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writes: Okay, here goes...I'm used to doing the answering, but I am feeling troubled right now, and there are so many wise Aunts out there, I've decided to reach out...I am in a LDR, very long 3,000 miles. We have visited each other and fallen in love. It has been almost a year now. We share all the important values of a relationship and we want to be together. He is very loving, caring, and treats me very special. I am the same towards him! We have both experienced life and we are Not "starry eyed kids!" Herein lies the problem. He thinks too much!!! We have both agreed that we want to be together! Of course, I want him to come here, however, he wants me to come there. But at the same time he worries that I will be unhappy there. He lives in a very cold part of the country and I live in a very mild part of the country. I would have to give up a very good job, he is eligible to retire (although, without health benefits) If he came here, and we married, I could add him to my health plan. And if I went there it would be difficult to find a comparable job (work is scarce and pay is low). I could get on his insurance (we would marry) but the job thing would still be an issue. He isn't the healthiest guy in the world (two heart attacks) And he's been at the same job for 38 years! It's obvious that the job stresses him (that's another story!) He is constantly worried about the "what ifs" and it seems to paralyze him! We talk every night and go over the same scenarios again and again. When he was here, he said it was the most beautiful place he had ever seen. But he hates the traffic (He lives out in the country) Beautiful as well! I feel as though we are wasting precious time! I am not going to walk away from him, but how do I convince him to come here? I love him with all my heart and soul! Sorry about the length of this...there are so many other little obstacles getting in the way... Reply to this Question
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reader, Oblivia  +, writes (29 November 2008):
 Yes, you shouldn't give up on him! You are still in a negotiating position and there is a long way to go before you would maybe (hopefully not) need to take such a decision.
His new position at work of course adds another twist to the problem if that means he will have a much better situation where he lives then. I agree with you though, that sometimes better not to think too much. Sometimes one should just let go with what the gutfeeling tells you is the right thing to do and take all problems as they come by. Like with the house, is there anyone up there that he trusts who can offer to look out for the house? Or even better, to find someone good who can live there for some time?
When I was 6 yrs old my mother met a man living even slightly further away from us than this man do from you. They were both in their 30's and neither wanted to move and leave jobs, and neither wanted to end it. So they just lived apart, bought a house together in our town to house me, my brother and the 2 new kids they got together. He drove down every weekend and the vacations we spend at his place, where they also got a house for us all :). In some mysterious way they managed to keep all this up. And after 7 yrs my mother saw an add in the paper about a job in my stepfather's town and she applied. She did it mostly for fun and never thought she'd get it, it was just too good, she thought. But what do you know, she got it! And it was much better than her previous. Since then we have all been living up here :).
To the bottom line: You can think too much and try to figure out on beforehand everything that might go wrong, but in the end you can still never know what will happen, what things will come your way. You might decide to make a decision that doesn't at the time seem like the very best option, but in the end it might turn out to be really good.
I don't think he wants to think "what if if we had dared to do this", when you two have ended it.
Good luck! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You, Oblivia, ginalolabridga, and Boo! If nothing else you have confirmed everything I have said to him! I thought maybe I was being a little selfish! But it is the Practical thing to do, Isn't it??? I have suggested he keep his place up there, and come here for awhile. He's afraid his place will be broken into and all his belongings stolen! That's what I mean, he thinks too much! The "what ifs!" I have also thought about keeping my place here and going there. But I don't think I can afford it, not knowing what kind of pay I would receive up there! I just received an email from him telling me he will take a new position (if offered) at his job. So, we will just have to take it day by day! I love him too much to give up on him!
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reader, Oblivia +, writes (29 November 2008):
Hi, yes, this looks like a tough one. It seems like you can't live together unless one of you leaves the security behind and take the big risk.
I understand it as you're both in the same country even though in very different parts? Is there any way he could afford keeping a home there for some time while coming to you? It could be during a trial period, and if you after 6 months don't like it together after all, then he can go back? And if you do like it together, after 6 months he might feel better about getting rid of his house there and move for real? If he can't afford, maybe he can rent out his home for some time and thus keep it?
I'm saying him moving because it seems like it would be the best thing since he is able to retire. Which in itself seems like it would be good for him considering it sounds like his job is giving him a heart condition. I admit I don't understand your system so I must ask too; is there any way he could pay privately for health insurance until you know whether you want to marry or not? That could maybe ease some of his fears?
I know what you mean when saying you think he thinks too much. It can be really downputting once you start thinking of all the problems and obstacles instead of the good and fun parts of the decision. I think however that it is wise to try and find answers to some of his thoughts and fears before making a move, or that in itself could be something that will tear you two apart if he were to decide to move anyway. Don't hesitate to contact authorities or organizations that might be of help to give advice on how to solve those practical problems. People make those decisions all the time and there must be solutions. And remember to now and then add the good parts of the decision into the conversation, like you will live happily together ever after. :)
10 years ago I met a guy living in another country. We decided he would move here and I was the one having all the too many thoughts. All the fears though about financial situation, language, health insurances and everything just kind of sorted itself when it occurred. And not all of them fears ever came to be true anyways. It didn't last forever, but we were together for 6 years and now he is having a good life here with a good job and house and everything.
Oh, I'm rambling now :). I think you should make two lists. One of all the possible practical problems you might have and then tick them off one by one. And one with all the benefits, advantages and joys about living together. Pretty soon the maybe still unresolved obstacles on list nr one will be much less than all the good stuff on list nr two.
It will be a journey for both of you and I hope you will enjoy it. Tell us how it goes!
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reader, boo22  +, writes (29 November 2008):
 Hi there, Obviously i dont know your partners financial situation,but is there any way he could keep his home if he came to the states and married you? You could tell him to try it for 6 or 12 months and if he doesnt like it,you could go to his country and see what happens. Its a shame that the salaries in his country don't match that which your getting now,but money can't buy you love as the Beatles said. Good luck x
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