading the first anniversary.Knowing him a as i do, i know its going to be normal and nothing special. Its going to be nice but no whaoo and im really scared of being disappointed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): Hell, i told my husband for 4 weeks that i expected to open something for valentines, or at least a card, I told him over and over, you know, being that he's a guy and can't read my mind. I got nothing. 2 days later when he realized I was hurt by it, I got a card, and all it said was love you, and sorry it was late. I kinda was looking for him to say something a little deeper than that, hell anyone can stand in front of a cardstand and pick one out.So no, telling them what you want is not a guarantee either.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 February 2009):
 Hi, congratulations on your wedding! It's all new and fresh still, isn't it? What fun!
Anyway, I hear your frustration and disappointment that he didn't understand how important this was to you. You gave him plenty of lead time and the best he could do was a card someone else picked out? You must have been sitting there all evening steaming!!!
(Sorry, guys, this is girl-to-girl talk here, so avert your eyes.)
Okay, I'm going to tell you something that will save you a lot of heartbreak and sorrow over the years. Most men aren't intrinsically romantic in the way a woman expects. They are not mind readers and very few have much imagination or creativity when it comes to this kind of thing. This does not mean that they don't have their good points, of course (that's one to keep the men at bay). And it does not mean that they can't be trained to do what it is that you require to make you feel loved and wanted and appreciated.
In my experience, if a man loves you and wants to make you happy, he will take direction very well. Now this doesn't sound very romantic, that you have to tell him how to be romantic, but trust me, if you do this right, he will more than meet your expectations.
And this is the crux of the problem: expectations. You had expectations, he had expectations. They just didn't coincide on the day. You made the classic mistake of assuming he knew what was going on your head. More bad news: he won't know unless you tell him. Sorry for blowing romance right out of the water, but there it is.
Okay? So we've established that they need direction and have no clue how to read your mind. What to do about it?
I'm afraid there's nothing else you can do but just spell it out for him. Yes, I know, he should figure this out for himself, but if you do this right this year, he will respond like a champion next year.
So you can tell him what you expect this year, but you'll need to repeat yourself next year. So most men find that Valentine's day is nothing more than a commercial holiday, a manufactured holiday designed to part men from their hard-earned cash for silly things like cards, flowers and chocolates. Oh and meals too. It irritates them that they are expected to behave like Romeos on this day and that they are scolded if they don't toe the line like the rest of the world. I mean, we've even got other cultures like the Japanese having absorbed this day into their calendar. Amazing! They feel silly doing the expected things and figure that you know they love you, why does he have to get all ooey-gooey about it on this day. They show you they love you in so many ways. They look after the car, the yard, the maintenance of the house, the plumbing. They kill the spiders (or catch and release them if you're squeamish about killing), they go and check the noise downstairs in the middle of the night. They hold your hand during weddings, they cuddle you when you are frightened at the cinema, they spend a fortune on deodorant and cologne hoping that you'll like their scent. They look to you for appreciation when they do something difficult extremely well. They want to make you happy, they really really do. They just need some guidance.
Your husband loves you to bits, okay? He wouldn't have married you if he didn't. Keep that at the front of your mind right now.
So this year, he didn't hit it right. So you have to tell him. "Honey, I know this was silly of me not to tell you right off the bat, but I was hoping that you would remember that Valentine's day is a special holiday for me and that you would make some romantic plans for us. So I have to tell you that I was very disappointed that I only got a card. But I've been doing some thinking about this, and I realize that I'm actually the one to blame here. I mean, I should have asked you to book things, to make the plans, as a special favor to me, as a way to show that you do love me. See, I know that you love me, it's just that we women need some of the mushy stuff to keep us purring along. Valentine's day is one of the required holidays for me, I have to tell you. So please forgive me if I was snippy or angry about how the day turned out, but I have come to realize that I didn't tell you what I was expecting. And that you have no way of knowing what I'm expecting unless I tell you. So there, I've just told you. And maybe I'll remind you for next year, so that you treat Valentine's day as the special holiday as I do." Then you have to go on and tell him that you've noticed the specific ways he's demonstrated his love over the last month or so. Tell him you appreciate the things he's done for the two of you (list as many as you can come up with). Basically, you are making him feel loved and appreciated, so that next year, he'll remember that you need this Valentine's hoohah to feel loved and cherished.
Okay? So please don't be angry with him; he didn't know. He really didn't. You have to tell him in a way that will make him want to go along with the program next year.
And now, take a few minutes to think about what expectations he might have of you, that you haven't worked out because he hasn't told you. Then go jump his bones in the shower. ;)
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Valentines means nothing to us guy's, valentines doesn't come naturaly to us at all, it's essentially a woman's holiday with romance movies on tv and special offers on flowers and chocolate in shops. It is to men what the champions league final is to women.
I know you did drop a hint but it was obviously not enough, why do you not want to plan things?
Let him know how disappointed you are and why, tell him you'd like it if he organized a special romantic evening/weekend for the two of you and to pull out all the stops and that you'd like it to be a surprize.
I surprize my girlfriend in valentines week with a special night and we do nothing for valentines. Valentines is just so obvious, there's no surprize, plus everywhere nice is booked solid, the whole city is filled with smoochy couples, desperate singles and gypsy rose sellers. Neither of us find that romantic. So I pick a different night and we do something special.
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