A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel confused over what is the best thing to do in regards to my daughter's relationship with her dad.Although he is a good dad when he is there, he has been in and out of her life so much ever since she was born, I'm worried she will grow up to hate him, me or us both. Her dad wasn't around until she was 7 months old. We were young and he had no interest in being a dad. I made the decision to have her and I made the decision not to take the morning after pill. I was on the pill but due to an illness I stopped taking it for a few weeks and I never completed a full month before we started having sex without a condom. It only happened twice but I understand I am the one to blame and I never made him feel like it was his.When he broke up with me, I just got on with it. I managed as well as a 18 year old single mum could and when he rang asking to meet our daughter I was over the moon. For the first year he was there all the time, he really took an interest in her life but then he just stopped.At first we rowed about it and I told him he would never see her again. I was angry but I never meant it. A few months passed and he began coming round again. This time he had a new girlfriend who I really got on with and we built a friendship as well.When they broke up he stopped coming around as much. He would call a few times a week but she was lucky if he saw her once a month.Again, I just went with it.Over the next few months I was offered a transfer at work, it was an hour away from where we lived at the time but the hours were better, rent was less money and I had family around the area so I didn't need to rely on child care as much, saving money. At first my ex was OK with this and then he began to get angry when we actually moved saying he wouldn't be able to see his daughter as much as he wanted. I had to laugh at this as he had seen her 4 times over a six month period and for around 8 hours in all that time.It was then agreed he would have her for the weekend I was on shift rather then the twice a week he had been seeing her. That lasted 7 weeks, and he changed his job and had to work nights meaning he "didn't want" her on his only days off.At this point I stopped allowing him to see her and he never really came over to ask anyway.Fast forward 2 years, my daughter is now 5 and sees her father every Saturday with my ex's new partner. She has two children from a previous relationship and my daughter really enjoys spending time with the older girls. Things seem pretty good at the moment but I'm confused as to whether I should allow his visits to go up from a Saturday afternoon to a full weekend and weeks in the holidays as he is requesting due to his previous actions. This has been the arrangement for almost a year and it works. My daughter is old enough to notice if he leaves again and I don't want her to feel unwanted. My boyfriend is a brilliant father figure for her but I understand she needs her own dad. Any advice to stop all theses worries? My boyfriend thinks I should explain to my daughter if he leaves that it's not her fault but I don't want to have see her hurt.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 November 2015):
 I'd say try it. Don't make it a routine until you feel it's working. And I would make sure the new GF is on board with it as I'm BETTING she is the one doing the MAJORITY of the interactions with YOUR daughter, not him.
You BF sounds pretty immature and clueless as for what it takes to have a child. He is only as "mature" as whomever he is dating. So at the moment he is dating a mom, so he is trying his best to be "mature", that spills over into his interactions with your daughter.
As for what to tell your daughter IF your ex messes up again? I wouldn't go into long explanations. And I would focus on the "being loved" mote than on him not being there. And I wouldn't go into ANY explanations until it actually happens. No need for now.
Little kids are smart, they understand a lot - but they don't always understand adult behavior. Such as him be somewhat of a selfish immature person. It's like telling a kid - the car can't drive because one of the tires are flat, no air in it - versus - explaining that the tire ran over a sharp rock and the rock cut a hole in the tire.... etc.. You get my meaning?
And who knows maybe dating a girl with a child will help him see that HE needs to step up, PERMANENTLY. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
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