A
female
age
36-40,
*rganique
writes:I am beginning to sense that I have no control over the relationship whatsoever. That is not to say that one should have complete control over the other, no. I feel it should be equal, each side contributing to the relationship.I'm currently in a 4 year relationship. I am 24, my boyfriend is 29. We each live with our parents but are planning to move in once I finish university in the spring. Recently I've been feeling a little bit lonely. We don't see each other throughout the week because we both have jobs, and I also go to university full time. It seems as if it is me calling him all the time throughout the week. I would write him the first message to say good morning, I would be the first to call to ask how things are going. Mind you, I don't overdo this. I never bombard him with messages or phone calls. I call him not out of habit, but just because I sincerely miss him. We have been together for 4 years and I genuinely hope that we have a bright future together. This is the reason why I want to keep the connection alive, even if we don't see each other that often right now.I don't know if it's strange to feel this way, but the thing is sometimes I feel a growing distance when we don't see each other for days at a time, or talk to each other on the phone at least once every couple of days. For me, a healthy relationship means a strong bond, and a strong connection. If we cannot connect on a physical level at the moment by being together, then at least a reminder now and then - Hey, I'm thinking about you. I miss you. I love you. I know what you probably will suggest - go out with your friends, get a hobby, do something interesting, basically get a life! But I already have all of these things. I am never bored, and am always occupied with something, whether I want it or not :). But because my relationship is so important to me and because my boyfriend is such a big part of my life, I can't help but negate on the fact that he just doesn't put in as much effort as I would like him to.I guess I'm just upset that I lost some of the control of the relationship. 2 years ago, he would come see me almost every day, even though he was busy with work. He would call me randomly when I least expect it (it is the best surprise of all) just to tell me he loves me. I guess he just gradually made me be used to it, and now that he doesn't do these things anymore I am beginning to think that maybe something is wrong?It is my first serious relationship and I really don't want to do anything to jeopardize it by playing any mind games with him. But if you can suggest anything other than that, like what can I do, and how can I act, that would motivate him to do these little things again?Thank you so much.
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (22 November 2012):
 It sounds like you need something special to bring your relationship closer. Being that you've been together as long as you have, I am sure there is a sense of being "taken for granted" by both parties. I wouldn't be surprised if your boyfriend feels the same way as you.
Why not plan a special weekend away? Begin to make plans to take a mini-trip somewhere. There's bound to be some place that both of you haven't been to before... so why not make an effort and set something up. It doesn't have to be expensive and there should be things you can do together while you are there.
Also, I suggest telling your boyfriend how much you miss him and encourage him to send you messages and so forth. Tell him how much you like hearing his voice or that you miss his text messages. Hopefully he'll get the clue and work on reigniting your relationship with each other.
Even relationships in maintenance mode need some tender love and care to keep it going. They are work and rarely do things work automatically without effort.
Again communicate with your boyfriend about how you feel and see what happens next. If he cares about you as much as you care about him, he'll make things happen as well.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): Why did he stop doing those things? Is he bored with the relationship? Is he seeing someone else? What have you noticed when you are together these days? Does he pay attention and care, or does he have that "i dont really care" attitude?
you could go silent for a while and let him call first. Try it for a week and see how many times he calls in that week.
if its a poor result you can ask him why he has changed. Its either he has slipped into his comfort zone or he has lost interest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): The term 'serious relationship' which you used is very vague. Marriage is THE MOST serious of all man-woman relationships. It can't get anymore serious than that. If you cannot clearly define this relationship you will have no idea what to expect of him & neither will he of you. So, to help you clear up your confusion, I will ask you a straight forward question. Do you want to be his wife? If you can answer this question both honestly & truthfully in your heart, you will have a much clearer idea of where you stand in relation to him & therefore will know what appropriate steps to take from then on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): There is nothing wrong with feeling like your relationship isn't going the way you'd planned. it's very difficult when you don't get to see your significant other as often as you'd like! Believe me - I've been in the same situation!
You need to tell him straight up how you're feeling. Practice your speech first and get it perfect before confronting him. Tell him that you feel like you're pulling a lot of the weight in terms of reaching out to each other and you want it to be more balanced. He should accept this and try to make it better. :)
Be patient; this isn't going to happen overnight.
Perhaps make some ground rules on what you both expect from the other. I don' know, hun. It just sounds like you haven't been communicating enough.
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