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age
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*pedie0802
writes:I hope someone can give me good advice.3.5 years ago I divorced the father of my two girls (Guy #1), ages now are 21 and 15. 2 years ago I married someone else (Guy #2), he has 4 children, but one is grown (in his 30's) and the other 3 live with their mom out of state.It was agreed in the beginning that the discipline of my girls was to be left up to me and their natural father.Last March, me and guy #2 got divorced for financial reasons. Guy #2 could keep a job, but barely above poverty level. Me, on the other hand, have always been a saver and make good money. The financial reasons were: Guy #2 was considerably behind in his child support. Not only did the income tax refund get taken and the tax stimulus check taken, but I was fearful the state would dip into our joint bank account, put a lien on the 2 vehicles I owned and put a lien on my home because we live in community property state. I saw this happen to my brother when he was thousands behind in his child support obligation.Guy #2 has been around sometimes and sometimes not since March. I enjoy his company, but I feel like he just wants to be there for the benefits, without the responsibility. I charged him no rent, paid his cell and car insurance, food, etc. I just wouldn't pay his child support.Now, he is not a total slouch. He did the lawn, often did laundry, sometimes cooked, and helped me tile 2 bathroom floors. He is not lazy around the house. However, I paid all bills, except his child support.Two weeks ago, he gets mad at me...tells me I am a bad mother, a bad person, tells me I am still in love with Guy #1, etc. Guy #1 lives far away in a different state. I don't talk to Guy #1 about personal issues. We take care of our daughter and cooperate on that level, almost exclusively. Oh, sometimes I might send him a funny chain letter or joke (maybe 5 times a year) and I did talk to him 2 weeks after his mom died about what happened to his mom via email, but I had known his mom for over 20 years.Guy #2 says I am a bad mother because my 15 year old has little rules. She is a good kid. She doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't run around the neighborhood. She is a good student. She is a home-body. She is responsible for her room, which isn't up to my standard of cleanliness, but it isn't a fire hazard. She picks up her own dishes and puts then in the sink. If I ask her to help me with heavier work, she does without hesitation.My Guy #2 says I should have more rules for her. I am afraid to do so because of one big reason. Guy #1 told me he would snatch her if she was in an unhealthy environment. Up until a year ago, Guy #1 made it his personal hobby cost me in court just as much as he could. I think I spent $8000 last year in court battles with him. I know my 15 year old is beyond the point where she can choose to live with me or dad. Not only am I scared of her father and his threats, but I want to keep the peace with my 15 year old.If child support were to end, and I had to pay child support, then it would require a dramatic change that I don't know I could pull off. I purchased a home last November for one thing. I make good enough money where the state would extract from me the most out of me for child support - which is $1,200 a month. Net loss would be $1,905 dollars a month - loss of child support of $705 a month and $1200 a month out of my budget.Plus, I haven't lived in my house long enough to have any equity. I'd have to sell it at a loss and go in the hole for the costs to the real estate agents to sell it.I just want the drama to end. I have no friends. I have no family locally except my daughter. My whole life is wrapped up in my 40 hour a week job and has been wrapped up in Guy #2 and my daughter.Am I being unreasonable? I grew up in an abusive home, had to make my own way since I was emancipated at age 16. I am 45 now. I don't want to live on the street again.Guy #2 just rented a room somewhere for $395 a month. This last weekend he had a police escort at my house to get his stuff. I don't know where that came from! I was happily doing stuff around the house and there was a knock at the door. It was a surprise.How do I balance this all out? How do I try to have an environment where everyone is okay and can be happy?Should I tell Guy #2 to pack sand, and by the way, his car insurance is terminated effective immediately, and he gets no time with me and to go on about his life? Or "Am I Crazy?"I guess I am crazy for divorcing Guy #1. That divorce was understandable, and I don't need to go into it here. And, I am absolutely crazy for even thinking that I could have male companionship of any type until my daughter is grown and gone. I will be almost 50 by then and not very marketable.
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female
reader, Jazz103  +, writes (12 October 2008):
I just have to post my thoughts on your dialemma because, although the facts are not the same, I feel I am in a similar position to me. As far as I am concerned, the core sentence is "I grew up in an abusive home". I perceive you are trying to make sure that that never happens to your child. You are also putting everyone else first but yourself although ultimately you have taken action when your child's welfare is at stake. I also perceive you are thinking twice about your first divorce. My feeling is don't. You divorced for a reason and that reason will still hold, trust your judgment. You are also questioning your decision about husband no. 2. Don't. Anyone reading your post independently will tell you that he is a bad lot. Don't listen to him. Don't make excuses for him. Trust your judgment as it seems good. My biggest advice is you must give yourself time for yourself. I spent 18 months running from one man to another, long telephone calls to relatives, long emails from friends. All that advice played its part. In the end I realised that the only person who can make decisions is yourself. If you are too exhausted and confused life will run you instead of the other way around.Bad, bad things were happening to me because I was allowing them to and my children were suffereing as a result. In the end my doctor wrote me off work for 6 days. In that time I realised I was doing too much. I went back to my employed and said I would only work a four day week and part of every day at home. Although it didn't fit what they wanted I was too good an employee to lose and now I work hours tailored around my life. Overall I am slightly better off as I have no childcare costs and I have had time to negotiate lower loan repayments.So take time out and think about a different way.Also stand up for what you believe in. My brothers just took me to court. The issue has been going on for two years almost. I didn't back down even on the day under pressure from their very expensive lawyer. I was facing a huge costs bill. Guess what, I won. Afterwards one brother came straight over and said secretly he wanted me to win and how good I had been representing myself in person. We hugged. I approached my other brother to shake his hand and even though his lawyer tried to bar me, he moved towards me and we hugged. I arranged to meet them all for dinner next week. They have caused me huge suffering but they were misguided and I don't bear grudges.So, think what is right (and I think you know). Give yourself time (you deserve it). Trust your judgment. And get on with life. Oh and the man thing. I know exactly what you mean. I am 46. However I look amazing and men are very simple and nice if you let them be. No-one would ever guess my age and there is no need to tell everyone is there? Desperate Housewives has doen a great service for us. I find I am chased by young men. It is a numbers game. If and when you want a man then you will find one. Women alsways find a reason to do themselves down, too fat, too this, too that. Men actually don't care that much. Yes men like young women because there is that imperitive to have kids but lots of men don't want that. Unlike yesteryear older women are very much desired. At the moment I am trying to get my ex boyfriend to move on as he is still mooning about me. he is 26 and he is just that bit too young ; ).Good luck !!!
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 August 2008):
 What I am finding is that the men who want us are a little younger-say 5 years. It's ok with me because I tend to keep active and fit and "withit".
Look at Madonna. She should be your role model...of a 50 something woman whose got it going on.
And yes, you are right, many of the guys our age are out there looking for the younger model.
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A
female
reader, Spedie0802 +, writes (26 August 2008):
Spedie0802 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for responding to my question.
wwwchristy - you are right, I wouldn't have gotten here if I didn't have the strength.
dearkelja: Where are all the decent men who want someone our age? I can't seem to find them!
Guy #2 is supposed to come by tomorrow after work. I'm going to tell him to get lost.
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A
female
reader, wwwchrissy +, writes (26 August 2008):
 I absolutely feel for you. I could cry. You did suggest that maybe guy #2 should pack sand...i think you know deep down that he should. If things turned out in the way you think they might you will hate yourself and him for ever more. Loosing everything you have for what? Your daughter is 15 years old, a young woman in todays world. She sounds like a good girl who doesnt cause you any problems. Intruducing new rules to her now is sure to cause a change in her, and would be unfair at this stage in her life. Is he jealous of your relationship with her? Men are 10 to a penny darling and do you know how many eligible men there are for 50 year old women?? millions!! do not sell yourself short,to sopport a man means you have a good heart, you have a good job, a great daughter, your own home, total financial independance! You are a "CATCH" lady. Find the strength, you know you have it or you wouldnt have what you have today. :o)
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 August 2008):
I am kind of in your shoes so the advice I am giving you is what I would do. Ditch guy #2. You don't need the added emotional and financial stress. Sounds like guy #1 could get your daughter just because of what guy #2 is doing to both you financially and also he should butt out of the parental role of your daughter. Especially now with things the way they are. Make sure you are there for your daughter and go about your life. Find a hobby that you enjoy (I just joined a pool league) and get out and meet some people who will be friends with you. Having companionship doesn't have to always be that man thing. I enjoy nights out with the girls-it's always a good time. Having a date now and again is fine but you are just out of a serious relationship so you need to focus on you and your daughter.
And I will tell you that I am turning 50 next year and I beg your pardon, I think I am quite marketable. I think you will be too. Age is just a number. And besides, you will automatically be more marketable when your daughter is grown and gone.
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