A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner cheated on me and this is not a question about him. I've been dealing with it with him. It's about the girl. I have taken so much anger out on him but she walked away with having no affect in her life and ruining mine.He knew her, had once been intimate but thought she was still a friend. He met me, fell in love and gave to me what he never would give to her. He spoke about me so much and when he went back to her house, he went to bed in a spare room (he works away she is in that town). He was very drunk and she was straight. She made the decision to come into that room and slide into the bed with him. He didnt say no either. He told me straight away. I think she was jealous, she had made a comment to him saying she was happy for him but thought he didn't want a relationship and to settle down. (just didnt want her)Anyway, I hate her, I want her to suffer. He made a mistake of contacting her once after and she told me she was happy and had a partner and to get over it. I don't even understand why she would think I would even be interested in her love life but whats even more bizarre was that she didn't even have a partner!!! Everyone thinks she's lovelly in this small town, such a community person but behind closed doors she goes sleeping with other peoples partners. How do I deal with this bitterness towards her???Please no comments about my partner as I have heard it all already, because my main issue at the moment is dealing with the anger I feel towards her which in turn affects my relationship. Because she didn't have to deal with any hurt or stress. Also we are going to be moving to the town in the near future where she is and my partner works, how do I cope with that?
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 I am going o make a comment about your partner to make a comment about you. Actually I am going to make a comment about all three.First off. You are the one that needs to understand she [Mod cleaned up language] a random guy that wanted a random squeeze. You also need to understand that HE is the one that broke a promise to you. Lastly, why the hell are you with him?She did not ruin your life. She exposed the person he really is.He did not ruin your life.HE exposed himself for the person he really is.YOU ruined your life.You stayed and continue to stay knowing after he exposed himself for the person he is.He made the *mistake* of contacting her again.Look at the word you used. *mistake*Nope, that is not a mistake. He is a cheater and will bang her again if he can.A mistake is whoops i fell and hit my head or saying 6x5x4 is 102 when it is actually 120.A mistake isn't, "I called this person and said i want to [Mod cleaned up language] her to her so I could cheat again."A mistake isn't, "I punched her in the face and sent her to the hospital then beat her 5 more times"These are not mistakes.1. She is not to blame. If it weren't her, he would have [Mod cleaned language] another woman.2. He is the one who broke his promise. He is the one actively finding women to cheat on you with.3. You are the one allowing it to continue by being in the relationship.Leave him
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (15 July 2010):
 If you choice to forgive him than let the situation go. You will not live happy unless you put all this behind you. Just keep this in mind you should not seek for her explanation or try to understand why she did it, the point is they both did it. What can you expect from a person that voluntarily allow herself to become the other women. If you choice to stay with your man than concentrate on making this relationship work and regardless on how honest you think your man is I believe that all cheaters are liars. He could have answered all the question you asked him but the minute he decided to betrayal and blame it on the alcohol he lied.
I really hope you can get pass this but you honestly want to truly be happy than you have to start by accepting the fact that the other women owe you nothing and she did not betrayed you. I think your relationship can survive this unfaithfulness if you start to hold accountable the person who should have put you first. Good Luck and I hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Original poster-
I very much appriciate everyones opinion. I know I would be saying very much alot of the same things, if it was not me. I find this very hard to deal with because I did grow up knowing and telling myself I would never stay with a cheater and I have.
One thing that confuses me is that people tend to think he is a liar. Cheating & lying are very different and most cheaters are liars. The ones who dont fess up to it. My partner answered every question I asked, every specific detail. Even when he didnt want to. This incident doesnt justify who he is as a person and he isn't a liar. He does have a conscience.
I know he was the one that owed me the commitment. I know she owes me nothing on a personal level. What makes me angry is that she did it out of spite and jealousy, I believe. She use to play games with him but as soon as he got a partner she was that easy to jump into his bed.
Even saying to me she was glad he told me or otherwise she would have so there would be no secrets in our relationship, and that she knew how much he loved me because of how he spoke about me all night. But then she made the decision to come into his room????? Also She doesn't know anything about me to contact me, she only said it because I knew.
Yes he 100% put himself in the situation by going there. (everything is walking distance & he use to live there & he went to his old room to sleep)
Please note, my boyfriend has gotten HELL from me. He has not gotten of lightly. He lives everyday begging me to love him because he feels I hate him. But it's just anger. I dont hate him. I got to deal with him and the issue. It's my anger for her that stays because I have had no closure to her. I'm about to move to the town where she lives, it's very small in the middle of nowhere. I'm bound to see her. I dont know how I will react and I dont want to talk to her so she can know how much it affected me.
I dont understand why she did it because she got hurt the same way by some guy and then went and played the other party doing it to me. WHY!!!!!!! So much is going through my head, sorry for all the mumbo jumbo! :-)
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (14 July 2010):
I really think that the person who owe you loyalty, respect, and love was your partner and you need to fix your problem with him. She was a person he slept with he choice to do so, no matter how drunk he says he was he is the one who choice to drive to her place, and he is the one that put himself in this messy situation. She played a big villain in this drama but remember she owe you nothing. I would advise you to let it go and deal with the problem with the person who was suppose to care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): "Anyway Im so glad that because she is single she didn't have to care whether the guy she sleeps with is taken or not??? Wheres the respect for other peoples partners & relationships? And respect for other women? I would never do that!"
Of course she should, but she's not the one with it all to lose, she had nothing to lose by sleeping with him and thought she might have had a chance of gaining him. You're so quick to condemn her yet you're also so quick to accept your boyfriends view because he was able to come up with a good story in a matter of hours.
It's horrible as hell what they have done to you, neither of them are good people for what they have done. We're not telling you to forgive them because they deserve it, we're doing so because it's the only way for you to get piece of mind, screw those two. Bitterness, jealousy, resentment, betrayal, desire for revenge none of these are healthy emotions it's more important that you're able to rid yourself of these than it is to try and rationalize or seek to blame, especially seeing as you ARE condemning only her.
"I know he is telling me the truth because he told me about the cheating only hours after it happened" Yeah...sure. The guy who cheated on you is telling you must be telling you the truth. For me cheating is a deal breaker, once and you're gone, no exceptions. Whether you're sorry, you told the truth about it afterwards, you love me, you promise to never do it again, you come up with some sob story about the other person took advantage of you and initiated everything, seduced you, you're still gone in my mind.
If you want to move on from this and you still want to be with this guy then you're going to have move on from all this negative stuff you're feeling. If you can;t handle the fact that she wasn't punished or you want her to feel as hurt as you do, then it will poison your relationship and you won't be able to continue.
I wish you luck and it's hard for us not to focus on your partner when you ask this by the way, because he's the most culpable one in all this. It's nothing personal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): Original poster-
I asked for nothing to be said about my partner because I have made posts before & it's focused on just my partner, thats what I meant when I said I have heard it all before.
I don't forgive him, I haven't accepted it so it's not as easy as you have forgiven him , why not her?
I know he is telling me the truth because he told me about the cheating only hours after it happened, she has been caught out on lies. I know she was straight, I believe him because he was the one drinking and went to her house to sleep in the old room he use to have there. They were not out drinking together or anything like that. He went to bed. She came into the room. She told him "nothing happened" when he was saying he had to tell me to her. When he was talking about how happy he was she was saying "oh but I thought you didnt want to settle down" (because he would never commit to her)
Anyway Im so glad that because she is single she didn't have to care whether the guy she sleeps with is taken or not??? Wheres the respect for other peoples partners & relationships? And respect for other women? I would never do that!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 July 2010):
 You so focus your anger at the wrong person.
Maybe you feel like she walked away without a care i the world, and maybe she did, but she is NOT the one who made promises to you, she is not the one who was in a relationship.
Obsessing over HER, it's just NOT WORTH IT! Had she not been there it would have been another women. Get my drift?
Let her go. Karma will get her one way or another.
I think it's time that you focus on yourself, allow yourself to start living life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): "Please no comments about my partner as I have heard it all already" That's impossible I'm afraid, because there were two of them involved in what happened.
If you can forgive him and move on from what happened with him then you can do the same with her, that's what you're going to have to do too. I think you're getting the wrong end of the stick here, what she was did was horrible and crappy but she too was probably drunk, not thinking straight and probably had a big thing for your boyfriend.
It wasn't down to her to ensure she didn't have sex or put herself in a position where she could cheat on someone because she was single and like your boyfriend she was drunk. So if you can live with being drunk as an excuse from your boyfriend then you should also allow her the same. He was the one who had a girlfriend and went home alone with a girl, who had probably shown an interest in him that night, he's the one that should have said no but he didn't he put himself in that position and whether you think she took advantage of him or not is irrelevant, he's a big boy.
You're deflecting your anger towards him onto her based on what he has told you about that night, they're both at fault so if you forgive one then you have to forgive the other or you'll just be a bag of bitterness and resentment and it will eat you alive.
I know you don't want to hear any of that and I'm not condemning him, but part of getting over this is going to have to be to understand her part in this and forgive her for it.
As much as this seems like the last thing you might want,I think you should contact her and have a conversation with her about what happened. I know you despise her, but that's only because you don't know what happened from her perspective, maybe you don't want to because she might have a different account of what happened. If you really want to put this whole thing behind you then you need to talk to her and clear the air, you weren't there, so you need to find out the real circumstances of what happened and you can only do that by piecing together the events from both of their perspectives, only then can you build an accurate picture of that night.
Perhaps asking her to email you an explanation of the events would be a good idea if you don't think you can face her. Whether you can trust her or not is irrelevant, you'll know when you hear/read her explanation what is and is not true.
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