A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thank you for your opinions in advance My husband and I have been together for two years. When we were in a relationship he was extremely loving, expressive, a real sweetheart which didnt take me long to fall hard for him. For the first 9 months it was beautiful. He is from a different country and I came to visit him every 3 times before we got married. We spent much of our time on video chat and texts messages, and calling eachother. We got married and things changed. I was well aware he smoked weed before we got married and was fine with it as it was only recreational, maybe once or twice per week. Now he smokes daily, and all day long and it's far too much for my liking. He has his buddies around all the time and getting high with them as I work. When i am at work he disappears for hours a lot of times and then tells me his network was poor or he fell asleep etc. All his buddies are single and my husband acts as if he is single and free to do what he likes. I have approached him and asked him cut back this weed issue, he then calls tells me, " what is your problem woman "? I dislike being called "woman". He more or less feels like he is the king and I can't tell him what bothers me when it comes to him and his buddies. I feel he is being irresponsible, and immature. How can I talk to someone that doesnt listen to anything I have to say?
View related questions:
at work, immature, smokes, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 October 2018):
 You married a stranger. For all you really know, he smoked weed more or less every day anyway, but you weren't in the same country to see it.Sorry, OP, but you're going to waste your life on this guy. Chalk it up to needing to spend more time with someone before marriage. Genuinely. "Husband" and "two years together" shouldn't be in the same post. It's too quick. "Fiancée" makes sense, but not husband because it's rushed before you've spent enough time in a relationship. Maybe there are a few exceptions, but not in an LDR or in general.I know this isn't what you want to hear and I'm sorry you ended up married to this issue, but it's life when things go too quickly.MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET PREGNANT! Please; this is the most important part of all of this. Do not burden a child with him, in his current state, as their father. He is selfish, immature and disrespectful. Time to get a divorce, but get on reliable (prescribed) birth control first, if you aren't already!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2018): [EDIT]:
"Gone from sweetheart to scumbag!"
"If he values your marriage; he has to know that if things do not change, you will divorce him." (If you say it, mean it!}
"He must quit the pot-smoking, get himself a full-time job; or you will divorce him."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2018): It didn't take you long to fall for him? Oh boy, those are scary words!
When you cross cultural-lines and marry people from another country, you have to seriously consider how women are treated in his country of origin. You have to know their traditions and values; not just assume they will adapt to yours...simply because you think you love him, and assume he loves you. He can love you to pieces, but still be an absolute douche! Maybe where he comes from, it's a male-dominated society; so referring to you by your gender is acceptable. Whether you like it or not!
If he's from another European country, and culture is pretty much the same. You've simply got yourself a bum-deal; and you can't blame it on cultural-differences. You simply made a bad choice in men, and your options are limited.
You had a whirlwind-romance, and quickly married him; and he has now pulled a "bait-and-switch." Typical of online-initiated romances. Gone from sweetheart or scumbag! He's performing for his buddies, showing them who wears the pants, or who's boss! If you work and pay the bills; you do, and you're head of household! He's your dependent!
What you've got now, is who he really is. Maybe he has become addicted to pot. Now how do you convince a pothead to go to rehab? Especially the type of guy who is dismissive and doesn't bother to listen to you?
Apparently you knew little of his background or habits before you married him. Your relationship was primarily conducted over long-distance; so he has sprung a very different personality upon you.
That's because, like most people, he will be on his best behavior when you first meet. Courtship starts-out blissful and lovely. You don't mention where he is from; so if he was looking for a way out of his country, and you fell hard and fast. For him, maybe it was a marriage of convenience. He's locked-in now, and pretty sure of himself. So now he can be exactly the guy he really is. A pot-smoking lazy bum!
So here we are. You're married now. You want to know how to tell a full-grown man what to do and how to behave.
You married a guy after only 9 months, and a few visits. You based your feelings and decision to marry him on just a few months of acquaintance. Well, now you know exactly what you've got. No one can provide you with advice on how to change him, or make him listen to you. If he loves and cares for you, he will try and make the marriage work. If he married you out of convenience; you'll have to make a decision on whether the marriage will work.
You can't make him listen, if he doesn't want to. So the decision must be made whether he stays or goes. That's entirely up to you.
Most people listen when they know they have to face some kind of consequences. If he values your marriage; he has to know that if things do no change, you will divorce him.
He will not just quit smoking pot; because there is a general misconception that pot isn't addictive. Convincing a drunk they're an alcoholic, or a drug-addict they're addicted; often takes very drastic measures. Measures that take courage and unshakeable determination to take-on the challenge; and see it through from start to finish. Are you that kind of a woman?
He must quit the pot-smoking, get himself a full-time job; or you will divorced him. Depending on where his immigration status stands; he might possibly get deported back to where he comes from. Having that as his alternative can be a great motivator and effective ultimatum. Nothing may work short of that, my dear.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 October 2018):
 Is this marriage really sustainable long term?
It sounds like he isn't working so are YOU footing the whole bill for you both?
You ask, HOW can I talk to someone who doesn't listen? Well, you can TALK to them ALL day, but there isn't anything you can SAY to MAKE them listen.
He knows you will talk talk talk and all he has to do it IGNORE you and go about his business. He doesn't HAVE any responsibilities?
What country is he from? A VERY different culture than the English (yours) or somewhat similar?
Because I think some of these issues ARE cultural. He doesn't respect you and perhaps doesn't respect women in general.
Do you really see this guy as the man to grow old with?
You know you can't CHANGE another person, so you will either HAVE to accept that THIS is who he is OR you have to decide whether there is an actual future with this guy or not, and then act accordingly.
You aren't really a priority to him any more, he got what he wanted from you. For you to marry him and help him move to the UK. He prioritize friends, his "freedom" and weed higher than you.
I know what choice I would make... and that would be divorce.
...............................
|
