A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to keep this short.Got involved with a woman at work about 18months ago. She was with someone else so nothing really happened until that came to an end (though I suppose you could say we had an emotional affair). After she left him we got together and had a three month long relationship. I honestly thought that she was 'the one'. We talked about moving in together,getting married and having kids.Out of the blue she announced that she no longer had feelings for me and needed space. Within a week she'd moved back in with her ex. I left her alone, but they split after a couple of weeks (mid July 2010). At that point I let her know that I wanted to remain friends (we do work together afterall). She ignored me and we kept our distance.Move on to last November and she suddenly started talking to me. We got close again and started to see each other. I asked her about what had happened between splitting with her last partner and getting back with me (there were rumours that she'd been seeing a couple of blokes at the same time, including her ex). She told me that she'd been single since July when her ex finished with her. Just before Christmas she said that I could check her phone if I wanted to, as she had nothing to hide. I didn't feel great about it, but I looked. She had a folder of txt/images from a bloke that she'd denied being involved with and her ex. The bloke had stopped txting in mid October and the ex at the end of November. I didn't say anything because I assumed that things were over with them. In mid January she said the same thing about her phone and I checked again. Nothing from the other bloke, but she'd been txting her ex between Christmas and New Years. He'd sent her a naked picture of himself.Now I don't know what to do, we were talking last week and she told me that she had never been involved with the other bloke and that she hadn't heard from her ex since July. Things were getting heated so I didn't say anything about her phone, but I know that I'm going to have to. I want this to work out with her, but can't trust her until she's open with me. On the other hand I don't want to turn into a stalker! How do I confront her? Do I call it a day if she still can't be honest with me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): Thanks for the advice. I think it just makes it easier to hear other people say what I already know.
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship for me. I can't trust her. Even if she does come clean about what's she's been up to, I think I'd always suspect her in the future.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): My folks were divorced when we kids were young. As time went by my mom had boyfriends along the way. But I was a much older teenager before I figured out something she did, before I figured out her sure-fire method for collecting the child support was to go by dad's house when he was alone. She always phrased it, they had business to talk about.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): You can talk about honesty all day, but in the end you cannot avoid, evade or erase something as commonplace as an ex returning to their ex sexually again and again and again. You can almost joke that it should be a part of the divorce decree. True, most often it is the ex husband who initiates it, whether out of pure horniness or out of some misplaced macho need for the conquest. The combined attitudes range from "once more for old time's sake" to "god it was good back then." The many happy returns are likely to stop when the woman remarries, but until then, the ex hubby may cuss her all day to his buddies, but he will smile and be nice long enough to again enjoy coupling up with her for those magic minutes which never get old.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Your relationship started out as deceit ( her cheating on her ex) so you knew from the get go that trust was that important to her, apperently.
Even if she told you what you wanted to hear, do you really think you would magically start to trust her again?
Personally, being untrustworthy is a no-no in my book. It's a trait I think most people can not really change about themselves. It becomes an almost compulsion.
She sounds like she doesn't know what (or who) she really wants, but is with you because it is convenient (for now).
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