A
female
age
36-40,
*ennyBuckwell
writes:Hi everyone, last time I posted a question here i got some good, helpful, nonjudgmental help so have decided to seek out some more advice. Basically, I have been with my boyfriend for the past two years now. Overall I would say our relationship is good and I am mostly happy. However we tend to get into quite a few arguments which tend to escalate really quickly and we both say such hurtful, spiteful things to each other. Sometimes I hate myself for the things i've said to him as im not an evil person and definately dont mean what i'm saying however we seem to try and outdo each other by who can say the most hurtful things. The advice i need is how to stop our arguments turning so nasty and spiteful? They usually always end in tears on both our parts and we feel so bad. Does this mean I am in a really immature relationship? Ive tried in the past not to reciprocate the anger yet find myself being unable to fly into a rage and unable to control what I am saying. Any suggestions how I can control my emotions a little bit more, and how to help my boyfriend do the same?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Hey sister
in argument among couple, generally women being more emotional creature gets angry early and shouts more and language that women partner chooses is more dirty and low. This is why men choose to keep silent often. especially in husband and wife relationship.\
only suggestion is to fundamentally assume that it is not always necessary that he should see the world as you see. he may have difference in view and respect that. fights will be less. give him some space.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 August 2010):
 What is the case here is not an immature relationship as such, but a couple of hot-heads. One hot-head and a calmer person results in calmer fights, but could be just as difficult as one easily will over-ride the other. A couple where both are calm people will hardly ever fight, but then again keep problems to themselves and that can be a problem too because things get to sour and people can grow resentment. So all couples face their difficulties. Yours is that you both have a temperament, and it is very very easy that you provoke each other to new levels.
You said you have tried to stop. Well, you have to try again. I am a hot-head too, and it is a constant process to try and keep my cool, it is a personality-development that you will always need to work on, in every situation, every day. Now and then we slip up, but what is important is that after you have slipped up you realize it! Do you immediately know that you have gone too far? When that happens, keep quiet and apologize right away. Then don't say another word.
I think, in my own experience, it comes down to daring to get hurt. You get aggressive in self defense, trying to build up a mean and tough wall as protection. Attack is the best defense as they say. And why do we build fences? To protect ourself from being hurt. So, dare to get hurt. Dare to take a full-blow and the pain, without any defenses.
Ultimately, as you say, there is a horrible side-effect to building up this wall of yours, because it works to escalate the conflict, and instead of protecting you you get burned alive within your walls, so to speak. Your hurtful words don't only hurt your boyfriend, but also yourself. You always walk around feeling like shit because of what you have said. It hurts you too. So what is worse? Taking a full-blown hit from your boyfriend when he is in rage, or firing back?
Often, very very often, when it comes to hot-heads, we explode fast and soon, but just as soon it is over, unless provoked. My brother found the best way to deal with me: just shut up and let me rant and go on, he turned a deaf ear and didn't bother with me. I soon stopped my rant, as it was only a need to blow out some steam. Without any wood thrown into my fire, it quickly burns out.
What I propose is that you blow off your steam on your own, and not to your boyfriend. Say he did something that pisses you off. Don't tell him. Go and be alone for a little, think about it all, think about all the things you want to tell him and blow off your steam. Then after a little you should feel calmer, and more realistic about the entire thing. Then you are in a position where you can face the problem in a calm manner.
It will be difficult at first, and you might feel it is unfair that you have to work so hard, and maybe you think your boyfriend isn't working just as hard to keep his cool as well. But in time you will see the effect. Best of luck!
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