A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can one make love not so important? It seems that I'm always thinking about love (I'm single) and thirty 32 but ever since I can remember it's always been 90 percent of my life- I've lost jobs for men - I've gotten into arguments with my family over men - I've left my friends over men - how I change - it makes me sad that all I see is this. Its crazy I'm a grown woman but I never feel fuffiled with life until I get a man and when I do - they always use and mistreat me so it's not like it's a winning game. I'm ashamed of my ways I have a great family a great job a great support system but I just hunt and hunt and I can't seem to figure out this- it's ironic because my parents were in an arranged marriage and they don't care about each other- my mother never cared about a man - once it was done wth my dad she never dated anyone- why am I so dependable on a man? I also feel it gets worse since I don't have sex it's been a year since I haven't had sex( the moment I do I feel attached) so I can't find coping mechanismPlease be kind with the advice I never hurt anyone I'm always getting hurt and I don't know how to change I've been abstinent for a year now and it's getting hard for me not to think about sec 24/7I often go a year without dating ( the most three years without sex) and then I break I just confuse everything - please lbe kind with the advice Reply to this Question
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (7 December 2016):
LOVE is the most powerful force on Earth. It is the only force that can destroy hate, anger, resentment, and misery. So why would you not want to be addicted to something like that? I am addicted to it too...I crave it. In fact...If you don't come to me with love and friendship, I don't want you around me. Misery loves company, and I will not be that company.
The problem with a relationship is not love....It's the rules you set to get love. Example...
I am sure you have a picture in your head as to the kind of man you want. Not just about looks, but how he treats you, and how he loves you....Then comes life...The greatest teacher of them all. Life will throw you the wrong kind of man to teach you a lesson. What is that lesson??
DO NOT give up on your idea of your ideal man, just to have a man in your life...No one plans to buy a cup of coffee, pays for that cup of coffee, and then accepts a glass of orange juice instead.
Whatever happen with your father is no excuse for YOUR choices. If you want love, than accept nothing else. You do not plant an orange tree and expect to get grapes. That is exactly what you have been doing. You plant love, but then you take whatever comes back to you. Only expect back what you give, and nothing else.
Any man who gives you what you did not give him, is not the man for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): I feel for you. You are so wounded that you plead for strangers on an internet site to be kind to you. And they have been and offered you what I think is good advice.
All I can add is that, using the advice already offered and having made your list of what it is you want in a relationship, that you then join an agency specifically focused on marriage ... forgive me if I am wrong but it seems that you are seeking a long term committed relationship and marriage is that. Spend money on the most reputable agency. When you start to meet prospective partners watch very very carefully how they treat you and assert what you expect from them from the start.I don't mean a list of demands but things such as respect, consideration, sharing of tasks etc
But nobody man or woman deals well with a person who is too needy and too willing to please for a few crumbs... so... please, don't be that person!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 December 2016):
 My response is based on life's experiences and lots of observation ... I hope you don't find it unkind.
You problem appears to be you are looking for the wrong thing, this is what you say:
"I never feel fuffiled with life until I get a man"
There is nothing about love there, and when you write:
"I just hunt and hunt"
You don't seem to realise you have made a mistake in your shopping list and are hunting for the wrong items ....
Stop looking, and settling for, men. You need to be looking for love, and the first place to start is to love yourself, because if you don't find yourself loveable why should anybody else.
Sex and love are not necessarily inclusive, you can have one without the other. So you need to change your focus, and look at things a little differently.
Now once you accept you need to love yourself, the second step will be to change the messages you are sending yourself. Now, I hope I don't get too technical, but imagine your brain as being made up of lots and lots of opportunities but there are gates to those opportunities. Each time we learn something new a gateway opens and a new pathway (or knowledge) is formed. Your brain needs new pathways .... (otherwise known as changing your belief structure and habits).
Write your shopping list, be specific, and then write affirmations to match, type them up and put them places where you can read them out loud to yourself several times a day ....
It takes 3 weeks to break a bad habit, I imagine it also takes 3 weeks to form a good habit :-)
Just rereading Denizen's response, its less arty farty than mine but we are saying the same thing ... only by changing the way you think and the way you do things will you be able to bring positive change into your life.
You can do it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2016): First, you should not be hard on yourself for wanting love. Love is a natural human emotion that needs to be nurtured. Humans are social beings and need love and contact from other humans to be healthy. Its clear that finding love is important to you so I don’t think you really want to make it unimportant. Rather it would be better if you not make it a priority and to reduce its impact on your life i.e losing jobs, friends, arguments with family etc. I don’t want to come off like I know you but, It seems to me that you are trying to fill that void of being lonely with any man who comes along. And if you continue like that then you will never truly be happy. No one mans love will ever be enough for a women who first doesn’t love herself.If you are always giving in a relationship then you will be taken for granted, you have to demand and not settle.If you truly want to feel loved and be happy, this might sound crazy, then you must become truly comfortable with being alone. Yes, complete loneliness. Many nights without a man sleeping next to you, no man in your life, activities alone. And remember that negative emotions are an okay, and important part of life. When you allow yourself to fully experience loneliness, sadness, uncertainty then you will process these emotions and grow as an individual. Its through loneliness that you will fully understand and appreciate what it is to not feel lonely even if you are by yourself.But in our times people have become impulsive jumping from relationship to relationship, job to job etc because they are afraid of how they feel and afraid of truly reflecting. Im not saying to sulk on bad emotions and experiences but to acknowledge them and let them pass as they naturally should without trying to distract yourself with another man, relationship, job etc.Until you truly love yourself with or without a man you will always be trying to fill an empty void that even the best man on this planet will never be able to fill.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (6 December 2016):
 The best advice I can give you, or to anyone for that matter, is, 'Know What You Want'.
Don't settle for what comes your way. You must be more choosy. If things go wrong then learn from the mistake - because it was your choice! Don't blame the universe. You made the choice.
And making decisions like that is empowering because it means you are steering your life - not just drifting in and out of romances destined to fail.
Look, not everyone is lucky in love, and it may be that you have been particularly unlucky. However by being more selective you improve your chances of a happy outcome.
You might also like to ponder on what has caused your breakups. Any clues for future behaviour there?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2016): Kidding about the Vegas thing but what I mean is going travelling and recreational activities can make you feel better and get over stuff. None of us are pros as I need help in relationships myself. Nevertheless maybe you are down for a big-time relationship. Maybe you want so badly to settle down.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 December 2016):
 Try to boost your happiness in the other areas and then try speed dating. Don't date seriously until you can accept being single. You don't have to love being single, just not hate it.You will find a partner, but not if you focus on men and/or having a partner as the source of your happiness.
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