A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I do not have sex as often as either of us would like to. However, she is very shy and will almost never initiate (maybe three times since I've known her and once was the first time we had sex) and I am pretty shy, too. It sounds stupid, because we have had sex dozens of times, but we still get embarrassed talking about it with each other. When we were younger and full of hormones we would just climb into bed and do it. Or, in the morning, we would caress each other and if she was into it she wouldn't be so quick to go get her coffee. Frequently, we would lie in bed and I'd feel her up and she'd whisper "I was kinda hoping you'd do that."Now that we've been married for a decade it is not coming as naturally and the longer the droughts between having sex the more awkward it becomes to request it. The other day I decided to be bold and brash because I figured that maybe she wants me to be sexually aggressive and told her while lying with my arms around her waist: "I really want to f* you." The use of that word did not go over well and needless to say I did not get what I wanted.This seems like something everyone seems to innately figure out, but I do not have a clue. I was a virgin when I met her, so I don't have a lot of experience with this. Do most couples just turn to each other while brushing their teeth at night and say "Hey! Wanna do it?" I hate being rejected, which is why I just tend to keep my desires to myself and I think this also frustrates my wife who - while wanting sex less than I do - would like it more often than I can get up the nerve to ask for. I hate to say it, but often it's easier to just masturbate then to finally get up the nerve to put my hand on her inner thigh and hint at it with something lame like "Are you tired?" only to be met with "I've gotta go to sleep now." Rather than play these cat and mouse games where I get myself worked up enough to finally ask or make a move and then be turned down I am thinking it would be easier to just say "Sex tonight?" and she can give thumbs up or down. However, this is not exactly creating the romantic mood that she desires. In short, I don't really know what women want/expect. I realize every woman is different, but I'd like to here how it happens with other couples who have been together longer than the period where you both just want to screw like bunnies. I know if she heads to bed and I start lighting candles in the bedroom she's gonna know what I'm up to and not be impressed. She might even opt to sleep on the couch. She'd love it if we went out to dinner and dancing and we came home and while she took off her make-up I lit candles and massaged her feet before working my way up her legs to where we both want to be, but the reality is that I cannot do that every time I want to get intimate! This is WAY more difficult than it ought to be! If people did that every time they had sex no one would be getting laid more than once a month max, which is rather our problem.How do you let your mate know that you wanna get some? Text message during the day? Direct question before bed? Knowing look? Just start getting grabby?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Foreplay starts long before you get into the bedroom, a stroke of a arm, a kiss on the neck.general tenderness with each other, I mean all the time, not just when you want sex. Then when you do get into bed, be affectionate, kiss her and see where it leads you, I am not sure fancy a ride or the like needs to come into the conversation.
A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 My husband and I lead very busy lives, and our sex life tends to come in waves. Sometimes we go a couple weeks without sex, sometimes we have sex for a few days straight. I'm pretty blatant when I want sex. I'll ask for it or get into bed naked. I'll pull his pants down while he's sitting is his computer chair or watching TV. In your case I don't see this working with your wife. I highly doubt getting behind her in the kitchen and grabbing at her breasts is going to turn her on. I have a feeling that your wife wants a connection with you and doesn't want to be treated like a piece of meat. I like it when my husband is aggressive with me and throws me around a bit and pulls my clothes off. But that's me. What I recommend...lighting candles and throwing rose petals aren't going to work. Try this...when you go to sleep, put your arm around her and hold her. Kiss her neck and rub her arms and stomach. Tell her you love her. Keep kissing her neck and feeling her for a while. Don't rush anything. If she turns a little towards you, she's interested. Run your hand on her thigh and kiss her mouth. Keep it very slow, don't start getting grabby. While kissing her, tell her you want her. Don't say that you want to fuck her or get inside her, just that you want her. Women like to feel that they're wanted. Compliment something about her, tell her how soft her lips are or how nice she smells. Make it about her, not your needs. I know that sounds unfair, but you want laid and there's a way to open the door to getting laid. ALWAYS offer oral to her. If you want sex, you have to let her know her pleasure means more to you. Now don't say "I'm going to eat you out" flat out, that sounds like a porno. Get her on her back, kiss her stomach, don't rip her clothes off, just move aside what you need to move to get to her skin. If she's wearing a night gown, you're in luck. If it's pants you're going to have to pull them down very slowly. Pull up her shirt or gown a little and kiss her breasts. Tell her again that you love her, compliment something else about her. Keep running your hands over her skin, not fast but like you would if you were petting a cat. Softly and slowly, the type of touch that gives you goosebumps because it feels so nice. If she consents to having her shirt taken off, be very gentle with her breasts, don't rush anything and don't grunt over her. Tell her she's beautiful and tell her that you want to taste her. I hope you're good at giving oral because this could make it or break it. If you don't know how to give it, send me a message and I'll tell you how to do it. While you're down there, moan a little like what you're doing to her is giving you ecstatic pleasure. Keep touching her. Remember, this is not about you, it's about her. Tell her how good she tastes. Keep her aroused, try to give her an orgasm now. If your mouth gets tired, start using your fingers and kiss her thighs. After all that, she should be putty for you. Keep the mentality that this is lovemaking, not fucking. I personally love it when my husband whispers in my ear that he's going to fuck me senseless, and we've been married for a looong time. Not all women are the same, some like to be screwed all the time and some are like you're wife and only want it when there's a connection. When you're on top of her, maintain eye contact and tell her how much you love her. If you do it right this time, she'll remember it and might be more eager for another episode. Hope this helps, I'm a pro at sexual problems and willing to answer any other questions you may have. :)
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