A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,First to let you know a little about the situation, I've been in a relationship with my fiance for 2 years going on 3 years, engaged not too long ago, we're getting married in October. The thing is he's been 5 hours away by car for the last month, I haven't seen him since July 4th and he doesn't plan to see me till October, 2 days before our wedding.Details now, he's went to help his mother with a nasty divorce, his step father has been abusive to her and she's finally getting out of that situation, and I love him for being there for her. At the same time I feel alone and kicked to the side.I have talked to him about this and everything turns into a fight. I feel as he doesn't understand how I feel and I don't want to marry him feeling this way,I put us on a break and he's blamming himself for our problems and I feel bad and hurt as I don't want to be selfish but I put us on a break because Ii needed time to think everything over(I've became very clingy) I feel as I am pushing us away !!!We have had sex so us trying phone sex isn't the same thing but I like it as our emotions go into it and that's all we can do but he doesn't know when to come on to me and I'm not sure either and it just leaves me upset as I think he doesn't want me or find me attractiveI am pregnant with his child, my emotions are off the wall really out of control and I'm going to a doctor for it but I'm not sure what to do at this point.I want him but push him away or say hurtful things to him that make him cry at times as I'm real angry for no reason and I don't want to make him pick me or his mom but when we talk I am loving at first and then mean even when he's trying to be sweet to me. We even sleep on the phone together, his idea because it's hard from sharing a bed to not having him holding me so we sleep on the phone not the same but helps me a lot.I'm not really that good to him and I can't afford to come see him right now and he can't leave yet or afford to anyways with our bills, me not working and the baby coming, his mother paid for him to come there!!!!!So here's my questions -How can I show him I care through the phone? How can I tell him how I feel without a fight and help him understand??????I REALLY LOVE HIM WITH ALL OF MY HEART !!!!!!!Is he giving me guilt trips when I asked for a break by blaming himself ?How can I help myself deal with the long distance problem? Please any advise will help
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female
reader, stina +, writes (29 August 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
I'll just go through each of your questions as you've listed them:
1. "How can I show him I care through the phone?" If I were you, I would not do this over the phone. I suggest you write him a letter describing how you feel about him, how he makes you feel, what you envision youselves doing in the future, etc. Essentially write him a long, detailed love letter. No interruptions, and you can write exactly how you feel and make it sound perfect. There are tons of resources available online and at the bookstore to help you with writing the letter if you aren't quite sure how to go about it.
2. "How can I tell him how I feel without a fight and help him understand?" I think that once he reads the letter it will sort of 'push' him into realizing that he may need to do a bit more in terms of spending more time with you. Or he could at least mention *how* he wants to spend more time with you since he doesn't really have the money to meet up with you. (Plus, on the bright side, October is coming up very, very soon!)
3. "Is he giving me guilt trips when I asked for a break by blaming himself ?" It's hard for me to say because I don't really know how he said that he's blaming himself (it's easier to tell by tone, what exactly he stated, etc.) But if he *is* trying to guilt trip you, then I wouldn't really dismiss it as him trying to be a jerk. Honestly, it takes two to make a relationship work, and getting yelled at when trying to be sweet would make anyone feel like crap. If I were you, I would call him and let him know that you're sorry for lashing out. I would let him know that, even though it's not an excuse, being in a long distance relationship is really taking a toll on your emotions - especially because you're pregnant. But, I would also tell him that you're not going to give up on anything because all relationships take work - and you'd never *not* work to be with someone that you love so much.
Remember, he is in the long distance relationship, too. But the other side of this is that he's having to help his mother out - and she was abused. You are both dealing with very emotional things right now outside of the relationship. To me, the fact that you've managed to stay together so long in a long distance relationship when you both already have stressful living conditions is a very positive sign.
Look, this guy loves you - he wants to marry you! And you love him. October is not that far away and you have been through so much together - family issues, a long distance relationship, pregnancy, and probably other things that you didn't mention here, as well. Even though you're feeling pushed to the side, in my opinion you are really valued by your partner. It seems like he genuinely is in love with you. Sleeping on the phone together - that is so cute and sweet! I'm sure he's had other ideas, too, right? Hang onto him - he seems like a good guy.
4. "How can I help myself deal with the long distance problem?" I think that maybe if you sent each other little things in the mail - that you could actually see and touch - it might make you feel a bit better. Like part of the other is around, or at least could remind each of you about one another. Whether it be letters, flowers you picked and pressed for each other, photographs of you both together (or even by yourself), things that you've drawn, a little stuffed animal, send each other your pillows or a shirt (you can smell each other and feel closer when you go to sleep), etc. It will probably be more comforting than just hearing each other's voices on the phone alone. You could also message each other online and use a webcam if you have access to one. ^_^
All relationships take work. Long distance relationships take even more work. But it looks like you guys are doing very, very well! I know that it totally sucks to be away from your partner, but the distance away from each other will be over soon and there are ways to make the seperation a bit better. Keep working at it - you're going through the normal long distance problems, but you're doing better than most people I know who've been in them.
Hope I've helped. Take care.
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