A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year.We first dated in grade nine for about a month, then he dumped me because he said he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship and didn't want to hurt me. Almost immediately he started dating one of my friends, but I decided to be the bigger person and stay friends with both of them. It had been 4 years since we broke up, and 3 since he moved away for a bit and we stopped talking. Last year, when I had just gotten out of a relationship with one of the first guys I really, really liked, he texted me randomly and we started talking again. I had no intentions of dating him again, because a) I had moved on, and b) I wasn't over my ex. However, one thing led to another, and we ended up being 'friends with benefits' before he said he didn't want that with me. He wanted something serious. So I agreed, stupidly, since I still wasn't over my ex.Eventually my ex came crawling back to me and I cheated on my boyfriend... after this, our relationship was never the same. Both of us cheated several times. Eventually it came to a point where we decided to sit down and talk about it, because we wanted to make things work and not do this anymore. We talked and talked, for months, about WHY we cheated, HOW we felt about the relationship when we did, and how we can be sure it won't happen again. There were lots of days spent crying together, spent arguing about certain scenarios or aspects of the cheating... until finally we both had come clean about everything, and decided we wanted a fresh start. He got me a diamond ring and matching white gold earrings as a sort of symbolic profession of his love - with it, he wrote me a poem about how much it meant to him (he's an aspiring writer, and always writes lovely poetry). Since then, he has written dozens of poems for me about how much he loves me. We had spent every day together (outside of work and school), we did not see any of the people we cheated on each other with, or go to any of the places the cheating occured (ie. one of his friend's houses). However, things weren't so great. We finally were able to fall in love... but there was no trust. Several times a week, I would accuse him of being unfaithful in some way, or lying, and huge arguments would ensue. After about 4 months of this, he broke up with me, saying that he couldn't take it anymore. He says he could see how much my lack of trust in him was hurting me, and therefore hurting him and our relationship. He says that there is too much at stake: my education in university and his own problems with overcoming addiction and finding himself and creating his own stable lifestyle. He says that we tried and it didn't work, and he doesn't want us to hurt anymore. He says that he wants a serious relationship with me, and that he feels he just can't be what I deserve right now. But he says he won't forget me, that he didn't forget about me for four years after we dated for a month when we were 14, and so he definitely won't now after spending a year together at 19. He still tells me he loves me; he even said the reason he is doing this is because he loves me. And he's pretty sure he will come back to me, once he's gotten his life on track. I'm so hurt though. I know he is too, but I just don't understand how he can give up... if he loves/misses me as much as I do, as much as he claims he does. We agreed to spend one last night together, because we both know that keeping in contact right after the breakup will be too hard. I want to know if there is any advice anyone can give me? I feel like there must be something we can do to make this work... when counseling is out of the question right now, as he does not have a steady income. I understand that maybe it is not worth it because economically he is unstable... but, keep in mind that I know him very well and have faith that he will find his way one day. That aside, how can you learn to trust again? How can we make this work without losing each other?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): I'm in a very similar situation here. It hurts so badly I know! We dated for two and a half years and have been trying to make it work for a year now after the break up. He's starting to find it hopeless, but I'm still trudging on determined not to lose my first boyfriend who I dreamt someday would be my husband. There used to be know doubt we would get married. I can barely function with this always on my mind, however, and people are telling me the healthiest thing to do is move on. but there's a difference between moving on and just telling someone to. I've had moments when I thought I could, but we both love each other so much we still both believe we can somehow someday make it work. Meanwhile, I just feel like the time we could have spent growinf closer is being wasted on anguish drifting apart. It's hard that we both go to the same small college. It almost feels like he died, yet I see him around campus so it's like he's haunting me. Sad thing is, I always had a fear I would lose him one day.... and now I have and dont know if I'll ever have the one guy I ever wanted to love, back. I'd advise you to probably try to move on too.
I'd be happy to talk more about this.
A
male
reader, Who  +, writes (17 April 2009):
 “How can we make this work without losing each other?”Not my words but many have found guidance in this over the decades: “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you there are yours. If they don’t they never were.”
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