A
male
age
51-59,
*axola
writes:My question relates to breaking destructive relationship patterns. I am gay but this is not a gay-specific issue.My typical short-lived relationship begins with my attempting to make everything perfect and impressive. Eventually, say by the third date, my partner will begin to see (I think) imperfections in me, and when I perceive this happening, it makes me very disappointed and insecure with myself and consequently the "relationship" itself. Sometimes there are clear signals of dissatisfaction on the part of the other person, maybe small, and this sparks great fear/disappointment in me. I typically look for (and find) signs that the "relationship" will soon end, because of my failures or faults. To protect my self image, though, I will stoop to accusations/blaming the other person, in order to end the "relationship" without having to deal with the threats posed to my self-image. How to break this cycle? As you can probably imagine, I am very unhappy. I am not a young person, and may very well be doomed to solitude. But I have come to see the problem objectively now, whereas I could not before.
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male
reader, Kepi  +, writes (16 February 2009):
 Hey :)
You are right in saying this is not a gay related issue, we all go thru similar situations where we try (just that little bit too hard) to make things perfect.
Your thoughts that you partner (may) see your imperfections is related to your self esteem, are you generally a confident person?? When people are dating its a chance to get to know each other, and hopefully, find a mutual attraction, any 'imperfections' can be seen as endearing rather than as faults. When people develop feelings for each other any imperfections are ignored or seen as something that makes u uniquely 'you'
Think about it, if there were these problems would there be a second or even third date. We all have self esteem issues to one level or another, but we shouldn't let them come in the way of looking for a potential partner.
I can cite from my own experience, I am tall, bald and fat, but I am good company and enjoy life, after meeting a young lady half my age i was surprised to find that we really clicked and more or less moved in from day one, my weight was my issue, but, magically, I lost the bulk, of course she is pleased with the results but when I asked her what she saw in a much older bald fat guy (oh, its important you know its bald by choice not hair loss LOL) she said, its cos I make her laff and she feels relaxed with me, the weight, well altho obvious was not an issue!!! Wow.
So, even tho u might percieve your own imperfections don't dwell on them, they're not important.
Also similar to you, I have searched for reasons for the relationships failure, its self destructive, and if you continue looking you will find reasons, and you will be able to justify why you were right when things do eventually fail, all because of your actions, now, as to how to deal with that, I wish I had the answer cos I'm still struggling with that one myself, but, I have found that a shoulder to cry on (or at least to whinge to) does help. Maybe look at the dating side of things as window shopping instead of potential life partner (I know I'm making an assumption there, but I'm sure u understand what I'm saying - you have to kiss a lot of frogs till u find your prince :) )
Take the dates as dates, a chance to get out, meet new people and see if the spark is there.
Maybe spend a little less effort in trying to make things so perfect, I have found that the female of the speices become more interested when you take a less 'in your face', perfection led attitude, take control but don't stress if things go wrong, it can make things more interesting.
As for the age thing......... come on, you're as young as u feel, at 48 I thought I'd never settle into a relationship cos I'm an old bugger, but I was wrong, enjoy life, don't look on the negatives, concentrate on the positives :)
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