A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Thanks to all who respond,I am having a bit of a time with my sister. I really like and admire her but we are not all that compatible. I find her a borderline bully at times.She is kind but she talks to me in this tough direct manner and I finally asked her why. She said I lead my decisions with emotion and this is how she gets through to me. That is wrong. I teach spec ed in high school and I can be tough when I need to be but also kind.She is a kind person but she had a go at me via text because I am hesitating about one of the vaccines on offer here in Canada. She keeps canceling getting together. We are about six hours apart and I know covid is a factor. She initiates and then cancels. Yesterday she offered again and I told her I would not hold my breath this time...not nice but true. I suspect she wonders how to deal with me in her life too. My brothers sister in law says she finds both my siblings snotty,self righteous and self impressed. My question is: Should I dial back this relationship. Whenever I assert myself she gets angry. Interestingly enough if I get really assertive she backs down.I have tried to talk to her but she is not introspective to the point where she would see my side. I suspect there is narcissism to an extent.No doubt she has her side of the story but it just is not working for either of us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2021): HiFirst of all, your brothers sister in law and her personal opinion of your siblings is rather rude, surprised she FELT that it would be ok to speak to you in this manner about your own siblings.Secondly, this leads me to believe that you are opening some sort of doorway to allow her to do this, which puts you in a different light to what you portray on here, not a very nice sisterly thing to do. However you are obviously scoring points and this makes you feel better.The word 'Narcist' seems to be quite a buzz word these day's and is bandied around often, almost like a character assassination, one word that every one understands, often used when there is no solid reason that can be explained to make someone out as bad.You have some sibling rivalry going on somewhere, both of you need to grow up, you are who you are, either accept it or quite on each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2021): Typo corrections:
"She's snakes and snails, and puppy-dog tails; and you're the prissy one!"
"You both act like school-girls, and you keep trying to make her behave all sweet and ladylike."
P.S.
Sweet and ladylike might not be her ways; but you know you love each-other! Like I said, love from a distance. Keep calls short and sweet. No visits until you're dying for the other's company! I don't mean that literally!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2021): Some personalities never change. If your sister is over 50; she's set in her ways. Your every encounter will be the same as the last. She's aggressive, condescending, and arrogant. What is commonly know as a mean-girl. That's her personality-type; and after all these years, she has pretty much perfected that persona to a fair-the-well. You're her favorite dartboard and scratching post. She snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails, and you're the prissy one.
You can't change her, but you can modify her behavior. When she dials-up her tone and gets snotty and arrogant, just shift into a very pleasant and assertive air. Calm, unshaken, and succinct. If she's a narcissist, she feeds on your fear. Just stop getting so rattled and upset when she barks. She likes that, and she knows how to push those buttons. Don't change the tone in your voice when you sense hers changing; and don't let her smell your fear.
You won't change so easily either! It will take practice. Your sister-to-sister relationship has years of hard conditioning. You're intimidated by her, and she knows it. She bullies you, and you get all rattled. She misinterprets this fear and submissiveness as respect. When you decide to pushback, she just dials it up another notch; she knows you can't go toe to toe. You always backdown.
Stop with the head-games, and the stand-up visits! Just stop-it! You turn into a "10 year-old" around your sister, or whatever age it was when she first started bullying you. You've never outgrown that age, when you interact with your sister. You must have flashbacks to your childhood!
You both act like school-girls, and you keep trying to make her behave like a sweet and ladylike. You want her to be demure and soft-spoken; so you can tolerate her.
It's hard for your to say; so I'll say it for you. You really love her, but you just can't stand her!!! If she gets angry when you assert yourself, keep asserting yourself. She needs to get used to you being more than her doormat. Sometimes you have to love people from a distance.
Resolve yourself to the fact that you can't change your sister. She's been who she is all your life. She has developed a personality that she feels gains her respect and dominance. Probably in the back of your mind, all you can think of is the B-word! You're just too nice to say it! Don't!
Minimize the length of your phone conversations; and don't visit until you really miss each-other. I really don't know why you visit each-other when it's so emotionally toxic? Maybe you both like the drama and the tension?
Please get vaccinated, for your own good! People get flu shots, and they have no idea how long they were in the test stage before they were distributed for injection, or how they are made. You're not taking the same recombinant flu vaccine each and every year. The type of vaccine could vary how it's made.
You just so happen to know the covid-19 vaccines are new in distribution, and only recently given emergency approval by the FDA; but they have been working on vaccines of their type for years. It's normal for everyone to be a little skeptical or hesitant. You take your prescribed medication; although you see they may have many side-effects. Somebody out there has had a bad or lethal reaction to anything you have in your medicine cabinet!
Don't listen to what's on the dark web or disinformation from non-scientific sources. Read the research and publications put-out by medical scientists and the CDC regarding the covid vaccines. Do your research! Ask your doctor questions!
Don't wait too long!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 March 2021):
 How about you ACCEPT her for who she is?
She is not you. You are not her.
You might be intropsective, she is not.
You might be better at "talking around" a subject to make it sounds more polite, she doesn't mince words.
You are two VERY different people.
As for the meeting up, I agree to BE prepared that it might not happen and if it does be ready to roll on YOUR terms.
You write:" Interestingly enough if I get really assertive she backs down."
So, yu know how to handle her. BE really assertive when the situations needs it.
If she is rude over phonecalls, make an excuse and get off the phone. Keep phone calls short and pleasant. If she gets rude or annoying, end the call.
You say you two are not compatible, that happens. Just regard her as family and find FRIENDSHIPS outside of the family.
Also, I wouldn't talk about her behind her back to other family members, that is not a good thing to do.
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