A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has a real problem with my having an interest in anything other than doing for him. No matter what my latest interest, he goes after it complaining until I finally give it up. This includes things such as being a Girl Scout leader, being involved in FreeCycle, doing crafts with the kids, etc. If I seem to be getting any pleasure out of it, he blames the interest for all problems. He usually carries on until I quit whatever it was I was interested in. As soon as he gets me to quit, he never mentions it again. He just moves to the next thing.The latest thing is my involvement in living history which is something I really enjoying doing with some of my kids. I have worked hard on research, etc. and to save for the things I needed to do this. So now he is having fits trying to get me to give up those few weekends a year. And it is not that he wants to spend that time with me. He never wants to do or go anywhere we me. How do I deal with someone who seems intent on killing every pleasure I have in life? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): One of the aunts here said you should also reflect on yourself and see what you might have been doing to trigger this inexorable behavior in your husband. I in my message chose to concentrate merely on that aspect. What drew my attention is that you have such refined, thought-absorbing preoccupations as living history, research, Girl Scout leadership, FreeCycle and this lead me to think of your leadership qualities, including anticipation of results and strategical approach... and active implication in managing divergences... yet you don't include in your message the following idea: "I have tried this and this solution, I have tried speaking to him in such and such manner, yet the outcome of my efforts were not compensated as hoped etc..." This is why I focused in my answer to briefly describe the communication aspect as I see it, because you didn't mention how YOU discussed with him as an elementary solution before involving a third party! I agree with Irish, a woman who engages in activities of kindliness and refined researches should be reason for her husband to take pride in. The psychological motivations are very interesting to observe. Certain are rather passive and find it fairly intricate to live in company of a very active woman - thus either don't respond well to her successes (feel jealous, diminished), either are fearful of losing her as in her activities she is likely to set herself distinct and win common appreciation, be offered further opportunities (seeing every opportunity as a threat to the relation), etc. If the fault is only his indeed, his bitter opposition and injust behaviour may also be observed in his dealing with others and furthermore, UNLEARNED, in a therapeutic process, in severe cases. There are two ways to discuss a story: pampering the person who claims is the victim and assisting her in discovering where the common fault lies. I'm glad the other aunts chose to strengthen your moral and acknowledge your merits.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Your story is sad and I am so sorry what you are going through. I know too painfully, how you feel. I have been in your shoes. I was with a partner, who took away those wonderful, positive little moments we have in life and turned them into something negative and wrong. For me it went on for many years, and it drained my heart and soul. It left chunks in my heart until there was nothing left to give. But I fought it all the way..I didn't understand it. And everytime he upset me, over 'nothing'...he would come back later and say "I am sorry-I love you'. This was not love but rather, his entitlement to have his partner cater to him and only him. Everything I did for others, baking cookies/cakes for sick friends, buying an special bouguet for the christmas dinner table, wanting to volunteer, helping my kids cope through the angst of growing up with love and support,...everything I did was wrong as I was told I was stupid, dumb, silly, for anything I did to benefit the lives of others. I got feeling unsafe and depressed. Everytime I tried to reason with him, I had it pounded into my head I did wrong. All I ever wanted was to have peace and solitude without someone blaming me for everything.
Your husband is self-involved, he has a problem, he feels entitled to being the only one you should give your attentions to, he is emotionally abusing you and my heart goes out to you. I tend to agree with the narcisstic personality disorder theory. These people are very manupulative, controlling, selfish people who are only happy if things are done in the way they deem fit. This man should appreciate you for your intellect, your gift for giving, the love you show your children, your volunteerism...a mature, healthy man would look at what you do, as something of beauty and strength. He would respect you for your kindness and he would be telling you that. He wouldn't view so much goodness in you as being a liability but rather view your ability to reach out as an asset. Something that makes him say. "Wow, what an amazing woman I have here".
Stand your ground and tell him, either he gets into counseling and seeks professional help or he loses bigtime. I did stand up to my partner whenever, he acted this way. But when he finally did realize the problem was him, it was too late. The severity of the damage was done. If you can get him to get help, that could change things around and then again, it may never change. But if I were you, and you want to change this...give him a phone number of a therapist and tell...he is too call them and make an appt. Then walk away. If he doesn't want to see what he done or doing to you, to this family...then it's time to call a lawyer and get out from underneath his thumb. I feel bad for you--no one should take you down like when you doing absolutely nothing wrong. You deserve to be appreciated for your goodness...not belittled for it. I hope you find the strength to fight back, hun. Keep me posted on how you do. And my bestw wishes go out to your and your family. I know how hard it truely is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): I recommend you reading up on something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.This can range from mild to extreme but the way your husband is treationg you is very self centred and childish and demeaning and unhealthy for you and your family.It might be worth a read honey xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): You should always ask him to justify why he prefers that you don't engage in certain activities, then discuss the pros and cons reasonably, together. This is because if you give up your plans without proper understandment of his reasons you will slowly build up frustration against him for all the times that you feel (or have felt) compulsed to concede, whereas continuing in spite of him will also nurture your distanciation - so consider telling him that by pursuing the respective interest you don't aim at defying him (as he may feel.) Open the subject in a non-defensive, constructive way, instead of "Why do you always seem intent on killing my every pleasure in life" - rather "Why do you dislike this if (enumerate your reasons)" and "How do you suggest that we manage the spare time if we decide that WE abandon this plan" (as Kay says this issue may question his affection for you but on the other hand perhaps he feels left out and awaits for YOU to include him in your plans.) Be persistent (interested) and at the same time mild in inquiring to know what lies beyond his unacceptance. Your hobbies seem to have to do with travelling and he may for example be conservatively educated to think the wife is not expected to travel alone and at the same time not be a passionate traveller himself - hence not making the effort to accompany you in such journeys - also point out the utility of each activity or interest emphasizing on the enjoyment it bestows (he may as well be ignorant of your hoped outcomes and your reasons.) That you don't consult him in your decisions and merely 'announce' the events may also grant him the impression he is not taken into account, belittled or underappreciated, hence his disapprobation and coming state of tension. We can only speculate as you can see, therefore I suggest that you find out why and what has lead to his discontent in the first place. The situation may be corrected by proper communication. Best wishes.
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reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Well, this could stem from a few emotional problems he has. He's either very unhappy with himself, or he's a control nut. I'm going to assume he's unhappy with himself because if it was a control thing, he would force you to do activities with him that only he enjoys. Your husband can't stand seeing someone else content in their own life because he is so unsettled in his own. He may be depressed or have other emotional issues that should be dealt with by a therapist. You cannot change him, he has to decide when the time is right. He has to admit that he has a problem and he has to be the one to initiate a plan to improve himself. He sees you happy and he's not, so he can't stand it when you do activities that you enjoy, resulting in him throwing a temper tantrum and blaming you for his problems. It's a nasty cycle, and it's a game his mind is playing on him.Really, he needs professional help. He's probably had problems as a child getting attention from his parents or siblings, and this could be a reminder of him being left out. Maybe that's all it is- he feels left out and doesn't know how to approach you about it. The activities you have mentioned seem pretty feminine. Why don't you suggest taking up some bi-gender hobbies like fishing, model building, yard work, etc. (I know if I ever suggested living history to my husband, he'd probably laugh at me.) Also, reflect on yourself and see what you could be doing to trigger this behavior in him. There are always two sides of the story, and we're only hearing yours. We know that the hobbies you do are bothering him, but if you're gloating to him about how happy you are doing the things you do and how rewarding it is, you're going to make his resentment worse. He's viewing you as selfish because you aren't thinking of ways to make him happy, too, and he's burrowing deeper into his hole and soon you're not going to be able to pull him out. Please, don't let anyone tell you he's trying to control you. It stems from something far deeper and emotional than a desire to control you. Try to understand him, don't shut him out, and really try to listen to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): what an arse!
maybe if you tried to include him in doing some of the things you are trying to do then he wont mind so much?
if he still gets pissed then do it anyway - his problem shouldn't keep you from having fun.
Juliet xx
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