A
female
age
36-40,
*arrisal2
writes:I'm in a bit of a pickle. One that I never ever imagined myself being in.Over the summer I met a friend of my roommate. (We'll call him "A") When I met him, I had just started seeing someone else, but I continued hanging out with A. There was a strong physical attraction between us and he was there for me when I was going through a really rough time. A couple months later things ended because I made the *very difficult* decision to continue dating the first guy (not A). Needless to say, I knew I had severed that friendship.After the guy I chose and I broke up, I met another guy, "B". The first time we met there was instant chemistry. We were on the same level in terms of education and intelligence. We both were very physically attracted to each other. Like I said, it was instant and it was strong. We've talked and hung out since then (this was...mid November that we met). He was coming out of a very serious long-term relationship that ended with her cheating on him. So we decided to take things slow since he wasn't (and still isn't) ready to start a relationship. He's told me that he likes me and wants to get to know me and has said that I was the first girl he could picture himself dating since his ex.No pickle yet, right? Wrong.A is back. We made up before Thanksgiving and have been talking again. Which is awesome because he is a really good guy. Like, the nicest guy you could ever meet. (That's not even an exageration - he is the nicest guy I've met since coming to school out here and possibly ever.) This weekend a group of us were hanging out and things just kind of fell back to where they were over the summer and we started kissing.I'm conflicted. When I was with A this weekend, it felt right. It felt like that's where I belonged. My problem is that I don't know that we really have anything in common or anything to talk about. He's into farming stuff and very small town and (there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with this but) content with the associates degree in auto mechanic stuff. He has no problem staying in town and never leaving. I'm afraid the connection we have is purely physical.With B, he's not ready for a relationship yet (which is totally understandable - four months after a four year relationship isn't enough time for most people). The connection is there almost 100%. He has the education level that, to me, is so attractive (he's getting his PhD...*sigh* haha). We have a lot in common and can talk about everything. However, he just inherited some land in Western Nebraska and is really excited to move out there. (I know it's really far into the future, but I tend to do that when I make decisions. I'm a long-term girl, I don't like flings). I don't know that there's anything out there for me, especially since I'm looking to get a post-bac degree in psychology.I don't know what to do. I would hate to put A back in that spot - especially since he and his friends have finally forgiven me for the summer and he's more ready for a relationship than B. I just think that when B tells me he's ready, I'd go to him. I don't know how to make it sound better but I'd wait for him. I truely believe this guy is worth me waiting for. I've changed a lot because I want to be a better person for him - I don't want him to have any doubts that I'm like his ex's. However, like I mentioned earlier, I'm planning on going to grad school. I'm in my last semester as an undergrad. And the closest grad school is five hours away. I want a relationship but I know how difficult it will be once I go to grad school. I'm willing to try it if they are and I don't want to NOT take the chance because of that.My major question is - what do I do? I want this to go over with as little hurt as possible. I know if I do a repeat of the summer everyone will get hurt. But do I go with the guy who I don't have as much in common with but is ready to start something or the guy who I can talk to for hours and hours and hours but isn't ready to date yet? I know this post was long, and I appologize. I just am so torn and confused.Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): I have two guys, Scott an Sean, I have been with sean before but I left him then I met Scott. I fell for Scott and I dated him for a month until sean came back into my life... Slowly I started to fall for sean again and I don't know who to choose to be with again, both asked to be with me many time and I tell them the truth but it doesn't seem to stop them, they still try to get my love, and it works. I fall for them every time, and it seems that nomatter what I try they/ I will alway love them/me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): You say: "I just think that when B tells me he's ready, I'd go to him. I don't know how to make it sound better but I'd wait for him. I truely believe this guy is worth me waiting for."
And he matches you intellectually, and you can actually talk about interesting things together, and he's inherited land (well, not so important than the first two points, but it sure don't hurt). And you can still do grad school (I'm sure there's a university in Nebraska!) :) There's certainly online studies you can do.
My bet is to go with "B"! :)
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A
female
reader, harrisal2 +, writes (11 January 2010):
harrisal2 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Actually, B is into me. He's told me so. I don't mean to get defensive but you're wrong. He's told me over and over again that the only reason we aren't dating is because he isn't ready yet. It's not that he doesn't WANT to date me he just doesn't want me to be his rebound girl. Or the girl who he uses for sex. The thing is - if I tell B that I don't want anything to do with him, he would be hurt.
The real issue I think is - do I turn someone down for what could happen when he's ready or do I give up on what could be the best thing because of timing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Hi,
Well what a predicament!! Your so torn between the two that you are 'possibly' missing a few things. So please let me assist you as best I can. You are now in a situation where you will HAVE to at some point make a choice, you owe it to yourself as well as 'A' & 'B' as you call them. Delaying will drive you crazy, trust me on that one! You are young and have a great life in front of you, you really do not need to be putting yourself through this stress, dont worry, life is full of stress so you wont miss out!
The way I see it, you are not ready for either. you dont sound small town to me, and as you have said, if 'B' suddenly wanted a relationship you would be there for him, So where does that leave 'A'? You need to tell him that you wish to be no more than friends and release him to find his own happiness. Just because he is 'ready' for a relationship does not make him the right person for you. I mean, whats the hurry? If he was so good you would not even think about'B' much less consider waiting for him.
Speaking of 'B', Can you honestly say he really is 'THAT' good? because if he was, you would not be asking for advice here, you would already 'KNOW'
You need to trust fate a little and realise 'what is meant to be, will be' instead of you chasing guys, why not let yourself get chased after. You sound a great person and I think you should just concentrate on your studies and stop worrying so much over this. If either 'A' OR 'B' are your true partner in life they will come to you. Lets hope you dont meet a 'C'!!
Finally no matter what, wether you heed my advice or go your own way, you will have to make some choices and they will lead to someone getting hurt, dont mess around, it sounds hard but just be honest with these guys and tell the truth. Dont keep them hanging on, you know what you gotta do, I wont keep you a moment longer!
good luck
Dave from the UK
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