A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am having a hard time dealing with my situation..I have been on and off with a guy for 6 years. I believed we had a connection and that was why we always came back to each other. He was always the one to call me and come back, I would go about my life. I thought we would eventually end up together. He has dated others, I haven't. Recently he said that "I will never be what he wants me to be". That not only crushed me but my self esteem is in the trash. I feel used, I have never been anything but good to him. He is already with someone new, parading around town in love and I am heartbroken. I am doing the whole "what's wrong with me?" "what does she have that I don't?" why is he putting effort in with someone else and not me? I am feeling very depressed over this. I feel like a shell of myself. I am afraid I will never get over him. How do I cope?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (8 March 2019):
 The thing is you let him do this, you let him keep coming back into your life and pick you up when he needed an ego stroke and then discard you when something better came along. You need to learn to say no to people you know are using you!
You may have had a connection, but what does that mean? It’s easy to have a good connection with someone. But what did he actually offer besides flaking out? Being non-comittal and generally just stringing you along?
Take back control of your life, stop moping around! The world won’t stop turning. Be glad he’s gone, block his contact and don’t ever let him back in! Accept that this is never going to work and vow never to fall for a time waster again! Get your chin up, look to the future and move on, be happy that this chapter of your life is over.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2019): You didn't let-go and move on. He dated, but you didn't. He called you back; knowing you'd be along and waiting. You took care of him, and made him feel loved; while he was considering you to be less than he wanted you to be.
Neither of you bothered to change. You just picked-up where you left-off. Big mistake! HUGE!!!
Is it that easy to convince you that he's right about you? You knew all the caveats and kept taking him back. You kept sipping his poison, and slowly weakening yourself. His toxin is still in your blood. Now purge yourself of it. Take a laxative if you must! Get a colonic or something!
Stop blaming it on him. On-again/off-again is a sign that you're incompatible; and one or both of your are lazy. You go back to what's familiar when you don't want to face the world. Pretending you could fix a defective dysfunctional-relationship. Saving yourself for him; while he's out there doing whatever he pleased. Did you miss the drama?
When you weren't together, why were you alone? You claim you were alright. If you were alright, why did you keep taking him back? In a matter of weeks you could tell nothing had changed. You new you hadn't changed either.
He just didn't want you to grow or change. He came back to make sure he kept you right where he left you. In the same shape and condition. He sucked life and energy out of you; and kept you out of the arms of other men. He remained in control over you remotely. You wanted him to. While he was gone, you held-on. Waiting. You kept a candle in the window.
He didn't want you, he just didn't like the idea of you giving yourself to somebody else. He was likely cheating the whole time you were together; but kept you inline and single, until he found your suitable replacement. You were good for sex, keeping a clean home, doing laundry, paying half the bills. A good roommate with benefits. Always telling you that you weren't good enough, how you needed to fix yourself; or how broken you are. You believed every word. True or not, he had to go. You wouldn't let-go!
Don't you dare feel depressed, crawl, or sulk over some crap he said! You had no business taking him back, after you had to breakup with him on multiple occasions. You didn't learn anything. Now you've surrendered complete power over your feelings and emotions to him. Seriously?!!
Girlfriend, get a grip!!!
You're going through your withdrawal from this bad-habit for the last time. How many times can you go through this wretched emotional-breakdown because of him? Then whine like you're some poor victim. You're a willing victim; because you kept taking him back! You wouldn't move on, instead you waited. You wouldn't see anybody else; because you didn't want to upset him. You wanted his pity, and to let him know you were...still waiting! He only came back, because he was rejected; or nobody wanted to take care of him.
It was cheaper than paying the rent by himself.
How do you cope? See it for what it is, and SHAKE IT OFF!!!
It's bull manure! Do do! Doggy poop!
It's all self-inflicted; because you chose to go back to what was repeatedly proven to be wrong. Now you're giving him power to kill your self-esteem. You're taking bullets and daggers to the heart over him. Silly you! Hurt because he had the balls to go find himself somebody better. You had the chance to do the same damned thing.
Now you're free! Go heal! Improve yourself, regain your strength, and go find yourself somebody better.
So...why didn't you before??? Too busy waiting for him?
Breakups hurt. The degree and length of the recovery-process depends on you.
You've given him the power to lower your self-esteem with mere words. At the drop of a hat, he can hurt your feelings, depreciate your value; then walk around with your beating heart in his dirty hands. You gave it to him. Take it back!
In one deep breath you can take it all back. It's done by letting-go and moving on. Stop crying and whining. Pick-up your dolls and dishes, the pity-party is over. Clean your house from top to bottom. Throw-out anything with his stink on it, and go get yourself a makeover. Look in the mirror at a different woman. Leave the past behind.
He got over you; so your only option is to get over him.
Your strength is still deep within you. He doesn't own you; and he doesn't belong to you. He has a new life. Your destiny has changed. He's not a passenger on your journey. How many times does failure with him have to show you that???
After the nasty withdrawal and gut-wrenching detachment process. You will get over him. If you can't, it's not because you don't have the power; it's because you don't want to. You like being a victim and a drama queen. It's exhausting! You stay stuck in one place. The world, his world, and everyone else; just keep going, and living as usual.
All you have to do is make up your mind you're finished. It's that simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2019): I know it hurts, but I feel like this is one of those situations where the sooner you face the truth, even if it’s painful, the sooner you can move on. I think it’s hard for you to see because you’ve been living this everyday. For an outsider like me, I can ONLY see the bigger picture. I think you need to see the bigger picture and focus on that now. And here it is:
He kept coming back because he had been rebounding. He got lonely which is normal and you had made yourself available. So it’s been easy for him to keep coming back to you—hence the on and off situation. (Imagine if you had a guy waiting in the wings right now. Wouldn’t it be great if every time you felt sad about your on/off boyfriend you could run into this side guy’s arms and find temporary comfort? Most people would find comfort. But it’s not healthy or fair. If you can imagine yourself doing that then you can kinda see what your on/off boyfriend had been doing to you).
He never wanted to be with you long term. If he did want to be with you, he would never have been “off,” for the risk of losing you. I’m going to repeat: he NEVER INTENDED to be with you seriously or long term.
Here’s the hard truth to face: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Are there some guys in your life who are cute, kind, etc, but for whatever reason ehhhh you wouldn’t want to be with them (intimately in relationship). I don’t know. I have guys like that in my life. I can’t say there’s anything wrong with them. I just don’t feel anything. Well. I hope you have examples like that because it’ll make it easier to see that it’s not YOU, there’s nothing wrong with you!! That’s all that happened with you and this on/off guy. There just wasn’t a spark for him when he was with you and so he chose not to want anything serious with you. It happens! If this wasn’t a normal thing then should we as human ALL be able to date everyone else equally? Should you then be attracted to every single man you meet?? And women I suppose! Anyway. It’s normal for you to continue to meet men you don’t want just like they won’t want you. ACCEPT that as life and don’t let that get you down, it’s just a fact because it can happen again. . It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you (or even the guy). It’s just not a good match.
Now where this jerk messed up is that he didn’t tell you that part! He knew (on purpose or maybe deep inside) that you were not the one for him. But he didn’t tell you and instead kept at this rebound thing for 6 years! Geez, what a thing to do, this guy!! So how is there something wrong with YOU? Nothing is wrong with you at all!
Here’s the thing. And this one is tough too. These things unfortunately happen a lot because we are human. I’m not going to finger point all day long at this guy. You need to focus on yourself, on realizing you are strong and wonderful and worthy. Yes you will find another guy who thinks you are worthy, and next time you will ONLY give back to a guy who thinks you are worthy. Next time don’t accept less than an on/on boyfriend! If someone won’t prioritize you then don’t prioritize them!
But right now, make time for yourself and be with the people in your life who do find you worthy and value you, like friends and family. Keep building those relationships and don’t give time to those people who won’t do that for you.
You’re already ahead of the game because I can tell you WANT to move on. Some people get stuck where you are. So keep focusing on these unfortunately painful facts. See what happened for exactly what it is, stripped bare of alll that lovey dovey romantic stuff. See HIM for who he is. And see that HE was not for YOU!
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