A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone,i hope someone here can help me, im with a man for a over a year now, when we first started dating he was going through a messy breakup with his ex of five years, 2 months on and they had finally parted ways. he put his house on the market and moved out of her home town.everything was fine until soon after our 1st yr celebration i found out that his ex was still living in his house and he was visiting her at least once a week, i stumbled upon this and got all the information from the girl, she and him had been working around the visits he and i made to each other as we lived 2 hours drive apart.she told me everything, at first i didnt believe her but further into our conversation she knew too much to be telling lies. she admitted everything but claimed that they were never intimate together.i confronted him, and of course he had to come clean about everything, saying it was just a friendship that he couldnt tell me about knowing my reaction wouldnt be good.i left him, he was constantly begging me to stay, to forgive him, he would do anything bla bla bla, so after thinking about it a lot i took him back, i know! gluten for punishment but he had built a relationship with my son and i likewise with his daughter(from a previous relationship) and i felt it was important to try.so 2 months later and im driving myself crazy with worry, unfortunately it is impossible for us to live near eachother so i constantly worry about where he is, if he's talking to her, if he still misses her and the life they shared even though he claims to not want that anymore, that he's much happier with me. he tells me everything now(apparently), i always know where he is, what hes doin.....bottom line is i dont know how to deal with it or how to gain the trust back, ok he is definitly tryin, but i feel he's weak and could want to see her again.how do i get past this, im miserable feeling like this, i want to get back the happiness i felt before all i do now is question where he is, check his phone, im always looking for something to catch him but to no avail, i love him and hate the obsessive woman ive turned into.please help im desperate
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Britt, I'm so glad that you have finally found happiness, please God things will work out for both of you so you can live together as a couple some day.And if not your so right, YOU will survive. This life has thrown many obsticles our way and without them we probably wouldn't be who we are now!take care Britt, no doubt I will be here again for more advice talk soon C
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): C...I am in a much better place now, I am in a LDR with a man who loves me and shows me all the time how a woman should be treated! It's tough being so far away from him (2700 miles) but we are trying to work it all out. And I know we will be together when the time is right. And ya know what? If for some reason, it doesn't work out...I WILL SURVIVE!!!!
I like your attitude, Stay Strong, and don't let anyone Use You!
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks britt, i really like the way u think, im sorry to hear about the troubles you had with your ex, 16&1/2 yeas is a long time, you obviously put a lot of effort into it and trying to help him without any thanks in the end, it is so terrible! some men just don't bloody care at all.
i was in an abusive relationship before for 4 yrs and i look back at all the time i wasted there, i was 19, he was 32 and i was kept from enjoying what should have been the best years, my early 20's, i definitely missed out, lost friends and all my confidence.
i cant blame only him, i was young, foolish and didn't listen to anybody's advice. when i eventually broke away, took him to court, he took the easy way out and committed suicide and left me alone with my baby who wasn't even a year old.
for years i was riddled with guilt and here i am in the fist relationship that i actually feel love for after 7 years single, not been able to commit, going through this torment. i wonder what the hell have i done to deserve this????
i should have stayed cool with him yesterday but i didn't, when he called acting like it was nothing, i couldn't keep it in, i lost it! he was like, why am i making a big deal, he just fell asleep!!!! well he's like the "boy who cried wolf" i've heard those excuses too often so why should i believe him? in saying that i actually do think he was at home but he's brought this on himself the prick, i've done nothing wrong and now he has the cheek not to talk to me since, of course he's trying to turn the tables on me.
well i'm angry now and stubborn so he can just fuck off!
anyway britt, god this was meant to be very short!! i hope your in a better place now and happier in yourself.
C x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): Well, now I'm starting to wonder! Stay Cool and see what happens. He could've fallen asleep, but two nights in a row???? I don't know...I would give him about a week to redeem himself and if he doesn't then, just move on. The fact that he hasn't called you makes me suspicious, so I can imagine how you feel! We shouldn't have to live like this! it's terrible!
You know, after I divorced my ex (after 16 1/2 years of misery) all I could think of is the wasted time that I can never get back! I kept hoping he would change (stupid me) but of course it only got worse.
You have to use your own judgement. We can't tell you what to do, just keep your eyes open, don't snoop, but don't be oblivious to the obvious either!
If it doesn't work out...believe me you're better off without him! Be Strong, Girl!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi again, he doesnt call last night, fell asleep (apparently), 2nd night running now!! What should I do, believe him or suspect the worst??
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you both so much for your advice, its definitely something i have to work on myself, i realize if i continue like this its going to ruin our relationship and more importantly my own sanity! i never imagined it would be this hard. i thought i was a strong person but something like this really makes you second guess yourself!
he can't live in his own place which suits me perfectly because she lives around there and the further he is away from there the better i feel!
i have often thought about a surprise visit to him but with my son at home and work commitments its next to impossible, we have set visits every week which is very easy for him as he has no commitments to stay at home therefore he can do what the hell he likes, this is what drives me crazy, i'd often ring him and he could be just watching a match or just at home totally innocent, im angry at myself for being like this, i don't ring him to see how he is, but to see WHERE he is.
when we got back together i knew i had to put it behind me but that's proved more difficult and the more time that passes the harder it seems to be getting, not easier.
i definitely agree with you britt429, i have to stop myself from checking, at the moment i'm getting nothing out of it only driving myself crazy so its really just harming myself.
i will stop until of course he gives me reason not to and then i turn into a private detective nearly!! god it sounds crazy but i feel i have to protect myself. i really want this to work so hope fully it won't come to that.
thanks again, i feel a bit more hopeful now
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female
reader, morningdew  +, writes (4 December 2008):
 What I think is that, if he wants to cheat on you, he will, regardless of you checking his cell phone, pockets, vehicle, or anything else and not finding anything.Even if you ask him, he could just lie. It is only hurting you, and your relationship with him (if he is honest about being with you),if you continue to act jealous. So, I think you two should sit down, and you need to set some boundaries. One comes to mind, he needs to live in his own place with his ex. NO where near, and he should agree never to go visit her, unless you are going with him, since he sais they are "friends." If he really wants to be with you, he will agree... The thing is that, since you two live away, you should drop unanounced at his place, or town, and see where he is, and what he is doing. But the rest of the time, relax, and give him some trust. Meanwhile make it clear in your mind, that you are worth alot, and you will not have anything else other than what you deserve... So if you catch him doing something that disrespects you, kick him to the curve, and be proud of it, because there is always someone waiting in line..
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): I know what you are going through...I've been there but with my guy it wasn't a woman, it was drugs. I spent 16 years feeling the same feelings you are feeling. And he was a truck driver, so he spent a lot of time away.
In order for you to trust him again, he has to earn your trust by becoming trustworthy! That takes time. In the meantime, try to let go of the past. If you want to make a go of it, then you must let go of the past and give him the benefit of the doubt. If you can't, you may drive him away with your questions and "snooping." You made the decision to take him back, so now, give him the opportunity to prove he can be trusted. If you find he can't be, then walk away! But let this be his last chance! Don't give him too many chances...that'll be like giving him permission to keep screwing up! Believe me, I know! Good Luck and try to relax a little. When you get those urges to look at his phone or give him the third degree, stop yourself. Tell yourself, I will trust him until he gives me reason not to! If you can't do that...you might as well end it right now, before it goes any further. I know how hard it is to trust once your trust has been broken! Again I say good luck and I hope it all works out!
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