A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all.I am in need of advice. I have looked up numberous articles but the advice is very generalized and not very helpful.How do you forgive someone that has betrayed your trust? I have been with my partner for almost 5 years and we have a family. We have had trust issues in the past, but worked through them. Everything became better, wonderful infact. But I found out he watched two porn videoes and my trust in him has deminished extremely.We have had trust issues before along the lines of him talking to other women sexually and viewing nude pictures of the women he was talking to. It went on over a period of 3years. We even broke up and separated a few months. When we were able to rekindle things and resolved our trust issues, realized we still loved eachother and wanted to have our family back together we agreed that niether of us would look at any nude photos or vids of anyone, including porn as well as put boundries up for an apporpriate relationship with members of the opposite sex. When I confronted him he was honest but I am having. A difficult time moving on from it. When we are with each other I want to be with him and think I can forgive him but when we aren't ex: I'm at work or home when he's at work ect. That's when I start to think it won't work and I'm too broken to forgive even a small issue such as this.I want to forgive him but really need help to. I feel like after everything else that this is like the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. How can I forgive this so we can move on from this? I love him with all of my heart I just dont want to keep forgiving and living with these issues if they sre going to be repeated time after time because it just cuts a little deeper each time. Thank you for reading and for any solutions you may have.
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at work, broke up, move on, nude pictures, period, porn Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): If it bothers you it bothers you, it doesn't matter how nice your spouse is some people hate porn use in a relationship. My ex looked at porn and it destroyed me, I still can't believe it now even though it was ages ago. I just didn't take notice of what he said anymore when he tried to compliment me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Most men including happily married men look at porn to varying degrees. My hb of 19 years views porn almost daily at times. I used to be upset at it now I just don't care. It simply is not a big deal in the grand scheme. He is a loving and considerate partner. He is responsible and I can count on him to have my back. He frequently compliments me and does little romantic things. What does it matter that he also likes to watch porn? The answer is, it doesn't matter anymore than he likes football. I.e. if he was obsessed with it to the point he was treating me different or putting it above me then its a problem whether its porn or football. Otherwise it does not affect me so why should I focus on it to the exclusion of all he does that's wonderful? It would make no sense. Plus I don't mind viewing it myself either. My appetite for it isn't as big as his but I can see how its separate from how you feel about your spouse whereas many women like you think it has everything to do with how he feels about you.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 December 2012):
 I think you need to explore his reasons for looking at porn, together if possible. There are some reasons why men do this:
1) There is a lack of intimacy in the marriage. This could be emotional or physical. Perhaps he feels inhibited in the bedroom and acts out his fantasies by using porn, instead of with you.
2) Your sex drives don't match. Perhaps he is horny more often than you and you turn him down. Men will resort to pornography when they need to find relief and their partner turns them down. Please take stock of the number of times you have sex with one another per month... if you can count the number of times on one hand, your husband probably has solid reasons for seeking out online entertainment.
3) I'll be honest, Men's Health magazine did a survey a few months ago. 60% of married men view pornography at least once a week. As disgusting as that sounds, it does mean that what you are dealing with isn't an oddity. Guys are naturally curious and attracted to variety and images. It doesn't mean we don't love our mates, we are just wired that way. What concerns me, though, is he is interacting with these women. The fact that he is taking this to a personal level means that there is something else wrong here.
I do suggest that you talk with one another, openly and honestly, about why he is seeking out other women. Is he happy with your bedroom life? Are there things that you aren't doing he would like to try? Is the quantity enough? Instead of forcing him into a corner by him promising not to view pornography and not dealing with the root issue, you force him to lie and your marriage winds up suffering. At worst, your husband, if he feels deprived, may seek out a real mate instead of the virtual ones.
I do agree with some of the others in that professional counseling may be in order.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (7 December 2012):
 I would agree with the advice concerning the professional councelling.
I can see that you both love eachother or else you wouldn't have tried to get it to work again and I personally would have said that porn was not a deal breaker - BUT! The fact that it was an agreement that you made prior to reconciling, that he not watch porn, this is the issue and has broken the trust.
I would most certainly seek out professional help if he is willing to attend. It might be the last step needed to put you back to where you both need to be!
Best of wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): Probably best if you go for professional couple's counselling OP. He broke one of the primary conditions of your trust, it's going to take time to build that all up again and even then it may never come back.
OP the fact you don't think it's forgiveable when you're not around him is a bad sign, it means when you have time and space to think logically you don't want this anymore. The only thing keeping you there is the physical love you feel for him when he's standing there in front of you.
Go get professional help to work through this, you've fought long and hard to keep this alive and really another long hard struggle to fix this without help may break this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): My boyfriend watches porn all the time we've been together for four years now and have a family as well. At first it used to bother me but I tried to accept it.. I asked if we could watch it together and it actually helped a lot. I don't think porn is a issue. The part where you said he's talking to other girls and looking at naked pictures of them I would not tolerate at all. Looking at porn stars are one thing but talking to a girl on a regular basis and seeing pictures of her naked would automatically raise a red flag in my book. I would make a compromise with him. Working on a relationship is very difficult but if you love him and want to be with him it's definitely worth trying to save. I would tell him not to look at other women naked if he communicates with them that's crossing the line. But I've learned porn is harmless and at least he's not cheating. Guys are just sexual all the time they think about it constantly unlike us. I hope I helped a little..
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