A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a wonderful guy for about 2 months now. He is kind, considerate, sweet and very supportive. He plans fun dates for us is stable, dependable and always checks in on me. I've been in some rough past relationships, and I still feel a tad scarred from my last one even though it was a year ago. He was emotionally abusive. This has caused me to feel very insecure. I'm always afraid to be too this or that or to bother the guy. I'm afraid to get too attached or excited and miss red flags so sometimes I overthink and worry excessively. I'm so used to guys getting over me without me knowing it, so I'm always afraid he'll lose interest or be upset without telling me. Our personalities are very different. I could talk to a brick wall and he can be very shy. Because he's so nice, I'm afraid if he is getting sick of me or bored but wouldn't tell me. When I tell him this, he always reassures me and tells me that he's a really content easy going person and will tell me if he's upset. I also worry, is he boring because he's so quiet? Do we talk about enough? He has chimed in on things he wants to do and has been open about events he doesn't want to do and how things are with friends/work. I want to make sure we keep communication open (he texts me daily and we go on dates 3-4 times a week). I've been burned so hard before that I'm trying to be careful and remain grounded. But I always worry if everything is ok. Any advice about not worrying and getting a quiet guy to open up?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 November 2016):
 I get that you have had bad experiences before, but... YOU really need to let those go.
After all, you picked a guy who is VERY different from the others. So GIVE him the benefit of the doubt.
Have clean slate with him. HE deserves that.
Let's say his ex-gf cheated on him, do you think it would be OK that he was accusing you of cheating because his ex-gf did so? NO - so don't do that to others.
NO ONE who LIVE life walks through life without getting hurt or hurt someone else. NO ONE. There is no "distinction" for having been hurt.
Think of life as a series of lessons. Even if an event/episode hurt you, you can LEARN from it.
Him being a quiet sort doesn't mean he isn't into you. Just let him GO slow and open up at HIS pace.
Being with someone who CONSTANTLY needs reassuring or attention CAN be draining, especially of he is a more introvert kind of person. You will push him away with your self-doubt and insecurities.
FOCUS more on spending time together than how often you text. Spending time together IN PERSON helps create a better bond. And honestly? If he got "tired" of you, it would be MUCH easier to see in person than on a text and if he JUST REALLY likes you (which I think is the case) THAT is also easier to see and feel in person.
You might doubt yourself a bit, but it's UNFAIR to project all those insecurities onto him.
There ARE no guarantees that this will work out for you two. OR the next guy. Or the one after him. All you CAN do is learn to relax and ENJOY being with someone you care for and who cares for you in return.
LEAVE the past in the PAST - and the guys FROM the past IN the past.
LIVE in the here and now.
Learn to chill and cut down on trying to analyze everything.
Relax.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (9 November 2016):
 "Any advice about not worrying and getting a quiet guy to open up?"
First...You are the one that needs to open up, not him. He is right where he needs to be for someone that is so insecure. If he was more out going, it would scare you even more, that he may find someone else fast.
You need to open up and let him in. Can you get hurt again...of course...not matter how careful you are. The point is...did you learn. Break ups are life lessons. Learning what kind of man you want in your life, and the ones you don't.
Everything you want in life starts with you. If you want him to open up, you must first open up. When he sees your confidence, he will be more confident to open up.
You cannot change people...But you can teach them how to be by first changing yourself.
As for worrying...Has it solved any of your issues??? So why do it? Worrying leads to more worrying. It robs you of your happiness, and makes your life miserable. Can you live a bit longer by worrying about it? So why let it into your life at all?
You have a good guy, then enjoy him, and enjoy your life. We are only here for short time. So stop worrying and start living.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2016): How much does a guy have to say to let you know he's okay with you?
Seriously?!!
You have to grow-up and stop judging everyone by the ass-hats you foolishly chose in the past. If you are blessed with someone who treats you good, WTF does your past relationships have to do with the present?
When do people grow-up and thank God that they have someone who makes them happy and makes them feel good? Why do people have to write-up a contract detailing all they will say and do to correct all your past failures and disappointments? I mean really?
I got dumped. A new guy came into my life and all he has done is show me love, respect, trust, and patience. He excuses my faults, laughs at my peculiarities, and he's always himself in-front of me and my friends. WTF more can you ask from anyone? Please tell me.
Maybe he will lose interest me. So far he hasn't. So you and I must be thankful what we have now until that day.
Stop worrying what might happen or what will be, and appreciate what is. I am so happy someone loves me with all my faults and imperfections. I give him exactly what he gives me. So you if you're doing that, what should you have to worry about, girlfriend?
We cannot predict the future. So if we treat the people we love good in the present and let them know we trust them; they will be more likely to repay us with the same. Who can say whether or not things may change? Girlfriend, love him now and appreciate what you have.
In another post, I reminded an OP to stop faulting the person they are with for all the bullsh^t they had in the past. Don't forget they have to put-up with crap out of you as well. You're not perfect, and could hurt him too. Women always act like they are the only one in a relationship who can get hurt. What about your insecurities that he has to accept in order to be with you?
Boo hoo, someone hurt me! Well, he might have been hurt too, but he has given you a chance. Grow-up and be a woman. You're not a little girl anymore. Yes, you might get hurt. Welcome to adulthood!
Stop being so freaking conscious of everything that is going on, and just enjoy being with him. I might be wasting my advice, because most of the Op's posting to DC are very young and looking for perfect relationships. There is no such thing. The more mature and sensible you are, the better off your relationship will go.
He's quiet? So? Then who is he with right now? Why do you think he chose you? If he wasn't happy, don't you think he'd find a way to be with someone else? Did he tell you he's not happy with you?
Stop being careful and just be you. That's what he wants.
Stop looking for everything to be perfect; because there is no such thing.
You have someone who cares about you. For goodness sake, is that not enough? Give him some trust for crying out loud. Love comes with risk. Even if you get hurt, you can't get anything back if you don't give anything to earn it.
What's up with you young people? You might get hurt, but you might hurt somebody else too. Hey, you'll never know if you don't go for it.
You have a guy who cares for you now. If you see some red-flags indicating he's a piece of sh^t, then be a woman and deal with it based on the evidence. Stop worrying about about what could happen; or your childish nonsense might be the reason. All relationships have problems. You have to be grown-up enough to face them and work them out together.
You might like what other people say better than what I have to say. My advice is based on what I have been through, shared with others, and has worked for us all.
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