A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When I was very young my mother left my brother and I with my grandmother to take care of us because she wasn't happy with her life so she immigrated to this country. When I was 13 she brought all 3 of us over(also made my grandma sell her house back home to pay off her debts). When I left I was a straight A student( I had a 98.7% grade average) but having to finish school in a country that spoke a different language and with a different culture affected my grades and self esteem and although I managed to finish high school( on the honor roll) I only completed a couple of years of college before my ex bf said we need to travel before we got married and had kids( marriage and having a family was my only dream at the time bc that's what's what I felt I had missing growing up) so we traveled all over Europe and the Americas( north, central and a bit of south)and when we returned I wanted to go back to school but he said he wouldn't marry me if I kept going into debt so I declared bankruptcy and found a really good job in finance to show him that we could afford to get married and start a family. When I was at the top of my career, an artery in my brain exploded from high blood pressure and left me completely paralyzed on one side.......he obviously left me( sad but a blessing in hindsight) I then concentrated on my recovery and spent every penny of my disposable income on recovery( I was in physio therapy for 6 years) and my credit is now more than recovered( its actually above average rating wise) but I have no job and live on disability therefore I have no chance of buying my own place. I am ashamed of what I've done with my life( I haven't achieved academic success like was expected of me and I don't have my own happy family either like I dreamed for myself) The girls I grew up with back in Europe both have their PhD's from Ivy league universities and all the girls I grew up with here are happily married with children and own their own houses!)
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bankrupt, debt, depressed, grandmother, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your comments:)
The first female responder, I think you hit the nail on the head....my biggest problem is that I compare myself to others( collateral damage of how I was raised.......in Europe we were not concerned with how much money people had so the only way to stand above the crowd was through personal achievements like education or a good career) The lack of job I don't really care that much about because I have already achieved career satisfaction and success and I'm not living on government disability but on extended benefits disability that I am still receiving from the job I had when my head popped,lol Plus I have all the freedom in the world now....no job...no kids....no mortgage!!
Code Warrior thank you for sharing and for your advice but those are things I already do I have been working out at least 3-4/week since the late 90's( part of the reason my brain surgeon had the courage to do the surgery on me and save my life was because I was so young(26) in such good shape and had sufficient alternate connections in the brain to guarantee my survival and recovery. He now calls me his miracle girl and said I made his career:)) Now that I'm not in physio anymore I do put a 1/3 of my paycheck away every month
It goes without say that I always make my bed every morning, look presentable and keep a clean house and cook 5 star meals for myself( I'm still European at heart) some people have even called me too disciplined btw!!
I am not an ordinary person.....I am an extraordinary person:
Most children who are forced to immigrate to a foreign country get held back in school.....I not only graduated with my class but I was on the honor roll!
Most people that have a giant (fusiform) ruptured aneurysm either end up in a coffin or in a wheelchair......I don't even walk with a cane!! sure I walk a little slower and my left hand is good for nothing but come on!!
Most women who's husband leaves them after 13 years together fall into a depression and gain 100 lbs....I am the same weight I was in high school!!
Most people that are forced to declare bankruptcy because they are with a loser who said he wont marry them if they are in debt, never recover their credit and often go back into debt.....I have zero debt and my credit score is something like 878/900
I have had a school friend tell me that if what happened to me , happened to her she would never leave the house........I have been to Maui, Cuba, Alaska , Mexico, Niagara Falls, The Canadian Rockies, volunteered for almost 10 years for a non-profit, had 2 relationships to help me move on and grow....
I am an extraordinary person who is an overachiever and feels sad because at 42, I feel left behind and don't see myself standing above the crowd just yet
Perhaps I should write a book and buy myself a condo by the beach where I can sit on my balcony drinking good wine and listening to Berlioz or Thelonious Monk:))
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): Write a book. Or, a blog and then a book. Seriously. What you went through and stayed strong IS inspiring. And unfortunately for you can be a lesson for other young women NOT TO put their education and interests behind their bfs wishes.I belong to an older generation when a degree, especially a PhD meant something. Now it is merchandise like anything else. I have tutored kids and have witnessed what money CAN buy even in democratic Western countries.Having a PhD means little if you don't DO anything with it. I have two, but since I moved to a foreign country when I was 32, I had to find jobs that have nothing to do with my level of education. Having a PhD doesn't necessarily mean that you have a profession (in French: métier). Sometimes we need to look back in order to move on. We just shouldn't linger too much on the past and regrets. Now I am 42. I too have my "could haves" and "should haves". I'm blessed with fairly good health (I only have to progressive but manageable, chronic autoimmune diseases) and try not to look around measure myself up to others, because everybody tries to look perfect. We don't know what lies behind the closed doors.In my book, as a smart, independent and a brave woman, who survived a brain aneurysm (my mother hadn't), you are a hero. I'd love to know more about you. I'd love to hear what your life was like before and after you left your country, what it was like growing up with your grandma, if it was hard growing up for a while without a mother... Stay strong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2019): I think it sounds like you've achieved quite a lot. You're well travelled, intelligent, had a good career, overcome a lot of adversity. So it sounds like the main thing bothering you is
a) comparing yourself to others and
b) not having a job.
Well a job is not the measure of your worth. You've had a lot to deal with and you should focus on what would make you feel happy in life rather than what would look good to someone else. So your friends have phds. Big whoop. All that means is they had the opportunity and means to do something like that. It doesn't make them better people or happier people or more worthwhile. Ditto your married friends. Try and figure out what would make you happy if no one was looking and see if there's a path to that thing.
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