A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem that really bugging me. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we love each other and would obviously like to get married in the future. The problem is that my parents cant stand the thought of me being with him. My mom thinks he's not "worth" me, she feels that my family background and academic qualifications are much better than him, and I should not just throw it all away and settle for him. Iv never told her about my relationship as such, but obviously she has an inkling about whatever's going on and she's made her ideas very clear.Quick background: Im working on my PhD from a top university, he has an MBA. He's not conventionally good looking, and thats another thing that my mom keeps taunting me about. On the lines of..."what do you see in him"? His family is great, his mom ADORES me, there's no problem from his side. But my parents feel that he's just a gold-digger, which is SO not true, and it hurts me so much when they say that. I should add that Iv been in 2 relationships before this, which obviously didn't work out, but I made a mistake in judging those people and my mom seems to think I'm repeating the mistake again. I dont know how I can convince her that I'm not!I'm not going to leave this guy, come what may, but any pointers on how I should bring this topic up with my mom? Or should I leave things the way they are now, continue seeing him the way I do now, and bring this up later when I'm done with my PhD and actually ready to get married?Thanks for all the advice!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus...you're a star!!! Reading your post brought tears to my eyes...you cant imagine how well you've worded your post and it almost feels like you personally know the way things are!!
Just reading the first line that "...it doesn't really matter what she thinks as long as she never actively tries to break you up which she would never do"...it was so comforting!Do you really think she would never try to break us up? Because I live in the constant fear that she might..
My mom means the world to me...and I cant stand the thought of ever hurting her. But I cant leave my boyfriend too...and I wish things were simpler.When I was younger, I always thought Id meet someone, get married, be happy...wonder when things got so complicated. I hate the lies, the way I have to hide things from her, the fear of uncomfortable questions. I know most people my age would give a damn about their mums'...but maybe I am different, and thats the way I am.
You're COMPLETELY right when you say she has nothing personal against him...she's told me this herself. She just thinks he's not good for me, and maybe I'm getting carried away by the excitement now, but i'l realize later in life that he's not the one. But I cant give him up! There's no reason for me to...because...I love him and he loves me...and thats it. But I know I'm my mom's little girl even if I'l be a 100 yrs old....and I hope whatever you say is right and she does warm up to him eventually.
Thanks again Cerberus...you cant imagine what an immense help you've been and how nice it was to read your post! Thank you so much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): Don't let it hurt you, honestly it doesn't really matter what she thinks as long as she never actively tries to break you up which she would never do.
It's just the way your mom loves you, since you were born she's been fiercely protective of you, the fact she wants you to have the best and happiest life, is only proof of that.
That's just the way moms are, I mean she'd give out to you if she thought you were using the wrong washing powder on your clothes and even if your washing powder was perfectly adequate she'd insist you try the one she thinks is better, she'd tell you about her friends or your aunts that use it to try and convince you, she'd make you smell clothes, show you how soft they are, she wouldn't let it drop until you tried it. She's just the kind of mom that has always had it in her head how you can be the happiest, healthiest person she could create, "she knows best".
She's always been like that OP, she's never let anyone try and tell her what's best for you or how you should be raised, including you hehe. When she was given you, she saw that as her most important task in life, to do whatever it takes to give you the best, to be the best mom. This is just her way stepping up to the plate the only way she knows how. From the sounds of things she's done her job quite well too.
All this thing with your boyfriend is, is a sign of how deeply she loves you, because that's just her way of expressing that. I'm sure you know she isn't like that to make you unhappy because you know it's your long term happiness she's always thinking of, regardless of what you want for yourself, because again "she knows best".
Don't be hurt OP, you may not think so but this is a good thing. I know you'd love for her to like him now and one day she will and the day she does is the day he has truly proven himself not only to her but to you. Just remember OP even when your mom is sitting in her rocking chair in her twilight years and you're married with kids that are grown up. You'll still always be that little girl that comes back to mommy, crying with a scraped knee because you rode your bike down that hill, even though she warned you not to. Honestly if that dynamic were ever to change you'd both be lost, if she ever stopped caring that way something would be seriously wrong.
It's not about him being "right" or good enough, it's about what she thinks is best, it really is nothing personal about the guy. It's just she's set in her ways and it will take a long time for her to warm to him because honestly OP even a man who fit perfectly into her idea of one that would be good for you wouldn't be able to make the grade either because she'd find flaws in him too.
It will take time, it will take him always trying to prove to you that he deserves you, always trying to who you how special you are and treat you well, not prove it to your mom. He's dating you, not her.
She'll warm to him in time and it's just the way she loves you and always will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers! I know its my life and my decision...I just wish things were simpler and my parents would accept things in a better manner. I'm going to do it anyway...it wud just be easier if they thought differently.
Cerberus...thanks a lot for your insight...thats EXACTLY how things are!! The way you've put it, its bang-on!! My mom thinks she knows what kind of a guy would be "good" for me, and somehow my BF just doesn't fit the bill....and she gets all paranoid thinking I'm going to mess up my life. I know that trying to "convince" her is useless...i just have to let things be, and hope she looks at it in a better manner when the time comes. I hope I got that right? The thing is, he's tried to do everything...he's been there for me when i needed him, he's stood by me, he's even been there when there's been a family emergency...but still he's "not right". Nothing that he does can ever be good enough and it hurts me that things are so...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Tell your mum it's not in her power to change anything, and she needs to learn that
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (23 December 2010):
I suggest just telling her now, and being firm about it. Your love life is your own, and it's your decision to make. So no matter what she thinks of him, if you choose him, she should be civil and not say bad things about him to you. So just come out and tell her that. She doesn't have to like him, that's her right, but it's your right to not have to hear her badmouth him. I suggest telling her now because it's only by her getting to know him that she might change her mind. Maybe he's not as educated or as good looking as she might like, but he might change her opinion of him if she sees how well he treats you and how happy he makes you. As well, education isn't the only kind of intelligence someone can have. He can have a lot of common sense, he can be funny, etc etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): "Or should I leave things the way they are now, continue seeing him the way I do now, and bring this up later when I'm done with my PhD and actually ready to get married?"
Yes, once your mom knows that you're settled and have signed that contract to be together forever she might let up.
Look some moms just never accept our partners and you know a lot of the time they're right. But in your case I don't think she is, it sounds like she just wants what's best for you and that she thinks you need a man with an equal if not better income than you to be happy and have a prosperous future.
You can't, no matter how hard you try make her like him. There's no point in even trying to get her to accept him while he's still just your boyfriend. Look she's your mother, she's probably heard you say the same things about your exes and in the end she was right about them. She's not going to be convinced by you or by anything you say because you say that every time you love a guy. Do you see what I mean? Every one of the guys you've been in love with you've felt that way about and thought you had a future with but she didn't feel that was the case, most likely because she has a certain idea in her head of the kind of that would be "good" for you and your type is just not the same.
The proof is in the pudding, don't worry about your mom, when the time comes and she knows he's not going to hurt you, run away or that he's not using you. Then she'll warm to him and maybe even grow to love the guy too as the father of her grandkids etc. But he has to prove that to her by still being there with you in the years to come and always treating you right and all that other stuff.
Words mean nothing, your words and opinion of him are worthless to her, truly they are, because they're based on your love for this guy, if he was an evil abuser and you were head over heels in love with him then you'd probably try and convince her "he's nice really".
Look at it from her perspective, or even look at from your perspective looking at younger brothers or sisters etc that have friends they think are great but you see something in them you don't think is good and nothing will change your mind about that.
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