A
female
age
36-40,
*issIndecisive
writes:I feel like my whole life depends on the decision I need to make and yet I'm completely unable to actually make it.....I'm 23 yrs old. I have a 2 yr old daughter. My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 16 except for about 8 months a year ago. I live with my bf and right now we live with his parents bcuz of money issues (he wouldn't get a job). I hate living here and ever since we moved here 6 months ago all our issues we had before are at the extreme. I feel like I am no longer in love with my bf. I love him to death and thinking of hurting him or leaving him tears my heart to shreds but there are some issues I feel like I can no longer ignore. I dnt feel like he thinks of me as his gf anymore.. which makes sense since we pretty much never have sex anymore. Which is mostly my fault but the thought of him even touching me makes me cringe and I dont really even like kissing him anymore. I think it has to do with the fact that he cheated on me and went to a bunch of strip clubs and did whatever he wanted for 8 months while I took care of our daughter. I should tell you though that when we were first together he never really turned me on very much either.. Anyways I could go on and on but here are the good and bad things about my bf. Bad: He is very messy, very obsessive, doesnt give any interest to anything I have to say or am interested in, he's addicted to marijuana, he has way different priorities then me, can't save a dime, always has to be the one talking and constantly calls me stupid and tries to prove he is smarter then me, is not skilled in bed AT ALL, has a temper, never compliments me unless he is trying to get sex, does things like make me food and do chores to try and tell me that I need to forget about messed up things he has done within that day/week, always has to have his way and will sacrifice my happiness to get it, he steals things to get money to buy the things he is obsessed about like game consoles and that kind of stuff, and he feels like everyone should do what he tells them to or he gets even, he also will verbally abuse me when we are fighting saying things like i'm an evil person and a bad mother and pathetic. Good: He's a good father, he's been my best friend for 7 yrs, he protects me and stands up for me against other ppl, he does a lot of random stuff for me like brings me food and does laundry and takes care of my daughter, he is a part of my family and everyone in my family including non-immediate family members know and like him, he knows everything about me and was there when I needed him when I had my daughter, I feel like I can trust him as long as it is with something really important we agree on, I know he will always make sure I have somewhere to live and food to eat no matter what. It's really hard for me to put this into perspective for someone else but I feel like he is two ppl.. the boy/man I love and feel more comfortable with then anyone in the world, and then there is the man that hasn't grown up yet and can't focus on what is important...While we were broken up I met this other guy that I used to work with when we were all teenagers and he admitted to me he has been in love with me since then and we started going out all the time and I have very strong feelings for him. As soon as my bf(not bf then) started seeing this he insisted he wanted to get back together(after originally saying we should be apart when he cheated on me) and within a matter of a couple weeks entwined hisself right back into my life like he never left. Now my heart is torn between these two men. The other man is more like me, we get along great and the sexual chemistry is something i've never had before in my life, he has his own house his own car and a good job and he begs me every day to leave my bf and come live with him and to bring my daughter. You would think the answer is simple right but I tried to do exactly what he wanted and left my bf for a whooping 3 hrs before I freaked out and drove right back home. I feel like i'm a prisoner to the loyalty and comfortability I have for my bf and it blinds me and makes me incapable of coming even close to a decision.. Im not gonna pretend i've been an angel in this whole thing bcuz I smoke pot with him even though I know it is a culprit in this whole situation and I have allowed him to steal things i've wanted too even though I know we shouldn't, I also am very ashamed about the way i have acted before during a heated argument calling him names and saying things I never would have guessed i'd ever say to him. Another factor is that I fear for my daughter's childhood, I don't want to do anything that will effect the way she is brought up and I don't want her to come from a broken home and wonder why mommy and daddy don't live together. I can't take any of this anymore it is eating at me but when i sit and think of the future I see myself still parked right where I am getting more and more depressed by the day, I need someone to understand my situation and help me figure out why I'm not doing something to help myself...how do you know what the right thing to do is? I'm terrified of making a wrong move and regretting it forever... help plz!
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female
reader, MissIndecisive +, writes (24 January 2010):
MissIndecisive is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much both of you for your answers. I know that moving in with the other guy would be very confusing and hard for my daughter, that's prbably one of the biggest reasons I haven't done it. Unfortunately it's pretty much my only option if I did decide to leave my bf. I only work part time and right now where I live it is extremely hard to find a job that is full time and good money which is the only way i would be able to afford to live on my own. Also another reason I haven't moved in with this guy is bcuz for some reason or another it just doesn't feel right... Not sure why bcuz he has pretty much offered me everything I want out of life but it's hard for me to imagine being the way I am with my bf with anyone else. Since i wrote this question originally things have actually been kinda mellow around here which is always confusing for me bcuz then I wonder if maybe it's not as hopeless as i thought. I know that my bf loves me but i wish there was some way to pull him out of the cycle we are both stuck in bcuz I'm ready to be an adult and worry about the things that matter instead of our habits we've had since we were young. When I try to reason with him he is in denial and acts as if I'm talking crazy, but there have been times he has admitted to me that the things he does are wrong and that he is dependent on marijuana and he shouldn't be.. but then the next day it's like it was never said... Idunno I hope that somehow things will fall into place soon.. I'm tired of feeling so hopeless.
A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (22 January 2010):
 Aww, I really feel for you. I think the idea of leaving your boyfriend and immediately jumping into another huge relationship (by moving in with this other guy) would make ANYONE freak out. Its an incredibly gigantic leap to make. Is there any way that you could possibly live on your own for a while, and once on your own, just date this other guy first? It sounds like you have a support system for your daughter in your boyfriend, like he would help you take care of her while you worked. It sounds as though the two of you are already acting like friends who aren't really together so maybe breaking up with him might not be that hard.
Don't stay with him out of a sense of obligation. My parents stayed together, and it made my mother crazy and my father distant. I think it would have been better for everyone if she had actually left. Sometimes, I think people can't really grow when they stay with the same partner they found in their teens, you need to be forced to make new, more mature emotional bonds.
In any case, good luck to you! Don't beat yourself up too much and I hope it all works out.
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