A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About 5 months ago, I got out of a 3 year relationship that turned abusive, and I am now currently dating this guy that I have known for about 6 years. We started out as friends, and for the past 3 months have been dating. I have really begun to care for him. Recently, he has been very stand-offish. We will text and he will respond with one word answers and when I tell him things he will say "I don't care". I had a talk with him about it all this morning, and he has told me that I am needy and clingy and that he is not wanting a relationship right now. I respected that, but now I feel like I need to seriously change. I don't know how to deal with what I am feeling. I want a boyfriend that will be there for me and someone who will want to talk to me, etc. I am honestly afraid of being alone. How do I approach changing myself for the better? And should I even attempt this relationship I am in again in the future?
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Your last question is not entirely clear. "And should I even attempt this relationship I am in again in the future?"
If I am reading it correctly, then no. You should not attempt a relationship with this man in the future (you’re not in one with him anymore)... or hold onto a hope that there could be a relationship in the future... Again, not sure if I understand what you are asking.
How to not be clingy:
It’s a simple recipe. It involves the following: embracing being single and learning about yourself. Sounds scary to you, I know... Hear me out.
There are TONS of girls who are single and LOVING it! There must be a reason they do.
Until you've figured out what that is, "fake it". Pretend you like being single and it is what feels best for you right now. Do the things that happy single girls do. They go to clubs and bars with their girlfriends and DON'T look to meet men. They get dressed up for the fun of being dressed up and dance for the fun of dancing. Explore your interests. Are there any hobbies you wanted to get into, but didn't have the time before? Make new friends and enjoy those you already have. Do things that make you feel pretty. When someone asks if you are ok after your recent break-up, you say “YES! Actually, it is for the best!” in as cheerful a voice as you can (without sounding fake). Hey, maybe you can even say you are relieved.
You are clingy because you are afraid to be alone. You are insecure and do not have the confidence to try being happy AND single. I enjoy hanging out with my girlfriends, my boyfriend and my family, but sometimes, I just want to be by myself. I want to be able to read without feeling like I should be company for someone or watching what I want on television without compromising or getting a manicure and pedicure, sipping coffee with no one to interrupt my thoughts. I am TONS of fun to hang out with. So are you.
If you can embrace being alone, you will a) not settle for just any guy so you have a boyfriend. You will only commit to worthy men, because you will not want to give up the fun of the single life for just anyone, and b) you will be a whole person all by yourself, and will respect your future boyfriend's need for space. You will share that need for space and will want to hold onto that part of you that makes you happiest. That will also make you more interesting to future boyfriend prospects and they will miss you (instead of you always missing them), which will also keep them interested longer.
Give it a try. It's actually a LOT of fun and a LOT more rewarding.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): It's good that you have recognised that you are afraid of being alone because some people never do realise and go lurching from one relationship to another.
Why not try doing some things with friends, independently of a man, so that you feel more confident in your ability to have a life without one. That doesn't have to mean not bothering with him, just finding a life of your own. It's a bit like having a safety net for if you fall. While you are too dependent on him you will also depend too much on his opinion, which gives him too much power. Even things out - build up your own life. You will not need to be afraid then.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): You sound very sweet and sad. If you feel that you are truly clingy and needy, then perhaps you have self esteem issues. You sound like you lack self confidence.You need a success in your life and success breeds confidence to stand up for yourself and know you can survive on your own. You define yourself. No one owns you or defines you. With that said, how do you get there?You need to make a promise to yourself and commit to making a personal life change. Go out and take on an activity that will give you a sense of accomplishment and success. It could be joining a volunteer group that fixes homes for the poor, volunteering at a homeless shelter, joining a sports team, or start running or biking with a goal of entering a marathon. Maybe just set a goal to lose 20 pounds and work hard to get there. Make a commitment and stick with it. Don't cave.You need to start with small successes and build on those to take on harder things in life. Once you have confidence you can tell your boyfriend that you "don't care" and for him to go fuck himself. When you stop being a doormat and taking shit from people, they will appreciate you more.Lift up your head lil' buckeroo! PS - There are nice guys out there.
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