A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my marriage is on the brink because i dont get along with my 9 and 10 year old stepkids. i have been married for over 3 years. i love my husband and dont want to lose him. i dont get along with his ex and am having a hard time with the kids. everyone feels like they are being torn. i am in therapy for this as well, but still feel like it's going nowhere??? please help me at least try to like them and get along with them, because honestly i dont really like them and now am resenting them even more because my husband might leave me because of them??? i need advice....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): I know exactly where you're coming from. I've been married now for 12 years and my husbands daughter has been with us for those 12 years. His ex wife doesn't like me so therefore has thrown remarks into my step daughters head to disobey me. I've not had an easy time with her and this has cripled my marriage too. This is something I've learned over the course of 12 years, and I hope and pray we'll be able to go somewhere from this. First things first. The Bible tell us to be submissive to our husbands. Let him do all the discipline. Just take notes and let the kids know that there daddy will hear about this. Let him deal with it however he chooses. If the child doesn't turn out right, you have washed your hands clean of it, becuase God has exused you and your husband is now responsible. The kids once older will look back and come around and like you and you them too. The only thing you need to do is build that relationship with the kids. They will never have respect for you if you discipline them. Always put God first. Pray daily for your husband and step children. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband and out of the view of the children. Also, Let your husband know that the children must respect you and he needs to let the kids know that. Keep strong and steadfast, and I'll say a prayor for you now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): hi
I'm in the same situation as you. I am 24 with one child and another on the way with my husband who has 2 kids from a previous relationship. I do have problems adjusting to having step kids because it's not so easy even though I could love my husband dearly. To be honest, I have trouble absorbing the idea that he has kids with someone else. Though I knew this before we were together. But a problem is a problem and it will never go away out of my head. I know I can't change the nature of things, when people have sex, they have kids. It's normal. But when it comes to knowing the person you love did it with someone else, it REALLY HURTS! REgardless if it was before you or after (that's even worse). But, I can suggest that the two of you take some time, talk it out, and do things with common sense and respect for each other. You don't have to like the kids, you don't have to like the ex but do certain things that you think is good for your husband just because you plainly love the guy. Sometimes life cannot go the way you want them to go. Someone can tell me, well the kids are innocent, they are the victims. Sure they are but so am I? I wasn't there for the fun or excitement when they were in bed, so why should I be ok with it now? Or, it's not my fault that they have kids and then have problems so they broke up. Why should I like them? Well, you don't have to too. Just try to do things with respect to the husband. I personally think about things like this when I see my stepkids, and it hurts. Not because I want to hurt myself, but it is natural. If they are just kids, then let's say I go out and sleep with someone else, cheating on my husband one day, then come home pregnant. Would he accept that??? Of course not, so how could he expect me to be ok with everything relating to his kids????? you can argue that it is wrong to cheat, but hey, my cheated pregnancy, that baby is as innocent as his kids! Isn't it? So why can't he be ok with that too??? TRue or not? So overall, I can suggest to you to do things for your husband only, not his kids, not his ex. ANd he too should respect you and do things for you too not for his kids but for the goodness of his new family with you. Because if he wants to raise his kids the way he wants to at the same time raising a family with you, well, sorry to say, he can't have BOTH. Just one or the other. If he does, then he shouldn't have left them in the first place regardless what the situation was with his ex. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): This really is a tough one. Have you ever liked the kids? Do they like and respect you? What is it that you dont like about these kids? Do they live with you?
Try and see things from their point of view. They didnt ask to be put in this situation. All kids would love their mum and dad to stay together no matter what. They remember the loving days and blot out the bad ones. They split up and you came along. Where you friendly to them at first. They possibly felt lonely and isolated at first especially if they live with you. Or, if you only have them on a short term, say weekends, they may not know the real you.
I can relate to exs,cos if you read my answers you would know that I HATE EXS with a passion. Sorry, but they have caused me a lot of grief and heartache in the past so i cannot say to you to get on with his ex.
Why dont you sit down and have a word with your husband and explain all the things that you would like to happen, why you dont feel you can get on with them and try and iron out some of the problems.
Maybe write some more and let me know the set up. You could possible have some days out together and try and cement the relationship some how.
You wont make things rosy between you and your husband if you go out of your way to not get on with his kids. They are his flesh and blood. The other half of the kids unfortunately was made up by the mum, but that is life and you cannot change that.
Are you two having any kids together,in my opinion that would not be wise until you sort out this current and quite large problem. Get back in touch with me and i will put some points forward. I know what you are going through though. I am married, my son, now aged 15 and i moved in with my bloke and his son, also aged 15, not an easy situation, but not an impossible one.
take care
xx
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