A
female
age
41-50,
*ebedee
writes:My partner and I met at Uni four years ago and had a laidback relationship for six months. During this time I cheated on him numerous times. We had not made it a deep and serious relationship (although monogamy *was* expected) cos we were both likely to go our separate ways after uni. He never knew about my cheating. One person I cheated on him with was the bloke I used to jokingly refer to as the one who got away. Lets call him N. N and I met three days before he left for Japan to work. We spent those 72 hours enthralled with each other, connecting on emotional, intellectual and sexual levels. But he left the country and I went back to my life. Later my partner and I split up for a variety of reasons. Once we had split up we carried on sleeping together and generally getting on very well as mates. Then I got a job near by, and as we were no longer on separate paths we got together seriously. I adore his company, we are best friends. But we never quite gelled sexually. At the same time I became very ill with arthritis. This had a huge detrimental effect on my life and my partner basically cared for me and supported me. I effectively slept for two years. In this time we lived together and have developed a great deal of intimacy and friendship. My family and friends feel he is good for me as he grounds me, loves me deeply and we generally get on well. Things changed in September. I lost my job due to disability reasons. I am pursuing this and the pressure is immense. I have applied for 400 jobs in the last two months but am not getting any. In the mean time my partner is having the life of reily, having joined a new band, running his own business, getting a sucessful secondment at work. Then N came back into my life. We had emailed infrequently over the years but I had resisted seeing him for the benefit of my relationship. But then he said he was going back to Japan to live with his new girlfriend. So I arranged to meet him when I was in his city for a job interview. THe meeting was great, we got on really well, but the whole thing was charged, lots of holding eyecontact, tactile behaviour and general double entendres. I knew I shouldnt see him again but things were are so crap in my life I thought sod it. We met again this week. Two days before he left. We had another great time and at the end, as we were saying goodbye, we ended kissing. For three hours. The next day, against my rational judgement we met again and booked into a hotel for 3 hours. It was amazing and just as good as four years ago. THere was intimacy too, just laying there holding each other and kissing. But the agreement was not to tell anyone, not to effect our relationships, to basically say goodbye. So i came home. The worst thing is I dont feel guilty. ButI find myself being more and more agitated with my partner. For not being N. And yet I appreciate I might regret it if I finish with my partner, and it would be so complicated. Money and bank accounts and joint ownershp of things. I think it would be better to wait until I am in aposition to split with him cohesively. But I cant get N out of my head, and I'm so unhappy. I dont know if things will imporve if i get a job, or if it will be just as bad. And my partner has supported me for so long emotionally. One friend knows what happened. She said once you cheat it never goes out of your head. You never escape it and things are changed irrevocably, even if you dont confess. Do i stay with my partner until things get better for me in general or do i start to make the move towards independence? I doubt N will be around any time soon, but I am conscious if it hadnt happened, I might not be as thoughtful as I am about splitting with my partner. I also think it wouldnt have happned if I loved my partner and there was a future there.Does anyone have a suggestion?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 February 2009):
I know it's hard to do when you just want to split up out of the blue but you can't stay with someone because it's more convenient.
It's not fair on either of you.
You two have been apart before and you were mates then.... so why not just talk to him now. Tell him you aren't happy any more and you think he'd be better off without you as well. See how he feels. I mean, he probably has lots of girls after him if he's out all the time and in a band. He may have been tempted away from you, so it's only fair to let him go off and have all the fun he wants if you don't want to be with him.
I think it would be possible for you to go back to being friends. You can continue living together as housemates, and then you'll have time to split bank accounts and work out what to do with the stuff you own together. As long as you agree some ground rules like not bringing other people back to the house and being discrete to make things easier on the other person, then it should be ok.
Sometimes you can find someone who is PERFECT for you and get on with them and feel absolutely nothing towards them, even if you think you should. The fact that you have had this thing with N shows that your boyfriend is not the one for you.
N may also not be the one for you, he may be amazing in short doses but really not the boy you'd take home to your parents. Romantic as he was, leave him as a learning experience and move on.
There will be a man out there who will treat you like your boyfriend treats you but excites you like N does. They do exist.
I know the job market sucks at the moment but do keep trying. There will be something out there, it's just that all vacancies are getting millions more applicants than usual. Ring up and ask for feedback on why you didn't get jobs. HR people are happy to give feedback, and you may find it's something on your CV that's being mis-interpreted.
Good Luck!! xx
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