A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents are getting a divorce, and it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life so far. How do I deal with this?Both of them have used me, and I have been the messenger, and while one of them has tried to keep being a parent to me during this time, the other has taken the selfish route, and expects me to adjust to the new way of life while not allowing me to be angry, or ask any questions. This parent is off living life, and telling me how happy they are, while the other has stayed with me.I feel really manipulated and I have a lot of very deep seated anger over this. This is because of how everything unfolded--with a lot of secrecy, and lying. I need advice.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (10 January 2014):
That sucks!
I will say that at your age, you are old enough to set some firm boundaries. Your parents probably don't realize how much their using you is harming your emotional well being.
I'd sit them both dis individually and tell them firmly how their actions are hurting you, and that you love them both but under no circumstances are you willing to continue to be their middleman, or to listen to trash talk about either parent.
Sadly, soneti r adults let their emotions get the best of them, this can cause extremely selfish behavior. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for them.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 Be thankful you are not 7years old.
As much as it hurts try to stay neutral, unless one parent really disgusts you. Chances are they have waited until you are a young adult before they split up. Its not your fault and however much it hurts now, you will adapt.
Get out there and live your own life, find your path to walk.
Whatever happens you still have 2 parents. Let the dust settle before you ask questions, refuse to be the messenger, its their situation so let them deal with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): I can't imagine what it's like to lose the family structure that was your sanctuary.However, you do sound rather entitled. It's all about you and how you are suffering. I'm sorry but past your teens, it's not so much about you anymore. They probably stayed together for years with underlying problems sacrificing themselves for you to have security as you grow up. They've given you that. Let them live how they see fit now.If one hurts the other, that's awful obviously, but the empathy should be for the suffering parent rather than for you. You are old enough to have your own family if it's stability that you want. Beyond loving you and supporting you individually, your parents do not owe it to you to stay together. They may owe it to each other, but not to you. Their love for you transcends a marriage certificate and hopefully you will still have them both in your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 January 2014):
 Know that it's NOT your fault they decided to divorce.
KNOW that they still love you, the same as always.
Accept that they didn't WANT to be with each other and accept that even IF they are both being selfish at the moment, that they are still your parents and they DO deserve to be happy. (tough not at the cost of making YOU miserable).
If EITHER of them ask to pass on messages or keep secrets, just refuse - IT IS OK to say no to that.
If I were you I would write a letter explaining what they did and HOW it affected you, how it made you feel. Since these are your parents I WOULD send it/give them the letter. Hopefully that can open up some talk about how YOU feel in all this. You parents need a little wake up call, they seem to have forgotten that all this wasn't JUST about them.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 January 2014):
 Let your parents live their lives; you live your's....
Try to stay out of their going-on. If you favor one over the other.... that's OK... and natural. But, try not to let if be so extreme that you shun the other.... UNLESS you are sufficiently ticked off at that (other one), such that you simply want to cut all ties with him/her....
Good luck...
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