A
female
age
51-59,
*urtforyears
writes:my husband loves me dearly but will not stop looking at porn, but will not look at me. what do i do? weve been married for 17 years.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): I don't think there's any point competing with porn. No real person could be as always-available, good looking, kinky and disturbed as those people. So setting off of that path just seems to be as silly as dieting to look like the airbrushed models in Cosmo.It seems to me that the approach which would work is to change the game. But I have no idea how to do that. The following are some thoughts, but you might want to put in a fair bit of thought yourself before trying them. Please let us know how it works out.You could discuss that it is hurts you.You could discuss the politics. It seems to me that modern porn is very exploitative of the vast majority of its actresses.You could change your lifestyle. In what life is hours spent looking at photos of women a life well spent? And just like crime on TV, sex on porn has very little to do with real life crime or sex.A discussion of why? Some of it you obviously can't do anything about -- the themes of degradation in porn aren't something most people want in their relationships. But perhaps there are issues where the two of you can change to accommodate the other. Many older men are very frustrated by the low frequency of sex.You could try bribery. No porn, sex four nights a week. Maybe this one is less thought through. Although maybe an answer is to trump fantasy with reality, without buying into an arms race with the pornographers.Sorry that this isn't a more useful answer.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): You need to transition him... work porn into your play with him, sit with him as you surf together, play with him talk to him, play with yourself... Maybe he just wants some excitement and can't bring himself to ask.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 It's a "he loves you but not in love with you" kind of thing. Think about precisely at what point did he stop looking at you. Are you satisfied in bed? Is he confident about his sexual abilities? I believe you need to ask us because when you talk to him he just shuts down. There are various factors that created the emotional disconnection all these years. Try not to chastize him. Instead, ask him nicely if he could do you a special favor. He can't refuse if he says he loves you. It's possible to rekindle that passion even if big mistakes had been made.
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