A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have known my wife for 21 years and been married for 17. She is my life, our love was the most passionate thing ever, we were best friends and always expressed our love. About a year ago I noticed a change in her, she would not cuddle me or kiss me as we used to do, our sex life deteriorated. She goes to the gym every evening for a couple of hours, we still do a lot of things together. I sensed something was not right, something was wrong. We have always trusted each other and neither of us was possesive. Lately she expressed interest in going abroad with some girl friends alone on holiday. This is something she has never expressed an interest in before. We had no secrecy with phones, or emails. Today I was looking for a friends phone number on her phone and what I found broke my heart. There was a text message from one of my friends which read. "Nice Text.... I wish I was there lying beside you stroking your hair and holding your breasts xxx"I feel my life has come to an end, 20 years of love and trust has disappeared in an instant. I confronted her and she said it was a joke, and meant nothing. How can that be a joke? For someone to write such an intimate message something must have been going on.I do not know what to do. We have one son aged 13.
View related questions:
best friend, breasts, on holiday, sex life, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (1 December 2007):
 Hi. I'm sending his late Saturday night. I saw your update. I expect you have had a terrible time. It doesn't help you having a broken foot. How did you do that?
Back to your situation, as dearkelja says, there are people on this site, similar age, who have similar experiences. So if you have no where to turn use this site to support you. It'll help a little.
I know you want to turn the clock back - we all do sometimes - but you ae going to have accept reality.
And I know that you say "all I want is the truth" which seems quite a small request to someone you love. But I doubt you will get the truth. You will only get what she wants you to know.
OK - to do deal with the last part of your post - "I don't know what to do for the best." Don't get into to any trouble is the most important message I can get across to you. If you think you are going to "lose it" , go a little crazy, take your revenge - DON'T. It will just make things so much worse. Go and practice your music. Who cares if it's 3.00am - doesn't matter for now. I know you have a son to consider, just tell him you simply had to play some music. Might think a little odd - but it's better than you doing something crazy.
The other point I would get across to you is don't ask your wife back, don't beg her to give him up (you might have done already, but doesn't matter, Don't do it anymore).
You have to take adopt the position that she has broken the marriage contract. That adultery means divorce. Take that line with her. It will make her wake up if she has been living a dream just lately. If she is genuinely repentant she has to ask to if you will take her back. Right now she probably doesn't know what she wants. But if you run to her , she might go along with it and you won't know where you stand. You need to watch and see if she will turn back to you and ask you to have her back. SHe has broken the vows. Betrayed you and hurt you. She has to do the apologising. She might be considering moving in with him. Let her if thats her choice. She is an adult capable of making her own decisions. Let her make choices and stand by them. She will be leaving her son if she does move in with him.
All these points are in your favour. She has been caught out and now must decide what to do. That was the risk she took when she started to have an affair.
These things that I descibe won't happen over the next 24hours - it may be much longer a week or more maybe. But you will find your thinking is much easier when you realise that:
She has made this choice
You treat adultery as a divorce issue.
Now she has to decide what she does.
Does she try to seek forgiveness, in which case you want the truth from her and so much more to repair the damage.
You have a long way to go. You won't sleep much if at all. Keep some food going into to you to give you some strength.
Take care
Richard
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): You'll have to pressume the obvious. She is with him. Even if she doesn't want to confess. I'm telling you my father was a super cheater and I know the symptoms and they are exactly like those you described. This is the time to decide if you are going to use your rage and suffering to try to fix your marriage or to separate from her. Ask her what she wants to do; that'll save you some time. The bad thing is she might say she is not interested in fixing the marriage and you'll feel even more rejected. Do you really need to stay there? Can't you at least call up a friend or family member so he would pick you up and talk so you can change environments and process all of this? You really need to talk about it with someone. Remember we are here to support you. Feel free to update as many times as you need.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): Stay put!!!Its a storm in a teacup. She hasn't had to wash his underpants yet.Good luck to you and your son.
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (1 December 2007):
 Sorry to hear what the truth is but please look upon it as a blessing. You now know the truth, make your plans accordingly. The flip side would have been having her string you along for more time and tearing you apart inside not knowing.
Find a friend, someone you can talk to, or use this site. You won't have time right now to feel sad as you have some work to do to sort out your living arrangements and the money and to make sure you son comes out of this well.
There will be time for sadness and self assessment. You will need to figure out what went wrong with the marriage but the only one you need to deal with is you. You wife will likely not give you any more information and really she owes you nothing. You should be elated that she told you the truth, many spouses don't.
There are lots of us out here that have fallen out of 20 plus marriages. Is it hard, lonely and sad? You bet. But it is also a new beginning.
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (1 December 2007):
Because of the personal nature of the text AND her behavioral changes I am inclined to say that it was not a joke and that these two people do have something going.
It will do you no good to talk to the guy-your friend-but you need to have a talk with your wife and get your marriage either on the right track OR derail it.
Get your affairs in order, know where the paperwork and money is. Richard is right, she is a year ahead of you in this process so you've got some catching up to do. You may even want to discuss things with a lawyer.
Really I hope you can sort things out but my guess is your wife has had an affair and you need to know in your heart if you can forgive her (if she stays) and then you'll need to learn to trust her again. If you don't think you can do any of that, it's best to move on. I am sorry for all the hurt you are going to go through.
...............................
A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (1 December 2007):
If it was a joke why didn't she tell you in the 1st place?I can only imagine half of what you must be feeling but i agree with Richard_EMids,don't try to confront her so much as you'll be so emotional.Devise a plan of getting to know the whole truth.Talk to a close friend but not one who's close to your wife as well.Just keep a close eye on her.At this stage,i'd fully support the hiring of a private investigator.She's really being unfair to you.Think critically and not emotionally.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): It doesn't sound like a joke, and from the information you have supplied us with, it sounds like your wife has been having an affair, or at the very least having a bit of a flirt with one of your friends.
I saw this happen in my parents relationship. My Mom all of a sudden changed - she took an interest in golf and was out 3 or 4 nights a week at the driving range. She started spending a hell of a lot of time on the internet. This went on for a couple of years, until 'Bam' me and my sisters find out my parents are getting divorced. Turns out my Mom was seeing some guy behind my Dad's back, yeah she was at the driving range etc, but with him, not with girlfriends as she'd originally said.
I cou'dn't even begin to imagine how you muct feel - I moved out with my Dad when he left (she was the one who ended it) and he was a broken man. My Dad is the strongest person I know, and it bnroke him to leave his children (I have 2 younger sisters, one who ended up living with me and my Dad).
All I can say is you will get through this, whether you stay together or not. My Dad, 6 years on, is a different man. He thought his life was over then, but now he's got a beautiful girlfriend who he's marrying next year, who's 10 times the woman my Mom is if you ask me, all 3 of his children prefer being with him, the list could go on.
You need to talk to your wife, no shouting, or anger, and find out exactly what is going on. It sounds like she is bored, and you need to find out if you can fulfill the gap she is feeling, or if this might be the end of your marriage.
She owes you that to be honest with you in how she is feeling, and you can't carry on trying to forget the text you saw. You should discuss it with your so called friend as well, he has no business texting your wife intimate text messages.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): I must admit this is fishy, but it's probably just a joke, you just need to talk to her, you know-how are you hunny? type stuff, if she gets all angry and stuff and tells you to drop it, there may be something. If she just smiles and says -it was just a joke- there is probably nothing and you should just carry on being normal, and try to be a bit more- "romantic" buy her something nice with "I love you" written on it. You get the picture.
Good luck, don't worry,
Heli
xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): Don't hold on to the past. It's gone. Minus the txt message, were you having any problems in your marriage, present tense? Maybe there is an underlying issue that has to be addressed if she is willing to save the marriage. But for you both to move on she has to admit the truth. If she does not, your trust is ruined. And trust is everything.
Good luck.
Please don't get angry with her because that will push her away forever. Talk to her in a loving way about the best possible solution for both of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): You must feel devastated. Evidently there's something very wrong and she will deny it to death because she has been denying it to herself for a year now. She is in a position right now where she has believed her own lies.
Given the facts you definitely have to take action and this is the way I see it: You need proof and you'll have to keep your cool in front of her so she wouldn't suspect anything and follow her or have a detective do so. Confront her with the evidence and don't be surprised if she tries to create another story.
This could be harder 4 U because it's not only your wife who betrayed you but your friend also betrayed you. An emotional betrayal is never easy. Specially when you had such a long and close relationship. It makes us question even ourselves for believing in someone whom we shouldn't believed in. But is not your fault.
You'll need psychological and spiritual help to deal with this. Try to be strong for your son. And please do not fight and/or argue in front of him. Do not poison his mind against his mother and never ask him for help.
You must deal with this directly with your wife and leave him completely out of this situation. He might eventually need psychological help also. Teenagers are specially vulnerable to parents problems but if you keep him out of the situation he'll be just fine. That is the healthiest thing for everyone.
Hope I helped.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate. My wife has now told me she has no desire for me, she says she loves me but the passion has gone. The guy in question was a friend of mine who stayed with us six weeks ago. He was the one who introduced us all those years ago.
My heart is breaking, she seems so cold and cruel. She will not answer my questions when all I ask is the truth. I am suffering at the moment with a broken foot and cannot get out of the house. We both own the house jointly and she runs a jewellry business. The guy does not have a partner or wife. I am so devastated all I want is my wife back the way it was. I love her so very much. I am a musician and have had opportunities in the past to cheat but I would never dream of cheating. I don't know what to do for the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (1 December 2007):
Oh dear - you must be devastated.
This has probably been going on for sometime. She will be way ahead of you, so you need to start acting quick.
No. 1 phone a close friend or family member you can trust. Go and talk it through. Minimise contact with your wife. High chance you'll get yourself into some trouble, arguing etc. Keep away, you are going to be so angry.
Whether this is secret affair or they are planning to "run-off" together is impossible to say right now - maybe with your son - so you need to be ready for any possibility.
Who owns your house?
Does this guy have a partner/wife?
Does she work?
Have you got joint savings?
Are there any valuables in house?
Don't go round to this guy. Don't phone him up. Nothing will be gained. Believe me. Get away if you can so you can think straight. Plan to phone in sick for work or take holiday. Anyone in this position goes a little crazy. Some things they do now affect the future - so keep out of trouble - don't seek revenge. Handle this properly and you will get your revenge later and much more effectively. Don't forget you have a son. There may be a custody issue at some point in future, so don't do anything crazy.
Use this site if you have no one to talk to at moment. You need as much help as possible. You need someone to do some thinking for you. Update under this question when you can - people will give you ideas and suggestions which will help. If you update under your orginal question it will save you having to keep explaining the background.
I feel for you I really do.
Take care
Richard
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): No, I agree with you. I think there is more to this text. It doesn't seem like a joke to me, and all the other evidence you have given in your letter suggests that your wife may have been having close relationships with your friend. I think you need to confront them further. Ask your friend as well, not just your wife.
You don't deserve this. Ask your friend and your friend outright what's going on, because you deserve nothing more than to know the truth. You have good cause to be suspicious.
Tell your wife you would rather she was honest with you.
And if, God forbid, that your wife and friend have had an affair, I also think you need to consider whether they would still be worthy of your trust. I can understand how awful it must feel to have been with somebody so long and for them just to cast your feelings aside like that. It would also be hard for you to let go after such a long, fulfilled marriage, therefore if they have had an affair or been doing things behind your back then perhaps you would want to give her a second chance.
She has been incredibly selfish if this is the case, not thinking about you or your son. My parents divorced because my mum had an affair and it was one of the worst times of my life.
Tell your wife this and how you feel because she needs to understand. I understand how betrayed you must feel, stress this to your wife. Perhaps even show her the letter you have written to DearCupid so that maybe she will come to her senses and understand how selfish she has been, and only thought of herself.
This problem needs to be sorted out - it won't just sort out itself.
Best of luck, I really hope everything works out for you.
XxXxX
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): Hi Hunny,
This is not a funny joke and if it were a joke then why did she not say " look what so n so sent me cheeky git" You need to sit down a talk and tell her how hurt this has made you feel, plus talk about the way you feel things have changed in the past year love as your not going to feel any better with this brush off.
Your not happy and as you have said she is and has always been your life now is the time for that chat and I hope things improve for you very soon and you get to the bottom of this hunny with much love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (1 December 2007):
 You need to sit down and have a serious talk with her let her know how your feeling and you suspect its not a joke, or you could be really nseak and find the truth for yourself tect the number back and send a similar message back and see what happens but you really need to talk to her and see whats going on tell her you have sensed her distance for a while.
...............................
|
