A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a tricky situation and would really like some advice. I'm a 26 year old lesbian but I'm married to a man and have one child. When I met my husband, I really did fall head over heels in love with him, despite having known I am gay for several years (although not 'out'). Initially, our relationship was fantastic; I have never felt so comfortable with someone in my life! I have shared everything about myself with him; I even 'came out' to him not long into our relationship. He has had a traumatic life, but has always had a healthy attitude towards his past. About a year and a half ago however, he lost his job (coinciding with the birth of our child) and his behaviour has become selfish, wreck less and abusive. I know that the environment is not good for me or my child and, quite frankly, I do not trust him, or fancy him anymore. I have tried to leave (despite having nowhere to go) and every time I do, he threatens me physically (although has never hit me and I feel I should stress has never threatened our child) and showers me with verbal abuse, particularly homophobia, which crushes me emotionally (for example that I have no right to my child and that I am disgusting/unnatural etc). He abuses substances (I believe as a means of self medication for depression, although this is yet to be diagnosed) and although there are still glimmers of the man I met, most of the time, even when he is not being abusive, he is no company whatsoever. To make matters worse, I am now utterly sexually frustrated and desperate to 'come out' and am constantly irritable towards him as a result. I know that this has to end, but neither of us have any money (we just about make ends meet), or anywhere to go. I own everything in the home and am the main bill payer (and have been for some time), but his name is on the tenancy agreement and although he has taken steps to make me a joint tenant (and therefore give me a legal right to remain in the property if he were to leave) he has said he will not leave, and will not put me on the tenancy if I ask him to do so. To add a further complication, he has nothing outside of me and his child, so if I were to leave, or indeed if he were to leave, he would have nothing and I know it would destroy him. Although I have no romantic attachment to him anymore, I care deeply for him and I couldn't bear see him lose everything, especially since it would be the second time in his life. Please help me; I know I have to end this, but I cannot bear the thought of ruining his life completely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I am sure I am not bisexual. Firstly as bisexual implies equal attraction to both sexes and, other than my husband, I am exclusively attracted to women. Secondly I would like to add that 'bisexual' and 'lesbian' are merely for identification purposes, and I feel more comfortable identifying as 'lesbian'; it suits the way I feel with regards to my sexuality. I just wanted to clarify that.
In response to your answer to my question, I know I need to get out of the relationship, but I also know that he has had an extremely difficult life and that when he is not using, he is a wonderful man and he deserves the chance to be that again. I have lost everything myself in the past and was completely deserted as a result; it was one hell of a struggle to get to the position I am in today and I would never inflict that upon another person. If I leave on the grounds of abuse and drug misuse, he will be given only supervised access to his child and I know that would destroy him completely and, as I said in my question, he has never been abusive to my child, in fact he is a good father and adores our son. If he was ever abusive to my son, I would call the police and that would be that. Now I have had more time to think about it, I have some ideas for a solution myself, such as trying to get him to get some help. I am sure that when he is sober, he will understand why we cannot be together and will have more of a future than if I throw him out into the cold with nothing and no hope of any help. I am not making excuses for him, but I know that drug addiction is an illness and I will not leave him when he is unwell. I would love to know what people think of that idea, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
A
female
reader, LLindy87  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 well it wouldn't be surprising if you ended it...considering you don't like men. But how did you fall for a guy if you don't like guys? are you sure you're not bisexual? just a side comment.
anyhow, if he is verbally abusing you, you need to get out of that environment, for you but MOSTLY for your baby. Its not about you and him anymore, its about your child. plain and simple. you are not responsible for anyone elses feelings, he's a big boy and will be able to cope with you breaking up with him. yeah, he might get mad and be cautious...cuz he proably will be pissed as all hell, but you need to think about yourself and your child.
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