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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: How do I end a relationship with nice girl in the least hurtful way?I have been in a relationship with a girl for some months now but I want to end It. There are 2 issues that complicate this. 1) Ive developed feeling for another girl, she has told me she has the same and I would like to be with her (i know it's horrible and selfish sadly) and I want to end my current relationship before things escalate beyond an emotional level.2) She (gf) has self harmed before and told me she has attempted suicide in the past. This has bothered me for ages and always wondered how free I am to break up should I ever want to .It's not that she's a bad person or that she doesn't mean anything to me, its just that people change over time and what I want out of life is different to when we got together. Anyone got any suggestions? Ive never ended a serious relationship before. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): One other critical point I forgot to add to your posting. It's in regard to your gf's emotional problems. I am not sure she will do this but if she threatens to hurt herself to keep you with her, you must be strong and let her know you will not take responsibility in that and will not let her manipulate you with threats, real or not. As I suggested before, please have someone come and stay with her after you have spoken to her. And please, do alert her family to her problems and her prior history of self-harm, etc. They probably know about this, but they need to know what has happened so hopefully, if she does take it hard they can give her support and be persuaded her to get the professional help she needs. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Normally, I would tell you it's of critical importance that you remember two things when breaking up someone is to be kind to yourself and be kind to your gf and that breaking up is a very normal thing, with young folks. Still be this way but your gf has problems and is very emotionally fragile. A great deal of care and planning should be thought about, before you break it off with her. Can you tell her Mom and Dad, a close sibling of hers, good friends, who can be there to support her? Once you do that, then realize that, extending compassion to your girlfriend through this break up will help you both immensely in the healing process. Breaking up is rarely easy. It's so important to do it maturely, without deliberate pain and from your posting, it's clear you respect her and want to do this, in the best way. A message you need to get acroos to her is: A relationship needs two fully committed people, so if one of you doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, it's only fair to her and best for both of you, that it ends. That's the key message to get across. Never get into any blame-finding or fault-finding. There is always fault on both sides in a relationship that fails. Do this face to face. Never break up over the phone or via email, that's completely unfair. A relationship is based on trusworthinesst and dependability-don't prove you're unworthy of that in the final hour. Sit down and explain it's not going to work. If your partner has questions, answer them as fairly as you can, but without going into lots of negativity or back-stabbing. Remember, breaking up isn't about finding fault. It's about you both being able to find "closure" to this relationship so you are able to then move on to a new one. The sooner you do it...the sooner she can heal from this and move on with her life. Good luck to you both and I wish you both well.
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female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 It's never easy to end a relationship, whether is has been a good one or a bad one. And everyone has done it, at least once in their life, so know that it is survivable by BOTH parties. IMHO, I would make arrangements to have her best friend available to her immediately after you break the news to your soon to be ex. Just call up the best friend and tell her that you believe that your (ex) girlfriend may need an ear and find out what time she is available to be with your ex with a moments notice. Plan your break up time around her friends availability. Break the news to your (ex) gently, I wouldn't even bother telling her that their is a future gf in the picture, just that your "goals in life have changed" and that "It is time for you to move toward them." Tell her this is a decision that you have thought long and hard about and it has nothing to do with her being a bad girlfriend. Then make a quick exit, with out a lot of hashing over the why's and arguing. Make an immediate call to the (now) ex-gf's best friend and inform her of what has happened. I'd offer NO explination to the best friend of WHY you did it. Your Ex-gf will feel much better bitching to her about what you said than if the Best friend went in their privy to a lot of information. She's still gonna think your an @sshole for a bit, but not as bad as if she knew you were breaking things off with her for another girl. A caution though, I would certainly be SURE that this is what you want to do. Considering going back with your soon to be ex should not be an option for you once you make this decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): You need to talk to her and be honest! Let her know exactly how you feel and end it now. It always hurts no matter how gently you try to make the break. Just go for it.
Take care
xx
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