A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry but this is long , Me and this guy met on a dating site 3 month ago. We both deleted our profiles but are not exclusive. I told him i want a future with him and he knows how i feel about him. His words were lets just go with the flow. im thinking he wants me as a possible person to commit to but just for now wants to see whats about have some fun before committing, Aunts and uncles does this sound the same to you ? He had a serious operation 4 months ago and hasnt slept with anyone since this happened. He knows i have no issue with whats happened to him and that in a couple of years he will need another operation. Hes very embarrassed about how his body looks even tho i havent seen him with no top off ive seen other people with the same scars and issue he has and this really doesnt put me off and he knows this. Im thinking hes holding back from having sex and being so touchy feely because itll lead to sex and hes worried about everything. Even if i explained stuff to him again that his issue doesnt bother me i think it makes him back off. I know ive fallen for him big time but i dont think he feels as strong for me as i do for him. Im worried hes going to really back off from me and then tell me hes met someone else ( its what goes in my head ) He knows i over think things quite a bit and he has told me to not over think things but its hard when i feel so strongly about him. How can i show him without lecturing, messaging too much or irritating him that we are worth taking a chance be exclusive and see where things could go ? what could i say ? thanks anyone who replies Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2019): I am very surprised by many reply’s regarding asking him if he wants to commit. Reason being, that this pushes guys away. That is a known fact and has been talked about for years. You never, ever ask a guy at 3 months if he wants to commit
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): With your added information, I actually don’t think it’s a good sign... if we take what you’re saying (or what he’s saying) at face value, is he saying that somehow in his mind being in a committed relationship means that he can’t have fun with his best friend anymore? That’s a pretty unhealthy outlook. To compare: I had a friend who was engaged to be married to a man who, leading up to supposed wedding date, started traveling and going on vacation every single month for weeks without her, even missing her birthday, because he said once he’s married he’ll be “chained.” They cancelled the wedding, not related to his traveling necessarily (but kinda related) but really because at the end of the day, he couldn’t wrap his head around “commitment.” I think in his mind there would need to be compromise, bu before even discussing this with his partner, he must have already decided he wouldn’t compromise on anything. Just his whole outlook on marriage was so bleak, like he wouldn’t be able to do anything he wanted, and he wanted it his way. I see in your case, you say that your guy is not dating anyone else but doesn’t want to commit becaus he wants to have fun and spend time with his friends and doesn’t want to spend allll of his time with you. And this isn’t even a marriage commitment! I think it actually means he’s not ready to commit because he can’t wrap his head around what commitment actually is and what a real relationship with you actually is. Why would a person with a healthy view on relationships think that they couldn’t have their independence and “freedom?” (Unless he wants to date others, that’s more understandable, but you said that’s not the case). I actually agree three months isn’t much time, so I wouldn’t pressure him or rush him. But to me it already doesn’t look good based on his viewpoints. You can figure out what your timeline is and be strict with that for your own sake. Like a six month limit, if you don’t want to waste time, give the relationship six months total, and if he still can’t commit, drop him. He should at least know whether he wants to keep going by that time. Otherwise, you can’t change him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): op again. Yes anon male person we have met in person and he hasnt slept with anyone since his operation he has told me that and with how he is about his body i can understand why i have seen how embarrassed he gets just by his top riding up a tiny amount. He tries to see his friends and me either once a week or once a fortnight
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 January 2019):
 Honestly?
Him ALSO hanging out with his friends ISN'T a bad thing, AT ALL. Now if he RATHER hang out with the lads than you... then yes, that is not really great in a relationship, certainly NOT at your age. I can see a guy in his teens and 20's wanting to still hang out and have "fun" with the guys and I think that is good. As long as he is OK with his GF hanging out with HER friends too.
HAVING a social life OUTSIDE of a new relationship is good. Too often people in a new relationship sorta "forgets" their friends and that isn't good. Plus dating someone who HAS friends usually mean that OVER time your OWN social circle will increase. Which again CAN be a good thing.
Also what is the "ratio" of how of them he rather see his friend than you? once a week? On weekends? EVERY weekend? More?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): First- regardless of what others might say on here, some people - NON-EXCLUSIVE people - DO date someone for three months while wanting to have fun elsewhere. That's what you've been doing and you've been ok with it, so don't take that as a negative against him now you've changed your thinking. PS- it's fine to change your mind, but you can't hold your past acceptance of your relationship against him.But, I'm very confused by the whole story. You're meeting him in person, right? Is he meeting others in person? If so, how do you know he hasn't had sex? It seems that you haven't had sex with him yet, is that right? Or are we talking just since the operation?By what I can gather from your story, you two were in an open relationship, he had an operation, he can't/won't have sex, you want to help him out of it and into a closed, stable relationship. Well, that sounds like a lovely plan- but it will go wrong! You can't plan stuff like that, but you can hope.You don't need to message him or irritate him about it: just tell him. You want to be there for him because you feel strongly about him. But you want an exclusive relationship and ask him if he can commit to that. If he can't, won't or doesn't want to- fair enough, you all had your fun. Wish him all the best and fire up your dating profile.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): op here. He told me he isnt seeing anyone else. I think the fun hes after is just on nights out with his best friend ( whos engaged so isnt out pulling women ) and not to be so restricted having to see me all the time basically do things couples do. I wouldnt even bother complaining if he didnt want to see me one night so he can see his friend ( who also tells him to spend time with me )
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 January 2019):
If he is seeing other people still then I'm sorry to say I don't think there is much of a future here for you.
You don't date someone for 3 months while STILL wanting to "have fun" elsewhere too. Seriously. I'm guessing YOU are not seeing anyone else, right?
And it's only been 3 months so I think you need to "rein in" those ... "I have fallen for him big time" feelings, JUST a little.
I get that YOU can see him as a long term partner after 3 months of dating. He obviously isn't sleeping with anyone (as far as you know) but my thing is, IF he is seeing other people too, he is more busy seeing ALL the options out there than really looking for a long term partner.
I would tell him NEXT TIME you see him in person, that you have considered asking him if he can see you as an exclusive partner or not. If he isn't sure, or doesn't know, then I would WISH him luck and move on. If he says yes, then you go from there.
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