A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I married to the most wonderful man I've ever known.We both in our 30's and are both Born Again Christians.He has fathered three boys before we met. I gave birth to one son during my first marriage.We got married in February this year and I gave birth to our son three months ago.His first two boys are by one woman and his third son by another woman. That was his life before I met him.When his earlier partner found out he is married she asked for maintenance court for a increase in the maintenance paid for her two sons.The thing is, she still demands her way and keeps on threatening us that she'll go to court every three months, just to have her way.We do pay maintenance for all three of the boys. My husband can't phone them than she's rude and swears at us.My son and I have never met them all and wanted all thre of them to visit for Christmas holidays but she said that she first asked her boyfriend if they can visit and instead of visiting,my husband must pay more extra money for their presents and clothes.I planned on taking them all out to see the sights.The other boy's mom is fine with her son visiting,its just the 2 boys mom.Everytime she throws a tantrum.She even taught them to swear at me everytime she calls.The understanding between my husband and I is good,its just this woman that's making a nuisance of herself.What can we do,please help.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 November 2012):
 Okay, first of all you need to leave any negotiation about his children to him, and their mother. don't involve yourself with their mother.
Secondly let her take your husband to court every three months, surely after a few times in court the judge will realise she is just a trouble maker and make a decision against her.
An alternate suggestion is for your husband to TAKE HER to court for a re assessment of maintenance and also for the court to grant him the right to contact his children. Softly, softly is the way to go with this woman until you and your husband have a firm footing with his children and have removed the ability of their mother to cause problems.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): "What can we do,please help."
Hubby needs to court and obtain a visitation order, and he must decide if he wants to get involved in a prolonged, nasty custody battle. I would say if ex is allowing her shack-up boyfriend (who has no legal relationship with kids and therefore zero authority) to call the shots and using him as an excuse to keep her children from their father, then he has a very compelling argument for getting full physical custody, which sons may not want due to your presence.
Hubby's ex thinks she's "punishing" him by using their sons as weapons against him, too selfish and vindictive and malicious to realize that the real victims are her own children; and she's also too oblivious and short-sighted to realize that when her sons become adults and figure out what their mother did, they will cut her out of their lives.
Luckily I never experienced such psychological trauma, but I have friends who did; they are now in theit fifties and their offending parents are now lonely old men and women estranged from their adult children and adult grandchildren who want nothing to do with them, maintaining a surface cordial relationship out of politeness and a sense of obligation but nothing real or remotely personal.
But, and it's a big "but" with no personal offense intended, hubby's quickie shotgun wedding to virtual stranger you followed almost immediately by a baby born into an intact home with two parents was very likley to foster his sons' anger and resentment towards you and the kid even if the divorce was civil and amicable. Also, if your son is living with you, that's another potential source of friction. He can't be any happier about the intrusion of a strange man and new baby into his uncertain life than hubby's kids are.
It would appear that like many single parents, you and new hubby/baby daddy didn't take into account very real and unchanging circumstances when you got pregnant and married in that order. Both his sons and your son suffered significant psychological trauma when their homes were broken up and their lives were permanently disrupted if not shattered.
That you are both Born Again Christians is admirable and good, but that doesn't mean you are immune from mistakes that are really sins of omission due to your failure to accurately gauge the impact of such rapid and permanent changes in your children's daily lives.
Unfortunately, as baby mama vindictive ex is in the picture for the duration, and since she is unreasonable there is little if any possibility of a mutually agreeable resolution now, in the near future, or any time soon.
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