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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hi all I am from conservative indian family. I am 24 and financially independent. I met my ex 6 years back on school. We fell in love . The relationship was intense and serious. All my school and college friends knew we were together. His parents were happy and approved the relationship. We had all ups and down in the past yet we were together. By time we learnt to be matured more and things were good. There was no hope that my parents would approve him. I wanted to move out of country for masters. I don't remember exactly what happened that day he was drunk . He said in call he wanted to break up and just left like that. It was painfull. I thought to call him tried few times but he declined meeting me. So for 7 months he didn't contact me or tried to give a closure. It hurts me still yet I didn't tell this to anyone except his parents. They tried talking to him but he didn't speak out at all.Now I could say like I am okay . I made new friends and fine. Still I cry at times. It is been 7 months and I think it is time to think about my future. Please answer and clarify these questions (remember I am an Indian )1) I didn't tell anyone about break up because it would create too many questions and tarnish his and my image to anyone in office or old friends. To avoid all of them I am planning to move out of country or join new office . Is that fine ?2) Honestly I don't wanna get married or date anyone as of now. But my parents would like to get me married in couple of years. I had few intimate moments with me yet I am virgin. I am worried that people would badmouth about me if they come to know I married someone else . And also would my spouse accept my past ?3) before meeting my ex I never had wish to get married or settle down . All I wanted was to adopt kid and start some NGO for kids. Should I go ahead with the same ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2018): In response to your first question; it's better to be open and candid about things that can happen to just about anybody. Hiding things to keep-up or preserve a perfect-image becomes living a lie. Questions arise out of nosiness and curiosity; but you can always politely (or bluntly) decline responding to very personal-questions. Your relationship is private. Learn to set boundaries.
Hiding imperfections and pretending to have a perfect-life, is an illusion that some people become obsessed with. Living in deception is really only lying to yourself. It's delusional. Those closest to you will find-out the truth someway or somehow; and that's when you'll feel hard-pressed to come clean and be honest. Then you'll have to explain the reason for deception. Clear the air and free yourself. Starting-over means leaving nothing behind that will catch-up with you; carrying no baggage, and starting from a clean-slate.
In response to your second question. You need not remind me you are Indian; as it was clearly indicated at the beginning of your post. The fact is, that your parents are Indian; and apparently traditional/old-school in their way of thinking. They will always pressure you to marry and have children; as parents of all cultures do. It is also likely that if you don't show signs of moving in that direction; they will feel compelled to begin the process of finding someone for you. Again, you will have to be upfront and candid about your feelings, and plans for your future. You will have to explain to them that marriage is not your top-priority at this time; but ask them to bear with you as you pursue your goals, and other interests. You promise to make them proud of you.
People as young as you are change their goals mid-stream. You have this glorious plan today; and a year from now you're on a totally different path. Just be certain of what you want.
People will bad-mouth you without cause or justification. They don't always wish to see you prosper; especially if you cross them somehow. There is no way to avoid that. You can't please or satisfy everyone; nor can you stop gossipy-tongues from wagging. Which is another reason you should be honest about your break-up. I'm not sure of what your concerns are about your past. You don't have to publicize or expose every detail of your relationship. People aren't stupid, they will either make presumptions; or draw their own conclusions about things. It would take an army to chase-down every source of gossip about you. You have to correct the lies when necessary; and ignore human-stupidity, unless it has an illegal or a direct adverse-effect on your life. You can't control opinions. Sometimes you have to implement damage-control, only if that is humanly-possible. Don't sweat the small-stuff.
You won't know what a spouse will or won't accept; until you meet the man, and cross that bridge. If your virginity is still intact; there isn't much to tell. You once had a boyfriend. You weren't raised in a birdcage. If you're not a virgin, a man with conservative-ways may have some questions. As I said, cross that bridge when you get there.
If virginity is a strict prerequisite for marriage; then you will have to decline his marriage-proposal. If you've had a boyfriend in the past; it will come as no surprise to others if you're not a virgin. How long can they hold it against you? You raise questions if you don't get married, and you'll raise them if you're not a virgin. So all that's left is the truth.
If you come to marry someone else, they will attribute your actions or choices to being of a younger-generation. The ways of a strong-woman. They will simply presume you have a more progressive-mindset than that of your own traditional or conservative parents. If you are financially-independent, and move away from home; that in itself prepares everyone for whatever you do. Independent-women make their own choices. Traditions and old-culture is challenged as times change. You can't stop time, technology, or human-progress.
If your parents didn't approve of your ex, at least they will be happy that he didn't ultimately become their son-in-law. You can't please everyone; so sometimes in life you must please yourself. You cannot anticipate every possible bad-incident or obstacle that may arise in life. That's what makes life a challenge. You simply prepare to deal with the worse-case scenario; and attempt to seek the best solution for the best possible outcome. Apply the things you've learned along your life's journey. Seek wisdom from among your elders; and make wise choices based on common-sense, and seeking facts.
You cannot always please people with your choices. Somebody is always going to oppose your decisions. You are an adult, and entitled to your own opinions and choices. In spite of some cultural-traditions that remain and are preserved; India is not that backward among the more educated and sophisticated folk. In general, there is always opposition when women show ambition; or have a powerful self-awareness. The challenge is overcoming ignorance, not culture.
In response to the last question, this is how I see it. If you decide to move-away from home, you should have the freedom to make whatever life-decisions you like. That doesn't mean you won't receive push-back and disapproval from your parents or family. Some things they will simply have to accept; because you are an adult, and there isn't much they can do about it. Disapproval comes with parenting. Parents are hypocritical, and good at pretending they've always listened to their own parents; and were never your age. Then they also feel jealous to see you rebellious enough to seek your own path. They will also threaten you with rejection as a means to regain control. You have a brain and a will. They can stubbornly hate their own flesh and blood; and force you to accept their rejection. Or, they can support you. Sooner or later, you will outgrow their control.
They will give you drama, and they may make threats; but out of love, they will calm-down and adapt to the successful decisions that you make. As long as those decisions are wise, make them proud, are borne of sound logic, and they make you happy. I think your parents, and others, will simply come to admire your strength and ability to plot your own course in life. They will see the strength and true-determination in you; that you've inherited from one, or both of them.
Your choices are either pleasing your parents, or taking-on the challenge to pursue your dreams. The question is, are you strong enough to live with the consequences of your decisions? It's easy to tell you to go for it. Only you know what you're strong enough to deal with; and willing to endure, in pursuit of your dreams.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 July 2018):
 First off... I'm sorry it didn't work out. It happens.
1) you can move out of the country but really you will only be running from your problems, emotional baggage goes where YOU go. But if you go for your masters out of the country it will give you some time away from the people who might gossip and "tarnish" your reputation. However, I think you need to OWN your actions. You CHOSE to date a guy your parent would not approve of. And to date him for 6 years. If someone passes that information on there is nothing you can do, you can't control what other people do, feel, say or think. And you can't change the past either.
2) don't date or marry anyone right now if you don't want to. Again, own your actions. If you DO find someone to marry BE honest with him. What other people say shouldn't matter IF you are honest with a partner. That will be between him and you. If HE can trust you and you can trust him. your reputation AND virginity is irrelevant if you can't be honest with the person you want/agree to marry. There would be NO need for him to get all the nitty gritty details but BASIC truth I think is vital. REGARDLESS of your cultural background. I would suggest that IF you decide to date/ marry you find someone who has an open mind. Someone who can RESPECT and TRUST you.
3) I'd hold off on adopting kids. Starting an NGO sounds like a good thing but I would finish the master's first - then look into building a NGO. That will give you some years to see where you are in life.
Lastly, OP your ex doesn't OWE you closure. I know people use closure as a be all end all, and it's not. YOU find your own closure. It shouldn't be too hard to accept that he no longer saw a future with you (maybe because o your parents) and he CHOSE to just cut you off. 6 years in a relationship is a long time when you know that an ACTUAL future together is not going happen. He might even have decided that he is done wasting his time and wants to be with someone who WANTS him, wants to INCLUDE him and down the line marry him.
Take one thing at a time. If you can go aboard to study, do so. If that is what you want. Maybe some distance can help you move on.
Just remember to not be a hypocrite. Don't date someone if there is no future. It's not fair to them. If you can not introduce them to your parents as your BF, what's the point? To live some kind of sham relationship? If your culture dictates that Indian women don't DATE before marriage. Either you LIVE by your culture or you don't.
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