A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend embarrasses me sometimes. He is very silly and goofy, but sometimes takes it a little far. His behavior at home is fine, but he doesn't seem to understand that the way we are at home is not necessarily appropriate for all crowds. Last night, we went to a party at a friends house. I don't know these people very well, and they are not as open as other people we hang with. I don't see them often --maybe once per year-- and I know he felt awkward, but he chose to combat this by amplifying his behavior. I used to have feelings for one of the guys at this party, and I have kept it a secret for years. At one point, this guy went inside and went in around the same time because I had to use the restroom. Our entrance together was not on purpose. My boyfriend mentioned this incident later on within earshot of everyone, and also mentioned that I used to have feelings for this guy. Things deteriorated from there. I quietly told him to shut up, and he just kept going and drawing more attention, asking if he was in trouble, and so on. I decided that I'd had enough, and I wanted to leave. I was genuinely tired, so I used this as an excuse. Then he kept pressing the issue -- "Why? Am I embarrassing you?" I said, "A little, but I don't care about that, I am just really tired." And he just kept running his mouth and making a scene. I repeated that I was tired. Finally, I just got up and grabbed my bag, and began making my goodbye rounds. He felt really bad when he realized how upset I was, and begged for forgiveness, but I can't seem to shake this. Of course, it hasn't even been 24 hours yet, so maybe I should just give myself more time. I haven't felt so embarrassed in a very long time.I know he felt awkward and nervous in front of new people. I just wish he were able to handle it differently. As it stands, I feel like I need to discuss it with him further, but I don't know how. Any tips? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 August 2012):
 When your boyfriend asked if he was embarrassing you you should have simply said 'Yes', left it at that and continued making your good bye rounds. That would have been the honest answer and being the shortest may have stopped him in his tracks. Fatigue may have been A factor, but if you'd been having a great time you'd have stayed longer. I think the most effective way to deal with this is a stoney silence. And when you do have to speak to him be as brief as possible. For the next couple of days do not contact him and do not respond when he attempts to contact you.I'm all for open and honest communication, but I also believe in EFFECTIVE communication. You have already informed your boyfriend that he embarrassed you and he has already acknowledged and accepted that. And the more talking you do the more he will focus on how guilty HE feels instead of how embarrassed YOU feel. You don't need to explain anything and you'll undermine your own case if you try. What you need to do now is show him that there are consequences for behaving badly and that being with you is a priviledge. Keep him on his toes. Let hims fret and stew in his own juices a while. If and when you're ready to go out with him in public again, limit his inclusion to events where he can do the least damage. All the better if he knows that's what you're doing and do NOT be apologetic about it. If, on the other hand, you decide to end the relationship I think you'd be justified. Partners are supposed to enrich our lives not encumber them. This is not just a one off, but a way of life for him.He was born an raised on the same planet we were and is as capable of figuring out what is and isn't appropriate as the rest of us. Most people keep a low profile when they feel awkward. Your boyfriend chose to behave boorishly.
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