A
female
age
36-40,
*izzy3125
writes:How to gain my bf's trust on me again?I been together with my bf for almost 3 years, he has always been the jealous type. But he recently found out that just before we stated to go out I had a started texting a married guy who is a player and straight out told me he wanted an affair with me and we never had sex all we did was talk on the phone and by texts, but the problem was that I was stupid enough to send him some inappropriate pictures semi nude of me and he did the same.So now my bf knows all that and says he doesn't trust me and thinks of me in a different way doubting of me thinking i will eventually cheat on him or that I'm a hoe because i send those pics. He has told me he wants our relationship to work he wants to trust on me again and he wants me to earn that trust by showing him im not going to cheat on him and that i am not that type of girl. I go to collage and he gets mad every time he drops me off because he says i look to pretty or that i don't show him i wont cheat on him. So please help me how to show him he can trust me that i wont do anything stupid he wants me to be able to prove him that with actions so how can i do that i love him so much and i don't want to lose him because is unfair to lose him for something that didn't happen and that is not happening he means the whole world to me me and all he ask is to show him that to not give him reasons to doubt me but how? Please help. Don't tell me not to be with someone who doesn't trust me please give me advice to gain his trust back how can i prove to him that i would never do anything like that again.
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female
reader, lizzy3125 +, writes (21 October 2013):
lizzy3125 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your advices I am really considering on breaking up with him, I have been giving me time for myself and been a little distant wich seem to not bother him at all because he hast even call to see me because i was the one always chancing and doing everything for this relatioship. I have realized he is a controling man and no matter what I do he would always find a reason to blame it on me so who needs a guy who thinks you dont serve his love because he cant ever trust u even when he says he loves you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): Tell your boyfriend where to go. If you are going to talk about your pasts i am sure he has some pretty scary skeletons hiding in his closet. You do not have to prove anything to him.Remember trust is earned and not given freely. You don't have to prove anything to him about being faithful. Just tell him to keep his pants zippered up and you will keep your legs and mouth shut. And if he cant buy that it is time to say goodbye. It is the 21st century, you might still have a neanderthal man hanging around, just send him back to his cave where he came from. This is utterly ridiculous. Dont prove anything with him or for him. Actions by both of you will show each of your true colors. Move ahead.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 October 2013):
 I asked that question about the eggshells because I think you have found yourself in a relationship that is abusive.
Ask what he expects to see, step by step. If he says he doesn't know, that it's up to you to figure out, then he's controlling you through emotional blackmail.
I would simply stop trying to "prove" anything. "Babe, either you are with me or you are not. I will not cheat. The fact you think I may is YOUR problem now. I am comfortable with myself and my inner strength. The proof will play out over time. So you can back off on the threats and intimidation and making me feel bad for something I did years ago, before I even knew you."
The thing you wrote about him, "he has always been the jealous type," to me is code for he is an insecure guy with a control issue and he needs to get over it.
Do me a favor, take this quiz and come back and tell us your results:
http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quizzes/misc-tests/relationship-test/
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 October 2013):
 Ask him to spell it out, EXACTLY what does he expect you to do to show him your faithfulness? Get him to be specific, and then you can decide if it's something you are willing to do. If he can't tell you specifically then I fear you'll always going to be walking on those egg shells, Honey.
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female
reader, lizzy3125 +, writes (10 October 2013):
lizzy3125 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I am walking in eggshells every time im with him.
That is what i tell him to give me more time to prove Im faithful but he says he wants to be able to see it, to show him I am trying to prove it to him thats is where idk what to do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): First let us review this comment:"he has always been the jealous type."This was something you've always known about your boyfriend.Now you know the depth of his insecurity. Just how jealous he can be. He is upset over an incident that happened before he was even in your life. Yet you warn aunts what not to tell you? If you ask for advice, be open-minded and receptive.It is wise to have a good perspective on the problem, in order to deal with it. Even if that means being told what you don't want to hear.Tisha-1 and eyeswideopen nailed it. You can't get past either of those responses without facing the truth in what they've said.I will add that jealousy is triggered not only by what you have done; but what you "might" do. His insecurity is a personal problem. He apparently had issues prior to knowing about that incident with the married guy. It's any guy, for any reason. He has a possessive nature. He now thinks he has reason to control you; because he doesn't believe you can control yourself.Oh, staying truthful, faithful, and committed will certainlyregain trust. Under normal circumstances.However; jealous people have trust issues. Rather true or imagined. How can you promise you will "never ever never"cheat? That other guys will never appreciate your beauty,and you will never look in another guy's direction? How many details do you have about your boyfriend's past, and how faithful he is to you?Jealous people require absurd and impossible reassurance beyond human capacity. They want your focus entirely on keeping them comfortable by proving you are immune to the charms of other people. You must be calloused to any attraction to anyone, but them. If a good-looking guy notices you. It will be declared your fault for looking too good; or accused of doing something to draw attention to yourself. Every unfamiliar guy you talk to, will draw his suspicion.Is that even possible? Can you control what is in the minds and hearts of other men; when they look at you? You will get the blame for being attractive to them. That's how jealousy works. It will cause irrational behavior, if taken to the extreme. We all get jealous. We're not all the "jealous type." That's beyond normal limitations.You're probably on pins and needles in public, when he's with you.This is the emotional burden placed on you for an indefinite amount of time. Unless he works on his jealous-nature. Both of you have work to do. Not just you, him as well. You are not his property. What is the point of being faithful, if you're being blamed for your past? If you're held accountable for what you might do; even if there is no possibility you'll do it again?So the remedy is: "You could lock yourself up in a room and never speak to anyone ever again." as Tisha-1 says.You can't prove you won't cheat.It will take him time to get past the fact some married guy has intimate pics of his woman. That is understandable. Why the evidence was still around for him to find out is weird.He must snoop through your phone messages and e-mails.You have a big job on your hands. In order for your mission to regain his trust to be successful; you will have to be sure he has the capacity to trust anyone in the first place. So have a talk and let him know how important it is that you have his trust. You also have to make sure he has realistic expectations, and if he can ever trust you again (if he ever has). You can't erase the past. Obviously!Otherwise; he will psychologically manipulate, judge, and emotionally incarcerate you for a past mistake. He will take constant preventive measures that will make life miserable for you. You deserve to know your effort isn't made in total futility.Insecurity kills relationships. You are only human. No one is asking you to leave him. If his jealousy is more than you can handle, he will force you to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): I....I don't see that you did anything wrong. You sent some boobie pics to a man BEFORE you and your boyfriend were together. You didn't cheat on him. While it's obviously unwise to carry on like that with a married man, it seems like you know that now. And it's not the most morally bankrupt thing anyone has ever done. I held hands with a married man who was going through a divorce. Turns out they called off the divorce, and are now very happy. I felt a little "ho"-y, but got over it. And--damn it-- I'm not allowed to say the one thing that I really want to say. Which is that if this were a healthy relationship, your boyfriend wouldn't be acting this way. Personally, I would give him a verbal slap upside the head, saying something like, "Was it a little stupid that I sent those pictures to a married man? Yes, it was. But I'm not that kind of person at core, and if you don't recognize that about me, I don't care to think what else you don't recognize. If you think I'm that kind of girl, why do you want to be with me? And I'm not going to try to look unappealing every day for your sake, because that sounds dangerously like control and abuse." If he goes apeshit upon hearing the truth....well, you should do that thing that you asked us not to advise you to do. But only telling him that he's being an asshole will wise him up to that fact. If you go around all groveling, whining, repentant, it will just justify his mean and controlling behavior, and frankly, I think he will have less respect for you. No one will stand up for yourself but YOU. As a note, my boyfriend actually loves it when I call him on his crap. He starts laughing hysterically and then tells me how much he loves me. Something to do with not being in a relationship with a doormat. Oh, and look as pretty as you damn well want to. You are not a ho because you did something sexual once with some guy.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 October 2013):
You could lock yourself up in a room and never speak to anyone ever again. That should do it.
As EWO points out, the only 'proof' of being faithful will be with time.
Are you walking on eggshells with him?
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (10 October 2013):
 "please give me advice to gain his trust back how can i prove to him that i would never do anything like that again." we live in an instant society today. we have microwave cooking , drive thru meals, instant banking. we want everything instant, but i am afraid the answer you are looking for will take time. it will take time to gain his trust back, it will not be over night. he will be checking up on you, making sure your stories match,ect. once trust is broken with someone you love it takes time. what can you do on your part? be honest with your boyfriend, don't hide anything, break off any and all communication with the other guy. be open with your B/F. you may not have had an affair with the other guy , but it was emotional affair. enough to send photos , and open up enough to each other to text, and phone calls. your boyfriend that he is the most important guy in your life. that no one else can hold a candle to your heart. he needs to see that he is the one, and nobody else could ever be in the picture. the big thing that is bugging him is now he worries about the future, he wonders in the back of his mind would she ever do this again? it will take time to gain trust back. i hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 October 2013):
The only way to prove you won't do something is by not doing it. Behavior over time is your only proof.
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